“Time was I used to proudly wear this trench coat” said George M.  “I was voted top flasher of the year three years in a row.  No one worried about being caught.  Not any more.”

The reason for the decline in flashing culture:  Cell phones.  The majority of cell phones now come with cameras enabling “victims” to take photos of flashers In Flagrante Delicto and email those photos to police and/or newspapers as evidence of the “crime.” Continues George M.:

I used to be proud of my flashing skills.  I wore an expensive, tailored trench coat.  I looked respectable.  No one would suspect me.  And who were the cops going to believe?  Me or the super smoking hot chick?  I mean, they probably wanted to flash her as well.  But now they just take out their cell phone and snap away.  Next thing you know my Johnson is on the front page of the Daily News.  I feel so violated.  My only consolation is maybe there is some super hot chick reading the paper and looking at my Johnson.

Because of this advance in technology flashers have had to sublimate their tendencies.  Instead of “live” flashing, those committed to their lifestyle now take part in “virtual” flashing. Virtual flashing involves a web cam and videos of stars.  The technology has proven so popular that virtual flashing fairs have been held in New Jersey and Connecticut.  The most popular stars to flash are Lindsey Lohan, Marvin the Martian and Justin Bieber.

“It’s not the same” said one flasher. “But I guess it has advantages. It’s the closest I’ll ever get to showing Marvin the Martian my Johnson.”

The next virtual flashing festival will be held the weekend of April 15th at the Days Inn of Manhattan.

“We expect flashers from all 50 states, Denmark and a large contingent from Bahrain” said the organizer.

Other long-time flashers are opting to start blogs.  Said one:

It’s a way of expressing myself online. It’s a way of expressing my anger about our current administration. It’s a way of making my voice heard. And, I get to email registered users a picture of my Johnson.

The first annual Flashing Blog Convention will be held this summer in Philadelphia Pennsylvania.

“Come for the happy hour. Stay to make your voice heard.  Leave before the cops show up” is the official slogan.

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It seemed like a good idea at the time.  President Obama, using his moral authority, would hold an anti-bullying summit at the White House.  Those who were victims of bullying would tearfully give their testimony.  At the conclusion the President would give one of his soaring, eloquent speeches denouncing bullying.

Unfortunately things did not work out as planned.

After all the speakers had tearfully recounted their stories of being bullied at school, President Obama approached the podium.  However, before he could reach it a child put his foot out, tripping the President who landed on his face as the audience laughed.

An embarrassed President Obama, clearly shaken, got up and approached the podium.  Unfortunately he failed to notice the “Kick me” sign that had been taped to his back.  Several Secret Service agents, seeing the sign dutifully kicked President Obama.  The audience at the White House roared in laughter as the confused President repeatedly asked the Secret Service to “Stop it guys! Come on.  Stop being mean to me!”

It was then that Vice President Biden told Obama about the sign on his back.

“Happens to me all the time” said Mr. Biden.

In an awkward series of moves, President Obama tried to get the sign off his back.

“He looked like Elaine dancing on Seinfeld” said a witness.

After removing the sign the President finally approached the podium and began his speech.  Shortly after beginning however, someone shouted “I saw President Obama kissing a girl!”

Having had enough of being bullied, a tearful President Obama rushed out of the room.  The First Lady followed him.  As the President cried, she held him in her arms.

“What’s wrong dear?”

Between sobs Obama said, “Why are they always bullying me?  Everyone’s so mean to me!”

The First Lady then started singing to him, “Hush little baby don’t say a word, mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird don’t sing Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.”

This calmed the President down, who fell asleep in the First Lady’s arms.  Mrs. Obama put the President to bed and sighed.

“He looks so cute when he’s sleeping.  I want to protect him from bullies but he’s going to have to learn to fight back.”

She then picked up her $1000 handbag.

“Well, I’m off to shop.  Give him a candy bar when he wakes up” she instructed the Secret Service.

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Japan was rocked last week by its most violent Earthquake since the 1920s.  Measuring 8.9 on the Richter scale it devastated the north and brought a tsunami in its wake, washing entire cities out to sea and killing thousands.

The culprit:  Zionist Israel, George “Hitler” Bush and the scientific fact of global warming.

The United Nations held an emergency session declaring its support for Japan as it struggles against Zionist oppression.

Syrian Ambassador to the U.N., H.E. Bashar Ja’afari scolded Israel:

Is it not enough that you Zionists must occupy Arab lands?  Now you use your superior technology to flatten Japan, making it easier for you devils with tails to take over that nation? Don’t look towards the U.S. delegation.  Their President feels the same way I do.  And once he finishes playing 18 holes of golf I will contact him for a statement.

From the racist state of Texas, where he is living off ill-gotten Haliburton royalties, George Bush was confronted by courageous reporters from MSNBC.

MSNBC:  Have you no shame sir?  Do you deny responsibility for what’s happened in Japan?

George Bush:  Yes.  I’ve seen the images on the news.  Absolutely horrible and gut-wrenching.  We need to pray for the victims of this tragedy and help the survivors.

