20 Apr 11

Congress Repeals Article 1 Section 9 Clause 8 of Constitution

Why can’t America have inbred royalty?The Congress of  the former Republic of the United States, acting on the overwhelming wishes of the respectable citizens, repealed Article 1 Section 9 Clause 8 of the Constitution.

Said clause, which reads

No title of nobility shall be granted by the United States.  And no person holding any office of profit or trust under them, shall, without the consent of Congress accept any present, Emolument, Office or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince or foreign state

was deemed, in light of the current historical situation, an embarrassing remnant of 18th Century prejudice.

Indeed, with the major American news networks sending thousands of correspondents to Great Britain, to cover the wedding of Prince William, heir to the throne of Great Britain to  Kate Middleton, America’s obsession and love for all things royal and noble has never before been so open.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) told reporters that

I believe our founding fathers erred in getting rid of titles of nobility. As a Democrat, a member of the party of the people, we should have royalty. It’ll go far to helping make political discourse more civil if I am confident that the person on the other side of the aisle shares my sophisticated breeding and pure blue blood. This is not the case when dealing with the unsophisticated.

Senator Reid is among the first branch of Americans to benefit from the repeal and has been granted the title of “First Lord of the Doofus” by Queen Elizabeth.  A clearly excited Reid said “I have no idea where the land of Doofus lies, but I believe it is somewhere near Liverpool.”

Many other member of Congress were also granted titles, including Ted Kennedy who was posthumously granted the title of First Lord of the Submerged and Overturned Oldsmobile.

Senator John Kerry (D-MA) who sponsored the bill to repeal the offending clause of the Constitution said

America would benefit greatly from the introduction of noble titles.  It would, I am sure, make all subjects of this land content to know that their rulers come from an approved bloodline.  We look to England as an example.  My only regret is that Prince William is marrying a commoner.  In my capacity as a Senator from Massachusetts and First Lord of the Wind Surfing Elitists I pledge to bring before Congress a bill prohibiting marriage between our new nobility and those commoners of dubious blood lines.

Senator Kerry’s bill would ban “all those who attended state universities, community colleges, those making less than 200,000 per year and, of course, the Irish” from being eligible of rising to the rank of nobility.

“I can’t stress how important is it that our new royalty not be tainted by commoners or Celtics” said Kerry.

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19 Apr 11

President Obama Opens up 2012 Campaign by Highlighting Wind Power

See that building behind me? We used to own it.President Obama started his campaign for reelection with a stop on the Gulf of Mexico in Louisiana, site of the 2010 oil spill.  Holding a can of oil in his hand he poured it onto the beach.

This pristine beach, a beauty of  nature was damaged irreversibly by the oil spill last year.  The Republicans love fossil fuels and would keep us dependent upon them. But oil is dangerous.  That’s why I am ordering an end to all drilling in all U.S. territory forever.  Never again will a fish, or a man, die because of Republican policies.  From now on we will use clean, renewable energy.  From now on all cars will run on wind power. From now on all planes will fly on wind power.

Not content with being the greatest orator the world has ever known, President Obama then gave concrete examples of his commitment to renewable energy. Throughout the United States, wind factories, dubbed Soylent Wind have begun manufacturing wind power. Air Force Two, the Vice President’s plane has been retrofitted to run solely on wind power.

It took off today on its maiden wind flight.  I expect to hear from the Vice President any minute now talking about the wonder of wind-fueled jet flight.  What? What do you mean the plane went down?

After his speech in Louisiana President Obama then jetted up to New York to speak at the site of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire that killed 146 garment workers in 1911.

The Republicans love cotton.  Wasn’t cotton the source of the plantation economy?  You see, my opponents the Republicans would bring back slavery and force people to wear cotton clothing.  My policy, enlightened Democratic policy will emphasis wind-based clothing.  Wind technology is safe and clean.  From now on all a citizen has to do is walk naked into the wind.  If he is within five miles of a soylent wind plant the wind will clothe him.  Never again will anyone die in a sweat shop making cotton clothing for slave owners.  What?  What do you mean it was the Democrats who were the slave owners?

From New York City the President traveled to Mt. Holly New Jersey, the site of a recent tragedy where a 15 year old girl received a deep bruise during a game of lacrosse in gym class.

