New Survey Shows Range of Post-Apocalyptic Fears

The post apocalypse - where’s the WiFi man?The Center for Post-Apocalyptic Studies has released a new study showing the range of fears most Americans feel about the coming collapse of civilization.  According to a spokesman for the Center:

As can be expected, the majority of people surveyed were worried about survival, where they could find food and shelter.  But we also found a large range of other concerns.  Even the timing of our survey affected the findings.  For instance when we called people on Saturday night we found the majority  didn’t care about food and shelter but instead asked us what we were wearing and if we wanted to engage in role-play.

Based on their findings, the Center is predicting a more diverse apocalypse than seen in Hollywood movies.   While most were concerned with bread and butter issues, a surprising number of other fears were related to researchers.

  • 15% of responders were concerned with WiFi access in the post-apocalypse world.  “We found people in this category, while concerned with being eaten by zombies or killed by machines wanted to keep up to date with their fantasy football picks.  Some wanted to know if their favorite pay-per-view porn sites would still be available.  Others just didn’t want to give up their MacBooks.”
  • 10% wanted to know if zombies would be living in their neighborhoods.  “I got nothing against zombies” said one.  “I  just don’t want them living next to me.  Crime you know.” 
  • 8% were concerned that zombies would not be able to culturally assimilate into society and would be a drain on scarce post-apocalypse resources.  “Are my taxes going to go up because we have to give zombies free medical care?” was a common question.
  • 6% asked if attacks by terminators would be covered under medical insurance.  “Let’s say I’m minding my own business and a terminator shoots my leg off.  Am I covered under long-term disability?”
  • 4% were concerned that in the event of an apocalypse that ends civilization CSI:Miami would be canceled.  “We didn’t understand that concern, frankly.  If anything wouldn’t you want David Caruso to be the first one killed by a terminator?”
  • 2% wanted to know if there would still be happy hours after the apocalypse.  “These people were pathetic, bottom-feeding drunks who had  no friends, no lovers and nothing better to do than destroy their livers while they checked the traffic on their blogs.”

The Center for Post-Apocalyptic Studies is open Monday thru Friday 9 to 5.  It is closed on weekends, Federal holidays and permanently after the apocalypse.  The Center is a not-for-profit organization and is happy to accept donations.


7 Responses

  1. You forgot the 100% of Democrats that wanted to be The Humungus.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    CRS: At least the Humungus offered something valuable besides debt.

  3. Karen Howes says:

    Zombies have rights too, you know, dammit! Not all of them eat people– most are perfectly peaceful when they’re not tearing your head off.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: Zombie lover!

  5. MK says:

    “I got nothing against zombies” said one. “I just don’t want them living next to me. Crime you know.”

    That’s too good.

    “If anything wouldn’t you want David Caruso to be the first one killed by a terminator?”

    I have to say, that fellow would probably be posing for that kill shot too.

  6. Matt says:

    I find this post to be extremely zombiephobic. They’re just like us. They came to this country to seek opportunity, and to eat brains…or something like that.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: What is with all you bleeding-heart zombie lovers?

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