August 24, 1814: British Occupy, Burn Washington D.C.; Climate of Hate Blamed

The Nation’s Capitol is burned, a victim of charged rhetoricIn a spectacular and daring move, British troops marched on Washington D.C. today and proceeded to burn the Executive Mansion, the Capitol and other buildings.

While a state of war does currently exist between the United States and Great Britain no motive was given for the burning.  Many are blaming the charged political rhetoric in the nation’s Capitol.

President Madison who is currently in hiding has taken much heat for the unpopular war from many in his own party.  Said Madison’s press secretary:

I blame ye olde talk print newspapers.  They are irresponsible and the things they say about the President probably caused some unbalanced people in the British army to want to burn the Executive Mansion down.

Still others in the administration had another explanation.  Said Madison’s Secretary of War James Monroe:

I think the fault lies with Sarah Palin.  I know that explanation sounds pretty far fetched, seeing as she hasn’t been born yet but I think I know what I’m talking aboutI’m not stupid.  Not like people say!

The President’s wife, Dolly Madison, who barely avoided capture by the British said:

I think we need a new era of civility in Washington.  I ask the Federalists to tone down their rhetoric.  My husband is not a midget!  He’s almost five feet three inches tall.  I hate Washington.  I just want to retire to our plantation in Virginia and make cupcakes.

Congressional leaders have vowed that if they ever return to Washington, their first priority will be to introduce a bill that would make it a crime to call the President a “midget, small person, differentially-sized or Thomas Jefferson’s bitch.”

General Robert Ross, officer in charge of the British troops that attacked Washington told reporters that

I thought I was doing the Americans a favor by burning the Capitol and the Executive Mansion.  Who builds their capitol in the middle of a swamp anyway?  Well, I’m off to attack Baltimore.  Classy city.  Classy ladies of the evening.

Federalist leaders could not be reached for comment but many deny responsibility for the attack.


4 Responses

  1. The Jungers says:

    “Thomas Jefferson’s Bitch” pry the best one I’ve heard against Madison yet. You know how to say owned in Russian? OWNED!

  2. Good luck in Baltimore, General Bobby.

    Outisde of the Inner Harbor, it’s a nightmare.

    Maybe you should just catch an Orioles game instead?

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    TJ: Yep. He’s a bitch

    Shamus: I’ve heard Baltimore is a shithole outside the harbor. I plan to catch a yankee-oriole game so I can watch the Orioles lose.

  4. Matt says:

    I bet the Brits were still mad about that Tea Party. Talk about inflammatory! And raaaaacist too, I bet.

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