MSNBC:  You’re mean.  You suck.

On board his specially-equipped 767 jet, nicknamed “Global Warming 1“, former Vice President, scientific adviser to Leonardo DiCaprio and man of passion Al Gore spoke with reporters via skype:

What has happened in the Land of the Rising Sun has confirmed what I have been telling people for years.  Yes, it is an inconvenient truth but global warming caused this.  Ice packs have melted, lessening the weight on tectonic plates, causing them to move. George Bush also has to accept responsibility.  If he had only signed the Protocols of the Elders of Kyoto the world would live in peace, polar bears would not drown and I would be President.

Mr. Gore then spoke of his efforts to  monitor the crisis on the ground.

Gore: This jet can stay in the air for up to four weeks at once.  Several jets are following and can refuel us when necessary.  I do this because I care for our planet.  I ask all Americans to buy carbon credits which can be used to give the Japanese mud huts and toilet free waste disposal units.

Reporter: You mean outhouses?

Gore:  That is the colloquial term.  They are quaint but necessary.  Science has proven that every time you flush a toilet the Earth dies.

The U.N. is scheduled to vote tomorrow on a special resolution demanding that Israel get out of Palestine within 48 hours or all resources that are currently directed towards helping the quake victims in Japan will be diverted towards a military blockade of Israel.

“If the Jews are serious about helping Japan they will leave” said Ja’afari.  “But I wouldn’t hold my breath.  Zionist bastards!”

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After holding extensive hearings, Congress today gave approval for the FDA  to market the so-called “Charlie Sheen Drug” as an over the counter medication for those suffering from postpartum depression.

The hearing were at times contentious as opponents of the new drug gave testimony in hopes of preventing its approval.

The most dramatic testimony came from a “Mrs. H” a 30-year old mother from Poughkeepsie, New York who, due to an unfortunate side effect of the drug, appeared with a paper bag over her head.

Mrs. H testified that after the birth of her second child she suffered from debilitating depression and was often not able to get out of bed.   She had tried everything when her doctor recommended an experimental new drug called the “Charlie Sheen.”

My doctor assured me that this drug would not only cure my depression it would  make me feel like a freaking rock star, like an F-18, that my fingertips would breathe fire.  And it was low in sodium. No one told me about the possible side effects.  That’s why I’m wearing this bag.

It was then that Jack Kingston (R-Georgia), Chairman of the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Agriculture, Rural Development, Food and Drug Administration and Related Agencies asked her about the side effects and what happened to her.

After taking the drug I felt great.  At first.  Then I started to feel dizzy.  My son asked me ‘Mommy what’s wrong with your face?’  I looked in a mirror and my face was melting off. 

She was then asked to remove the paper bag from her head.  After she did their were audible gasps in the room.  Congressman Kingston asked, “What the hell happened to your face?  It looks like mashed up Shepard’s pie.”

Ranking member Sam Farr (D-CA) told Mrs. H to “put that paper bag back on before my testicles shrivel up permanently.”

Mrs. H broke down in tears and had to be escorted from the hearing.

Despite her testimony Congress gave its approval for the drug to be marketed.  Said Chairman Kingston, “This is the only drug we have that effectively treats postpartum depression.  And it’s low in sodium.”

Next up for the committee:  Testimony on the so-called “Emilio Estevez” drug which is expected to gain approval without any opposition.

“The drug really doesn’t do anything that we can see, except live off its more famous brother and father.  And it’s low in sodium” said Kingston.

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Dateline 250 million B.C. After many millions of years together as the only land mass on Earth, the supercontinent Pangaea has broken up.

In a statement released as he broke off, the North American plate said that he is leaving because “We have grown apart over the years.  Every day I can feel us moving farther and farther from each other.”

However many blame the new girlfriend of the Eurasian plate, avant-garde performance artist Yoko Ono (pictured here.)  

“It’s true” said the African plate. “We used to be very tight until she came along.” 

Sources report that after he hooked up with Ono, the Eurasian plate became convinced that he was much more than a tectonic plate.  The Eurasian plate felt that he was an artist who did not need the other plates.  Soon Eurasia was attending avant-garde events.

“He totally changed” said the African plate.  “I just didn’t feel close to him anymore.  He started pulling away.”

For his part Eurasia sensed the other continents disapproved of his new girlfriend.

“He was really pissed at the others” said a friend.   “They had a lot of arguments over her.”

Still others blame the North American’s plates new wife, photographer Linda Eastman (pictured here.) 

“After the North American plate got married he bought a farm with lots of sheep and didn’t hang out with the other continents” said a critic.

Some believe the real culprit behind the breakup is a little understood force called plate tectonics.  Others feel Pangaea broke up because they refused to tour. Still others blame George Bush.

No matter the real reason many feel that the separate continents will never be as big as they were when they were together.

The only person happy with the breakup is Pangaea’s former drummer Pete Best. Said Pete, “Serves them right for getting rid of me. I’m a better drummer than the Australian plate anyway.”

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