Charlie Sheen Drug Approved

Our debt as explained by the hooker analogyAfter holding extensive hearings, Congress today gave approval for the FDA  to market the so-called “Charlie Sheen Drug” as an over the counter medication for those suffering from postpartum depression.

The hearing were at times contentious as opponents of the new drug gave testimony in hopes of preventing its approval.

The most dramatic testimony came from a “Mrs. H” a 30-year old mother from Poughkeepsie, New York who, due to an unfortunate side effect of the drug, appeared with a paper bag over her head.

Mrs. H testified that after the birth of her second child she suffered from debilitating depression and was often not able to get out of bed.   She had tried everything when her doctor recommended an experimental new drug called the “Charlie Sheen.”

My doctor assured me that this drug would not only cure my depression it would  make me feel like a freaking rock star, like an F-18, that my fingertips would breathe fire.  And it was low in sodium. No one told me about the possible side effects.  That’s why I’m wearing this bag.

It was then that Jack Kingston (R-Georgia), Chairman of the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Agriculture, Rural Development, Food and Drug Administration and Related Agencies asked her about the side effects and what happened to her.

After taking the drug I felt great.  At first.  Then I started to feel dizzy.  My son asked me ‘Mommy what’s wrong with your face?’  I looked in a mirror and my face was melting off. 

She was then asked to remove the paper bag from her head.  After she did their were audible gasps in the room.  Congressman Kingston asked, “What the hell happened to your face?  It looks like mashed up Shepard’s pie.”

Ranking member Sam Farr (D-CA) told Mrs. H to “put that paper bag back on before my testicles shrivel up permanently.”

Mrs. H broke down in tears and had to be escorted from the hearing.

Despite her testimony Congress gave its approval for the drug to be marketed.  Said Chairman Kingston, “This is the only drug we have that effectively treats postpartum depression.  And it’s low in sodium.”

Next up for the committee:  Testimony on the so-called “Emilio Estevez” drug which is expected to gain approval without any opposition.

“The drug really doesn’t do anything that we can see, except live off its more famous brother and father.  And it’s low in sodium” said Kingston.


6 Responses

  1. The Jungers says:

    Charlie Sheen wins the day again bitches, and he didn’t even have to use his fire breathing fists!

  2. innominatus says:

    It is low in sodium so even mayor bloomberg approves. And it makes women want to hide their face so the hardcore muzzies like it. It’s a win/win/WINNING! situation for all involved.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    TJ: Sheen@winning!

    Inn: Win….win…..WINNNINNNNG! I never knew Sheen was so inclusive, so tolerant. I guess the porn stars and coke have opened his, um, mind.

  4. MK says:

    “Next up for the committee: Testimony on the so-called “Emilio Estevez” drug which is expected to gain approval without any opposition.”

    There’s also the mexican/brown people angle, should easily push it over the line.

  5. Charlie sheen is a monster. I can’t believe he still parties so hard even though hes getting so old. What a goon.

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