As happens every four years, the President of the United States gives his inaugural address from the Capitol building.  Recently reelected,  President Obama prepared to take the oath of office for his triumphant second term.

Because the Capitol Building has recently been sold the inaugural was held in the basement of a local coffee shop.  Also, to raise money President Obama wore a cap that promoted website provider Godaddy.com.

As the coffee shop was having its open mike, President Obama waited patiently as a transsexual albino Buddhist folk singer finished his version of “If I had a hammer.”

Once he finished, President Obama strode to the stage.

“My fellow Americans” he began.  “I speak today aware of the challenges our Nation faces.  Because we have filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection – “

“We can’t hear you” and “Louder” were two cries that came from the audience.

President Obama tapped the microphone.

“Hello.  Is this thing on? Hello?”

A coffee shop employee helped President Obama with the technical glitch and the Inaugural address proceeded.

“My fellow Americans.  Bankruptcy, while painful, is not the end of the world.  Yes it was embarrassing having to sell every Federal building in the United States but the income derived from that will help us build a high speed rail link – ”

“Boring!’ shouted one audience member.

“Bring back the trannie” shouted another.

A third member threw his coffee at President Obama and said “Show us your tits honey.”

Ducking the thrown drink President Obama continued.

“Please people.  I only have five minutes before the next act.  And don’t throw any more drinks.  Normally I’d have the Secret Service arrest you but the ones that haven’t been laid off have all been reassigned guarding construction on a high speed rail link.”

President Obama stopped as his eyes focused on a flashing yellow light.

“The light is flashing.  Is…..is my time up already?  But I want to talk more about high speed rail.”

The manager of the coffee shop grabbed the microphone from President Obama.

“Times up pal.  Now get off the stage.  We got other acts and I have to keep things moving.”

A  dejected President Obama walked off stage muttering “Maybe Denny’s will let me talk about high speed rail.”

The open mike continued as the manager introduced the next act.

“Let’s put our hands together for Debbie.  Debbie is 16 and would like to read from her diary.”

Debbie put on her glasses and started reading.

“Dear diary.  Today I cried.”

On the street outside President Obama rifled through his pockets looking for change.

“I hope I have enough for a cab” he said.

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In a far-reaching act of tolerance, the Muslim Brotherhood announced today that, if they are successful in establishing Sharia Law in Egypt they will limit their bloodshed to known Zionists and the allies of the Zionist state of Israel.  Non-Zionist Jews will be allowed to live, though they will have to wear the Star of David and live in secluded ghettos.

This brave call for tolerance was welcomed by the Obama Administration as a sign of the growing secularization of the organization.  Said the Director of National Intelligence James Clapper:

As I’ve been saying for a long time the Muslim Brotherhood is a secular organization, not a religious one.  They are a charitable organization that wants the same thing this administration does:  peace in the Middle East and the destruction of Israel.  You know no one believed me when I said the Brotherhood was a secular organization but today’s announcement proves it is.  Who has egg on their face now?  And they’ve largely eschewed violence as well, though I do believe they shot J.R. Ewing.  And I think they were responsible for the plane crash on Lost.

The General Leader of the Muslim Brotherhood, Mohammad Badie, upon making the announcement said that he only wants to use his scimitar to “behead Zionist pigs.”  He went on to state that there are some Jews he can live with.

Sammy Davis Jr. is a Jew I like.  My doctor is a Jew I like.  My lawyer is a Jew I like.  They will be spared, though they will be forbidden to sit on juries, own property, run for elective office or own a camel with more than one hump, Allah be merciful.

The Muslim Brotherhood’s announcement was greeted with enthusiasm in Hollywood where many are hoping that it would take this opportunity to rid the world of the terror that is Zionism.

Danny Glover said, “The destruction of Israel would be a good thing.  Don’t ask me why.  I’m clearly insane.”

Ed Asner told reporters that “I am a Jew and I favor a Palestinian state in that occupied territory.  Dammit why can’t I move my bowels?”

Appearing on Lawrence O’Donnell’s show on MSNBC Jenny McCarthy said, “I hate Zionism.  These are my breasts.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu warned the Muslim Brotherhood that it would be a mistake to attack Israel.

“We have powerful friends.  Or as least we will again when President Obama is defeated.”

President Obama thanked the Muslim Brotherhood for its announcement and praised their decision to “redistribute the Jews.”

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The entire political establishment was rocked today by the news that First Lady Michelle Obama has agreed to enter rehab for her addiction to vending machine food.  A statement released by the White House said in part:

The First Lady has agreed to voluntarily enter a rehab clinic to treat her addiction to foods found in vending machines.  Mrs. Obama apologizes to all her supporters for the pain she has caused.  The President and Mrs. Obama ask that their privacy be respected at this painful moment.  Mrs. Obama also states that despite her personal issues, all Americans should unite behind a healthy diet.

Reporters who were able to piece together the entire story believe that Mrs. Obama’s problems began when she started to tour the country urging schoolchildren to forgo snacks from vending machines and to eat healthy, “green” food.  Said an eyewitness:

At one stop after talking to the kids she strolled over to a vending machine and had an official remove all the food from it. But when he started taking out the Devil Dogs, Mrs. Obama said, ‘That looks good.  One wouldn’t hurt me’ and ate it.  Well,  she had 20 that day.

After that Mrs. Obama would sneak out of the White House at night in search of vending machines.  She would often stalk delivery trucks in search of a fix. One delivery man tell reporters that:

I was making my usual rounds delivering snack food when the First Lady jumped me.  She had a glazed, wild look in her eyes and she said ‘Give me the f#$*^&g Devil Dogs man!”   I told her I couldn’t and that I would lose my job if I didn’t make my deliveries.  She said ‘I don’t give a damn about your problems.’  Then she used a power drill to cut through my fingernails.  ‘You’re in for a world of hurt if you don’t give me the Devil Dogs!’  I was bleeding and in shock so I gave them to her.  She then beat me unconscious with a pack of Twizzlers.

