Lieutenant commander Spock stood beside a converted 1964  Buick Riviera.

“I knew changes were coming.  I knew the budget was going to be reduced.  But this is ridiculous” said the frustrated career Star Fleet officer.

The Star Ship Enterprise, capable of speeds of warp 8 and outfitted with photon torpedoes had been mothballed, the victim of massive budget deficits.  In its place was the much cheaper to maintain Enterprise B, formerly a four-door with a maximum speed of 85 miles per hour (125 on the New Jersey Turnpike.)

“I have to go around the galaxy in this?” Spock continued.  “At 85 miles an hour it’s going to take me thousands of years just to get to Vulcan.  And the entire time I’d have to put up with Kirk and Uhura making out in the back seat like teenagers.”

Spock also complained of “That bitch Sulu waiving his sword around.  And every time I wanted to speed her up Scotty would say ‘I can’t change the laws of physics. She’s a piece of crap sir.’ ”

“It just seems to me to be highly illogical to use this car to cruise around the galaxy.  Will the Klingons be impressed?  I don’t think so.”

In addition to the Buick other cost-cutting  measures include taking the crew’s communicators. “those things had great reception” and replacing them with cheaper iPhones.

Spock bristled at the mention of their new communicators.

“Great.  AT&T.  Not only will I never see Vulcan again but my calls keep getting dropped.  And how about putting Java on the damn things.  If I’m going to be stuck in a Buick I want to watch some hot Vulcan porn.”

Also out:  The annual Cowboy Poetry Festival on Vulcan.

“Vulcans love cowboy poetry.  I know it’s not logical but we do.  They could have at least kept that in the budget.  These cuts are cruel.”

The Enterprise’s five-year mission to seek out new life and new civilizations has been replaced by a three-year mission delivering the new Star Fleet brand pizza.

“I guess they have to make some money somehow.  The pizza’s okay.  A little pricey and I could do without the pineapple topping.  But what really pisses me off is that we don’t even get to keep the tips. Those go back to Star Fleet. F$*#*^&g admirals.”

All in all it’s enough to make Spock consider a career change.

“Maybe I’ll get my Microsoft certification.  Computers are a good stable career path.”

Spock finished his cigarette and threw it on the ground.

“Well I’d like to stay and talk but we are delivering a couple boxes of pizza to Mars.”

From the back of the Buick Captain Kirk leaned out and shouted.

“Come on Spock.  You’re driving.  And if you can find motel do it.  Me and Uhuru want to get it on.”

Spock rolled his eyes.

“I think I’ll just Vulcan neck pinch them.  That’ll keep them quiet.”

(592)