The entire political establishment was rocked today by the news that First Lady Michelle Obama has agreed to enter rehab for her addiction to vending machine food.  A statement released by the White House said in part:

The First Lady has agreed to voluntarily enter a rehab clinic to treat her addiction to foods found in vending machines.  Mrs. Obama apologizes to all her supporters for the pain she has caused.  The President and Mrs. Obama ask that their privacy be respected at this painful moment.  Mrs. Obama also states that despite her personal issues, all Americans should unite behind a healthy diet.

Reporters who were able to piece together the entire story believe that Mrs. Obama’s problems began when she started to tour the country urging schoolchildren to forgo snacks from vending machines and to eat healthy, “green” food.  Said an eyewitness:

At one stop after talking to the kids she strolled over to a vending machine and had an official remove all the food from it. But when he started taking out the Devil Dogs, Mrs. Obama said, ‘That looks good.  One wouldn’t hurt me’ and ate it.  Well,  she had 20 that day.

After that Mrs. Obama would sneak out of the White House at night in search of vending machines.  She would often stalk delivery trucks in search of a fix. One delivery man tell reporters that:

I was making my usual rounds delivering snack food when the First Lady jumped me.  She had a glazed, wild look in her eyes and she said ‘Give me the f#$*^&g Devil Dogs man!”   I told her I couldn’t and that I would lose my job if I didn’t make my deliveries.  She said ‘I don’t give a damn about your problems.’  Then she used a power drill to cut through my fingernails.  ‘You’re in for a world of hurt if you don’t give me the Devil Dogs!’  I was bleeding and in shock so I gave them to her.  She then beat me unconscious with a pack of Twizzlers.

The final straw apparently came when the Secret Service found her wandering the halls of the White House late at night, talking to portraits of the Presidents and mumbling:

I watched a Devil Dog crawl along the edge of a straight razor.  That’s my dream.  That’s  my nightmare. We must kill them. Pig after pig.  Cow after cow.  Village after village.  Army after army.  What are they going to say about  me?  What are they gonna say?  That I had snack food?  Bullshit man!

The First Lady plans to be in rehab for 30 days before beginning extensive outpatient therapy.

An obviously worried President Obama, while having a cheeseburger with aides said, “I love my wife and wish her the best.  Pass the ketchup.”

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