The final straw apparently came when the Secret Service found her wandering the halls of the White House late at night, talking to portraits of the Presidents and mumbling:

I watched a Devil Dog crawl along the edge of a straight razor.  That’s my dream.  That’s  my nightmare. We must kill them. Pig after pig.  Cow after cow.  Village after village.  Army after army.  What are they going to say about  me?  What are they gonna say?  That I had snack food?  Bullshit man!

The First Lady plans to be in rehab for 30 days before beginning extensive outpatient therapy.

An obviously worried President Obama, while having a cheeseburger with aides said, “I love my wife and wish her the best.  Pass the ketchup.”

(504)

From the Headquarters of the Democratic Party

Washington D.C.

To all Americans:

It has recently come to our attention that our opponents in the Republican Party are touting the so-called “Declaration of Independence”, a bourgeois document written by white slaveholders who denied a woman’s right to vote and to choose.  Let’s take a closer look at this document that Republicans say represents their core values. This document starts off with noninclusive language:

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands that have connected them with another and to assume among the  powers of the Earth , the separate and equal station……

You see!  You see!  “Separate and equal.”  It’s right there in the first sentence!  Republicans believe in segregation and keeping black people down.  It is only through benevolent Democratic policies that our black citizens will increase their standard of living.

The sentence continues:

…..the laws of nature and nature’s god entitle them, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind.….

There are so many things wrong with that phrase.  Where to begin?  Nature’s god?  That sounds suspiciously Unitarian (a European religion by the way.)  Does nature’s god include Muslims?  Animists?  Wiccans?  I don’t think so.   We continue with “a decent respect for the opinions of mankind.”  Mankind?  That is like using B.C. and A.D. Truly progressive Democrats prefer to use the phrase, “People needing  people and loving people because we are filled with love-kind.”

Tsk tsk Republicans.  Such noninclusive language. And it gets worse.  The second paragraph contains the abominable phrase, “all men are created equal.” All men? What about women?  What about the transgendered? Or did Thomas Jefferson not care about transsexuals?  I call upon Republicans to search Jefferson’s writings for one mention of transsexual gender equality.  There is none! It’s a black mark on his record.

We continue with this pathetic abomination of a document:

…that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I ask you fellow Democrats, does “Creator” have to be in capital letters? That implies a specific subject.  All intelligent people know that the universe was created by cosmic forces without the intervention of a so-called “Creator.”  The phrase will also be offensive to our atheist friends.  And nowhere does that sentence mention real  rights, such as equality and forced redistribution of income.

Further on the document states:

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

Manly firmness?  You see, Republicans are not only racist.  They are sexist!

Still further we read:

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of new officers to harass our people and eat out their sustenance.

This phrase is perhaps the most offensive in this document.  Fellow Americans our planet is wounded.  We need to stop global warming.  So when officers from the EPA arrive at your house to check what temperature you have your thermostat set to, remember it’s for your own good.

Fellow Americans, we could go on with more examples from this document but I think these will suffice for now.

Vote Democrat in 2012!

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Representative Christopher Lee of upstate New York abruptly resigned his seat in the House yesterday after shirtless pictures of him that he posted answering a Craigslist personal ad became available online.  Ironically, Lee’s district abuts the district of similarly disgraced representative Eric Massa.  Said a resident of upstate New York, “Well, it’s not like we have a lot to do up here.  It snows ten months a year.”

The trouble started when a woman placed a personal ad on Craigslist looking for a “man that does not look like a toad.”   Representative Lee, apparently to prove that he is not toadlike but fully human, sent a topless photo of himself to the woman, stating that he is a single, 39-year old lobbyist

Lee’s fall from grace is only the latest in a long line of scandals resulting from Washington’s long entrenched anti-toad culture.

Jimmy Carter’s presidency almost imploded after he sent a topless photo of himself to CBS sports reporter Phyllis George with a personal note attached that said, “President of southern comfort seeks sexy sports girl.  As you can see, I am not toadlike.”

William Howard Taft lost the 1912 election in large part to the scandal surrounding the full frontal nude painting of himself he sent to Teddy Roosevelt’s daughter.  The painting was accompanied by a telegraph that said:

As you can see I am 300 pounds of manhood in my prime.  Nothing even remotely toadlike about me.  Let’s hook up.  Teddy need not know.

Senator Joe McCarthy, best known as an anticommunist crusader also had his career derailed when animal rights activists complained after the Senator used a hammer to personally kill all the toads he found in his yard.

“I hate toads” said the Senator. “My wife thinks I look like one.  I am not a toad! I am a human being!”

Thomas Jefferson almost challenged Alexander Hamilton to a duel after Hamilton implied that their were irregularities in Jefferson’s private life:

Hamilton:  You can tell us.  Everyone knows you like to sleep with –

Jefferson:  I do not sleep with toads!

Hamilton:  I was going to say you sleep with your slaves.

Jefferson:  Oh.  Okay.  But I definitely DO NOT sleep with toads.  Seriously.  No toads.  Just ask my slaves.

Representative James Francis of Oregon (pictured here) who does resemble a toad angrily said that he didn’t see what the big deal was.

“Some women like toadlike men.  Once you’ve had toad you never go back.”

As for former Representative Christopher Lee he plans to “get the crap beat out of me by my wife.  I mean, set things straight with my wife.”

(1882)