Contact sports?  Is there anything more barbaric?  More dangerous?  More indicative of  dangerous Republican policies?  I pledge in my second term to end all contact sports across America. Contact sports drive up health care costs.  That’s why my health care reform is necessary. I say to the Republicans:  Competition never again!

The President then held up a bacon cheeseburger to the crowd.

You see this?  Studies show that 100% of people who eat this will one day die.  No doubt from clogged arteries.  When I am re-elected I will ban all food.  My soylent wind factories are also producing a new pill that will substitute for food.  They have named it after me.  It is called soylent Obama.  Sure the pill is hard to swallow.  You may experience nausea and vomiting.  But you’ll soon adjust and wonder how you ever lived without it.  Republicans would let you eat what you want, driving up  health care costs. Democratic policies know what’s best for you.  My administration’s policies will help the masses. That is all.  You are dismissed my people.

****  Breaking News ****

The wreckage of Vice President Biden’s wind-powered plane has been discovered ten feet from where it took off.  According to the National Transportation Safety Administration the malfunction was most likely caused by Republican policies or lack of wind.

**** Breaking News ****

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18 Apr 11

Yankees Win on Cold, Rainy Day in Da Bronx

 “Baseball is a fun game.  It beats working for a living” ~ Phil Linz

Nick Swisher salutes the Right Field fans

It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times.  Someone once said that.  I think it was a blogger.  Anyway Saturday afternoon I found myself at Yankee Stadium on a cold, raw, windy, rainy Spring day as the Yankees faced the Texas (best team in baseball?) Rangers.   Game time temperature:  45 degrees.  Wind gust of 25 miles per hour.  Overcast.  (It started to rain during the National Anthem and didn’t stop the entire game.)

The Yankees started Freddy Garcia (1-0 1.29) while Texas started Derek Holland (2-1 3.66).  Holland is lifetime 0-3 against the Yankees.

The Yankees got on the board first as Mark Teixera continued his hot April (and who would have thought Teixeira and hot April would go together) as he homered in the bottom of the first bringing home Nick Swisher who had singled.  Jeter, of course, led off the game with a ground out.

2-0 Yankees after one inning.

In the bottom of the third Jeter walked and moved to third when Swisher doubled.  Teixeira then hit a sacrifice fly to Center Field scoring Jeter.

3-0 Yankees after three.

After six innings of wonderful work by Garcia he was pulled for Joba “My spirit guide is International House of Pancakes” Chamberlain.  Joba continued to pitch well with velocity matching his 2007 form.  He gave up one hit while striking out two.

3-0 after seven.

In the Eighth the Yankees brought in Rafael “I no like cold weather” Soriano.  He of the 9.53 ERA.  Soriano had another bad appearance allowing two runs on three hits and a walk.  Elvis “Is dead” Andrus singled home Mitch Moreland.  Michael Young singled allowing Ian Kinsler to score before Soriano was able to get out of the inning.

3-2 Yankees after 7 1/2 innings.

In the bottom of the eighth Teixeira singled and Robinson Cano hit a homer giving the Yankees some insurance runs.

5-2 Yankees after eight.

In the ninth Mariano Rivera (of the 0.00 ERA) struck out one and allowed a hit.  Final score:  Yankees 5 Texas 2.

Notes on the game:

Arriving early and walking around the Stadium I once again noticed the difference in treatment afforded the rich patrons in the 300 dollar seats and those in the bleachers.  The sign in the bathroom on the field level was this:

Cleanliness is not for the little people

Contrast that with the sign in the bathroom by the bleachers which said:

I hope you wiped your ass you poor bastard.  Do you think we’re going to pay AROD’s salary with your $14 dollar ticket?  You’re lucky we even provide toilet paper. You make me sick.  I can’t even look at you!

Catching for the Yankees today was backup Gustavo Molina.  Section 5.09a of the Official Rules of Major League Baseball states that “Every team must have at least one catcher named Molina.  So suck it bitches.”

Because of the inclement weather the Yankees announced that everyone in attendance would be given a free ticket to another game.  Unfortunately the game is at Citi Field to see the Mets play the Marlins.

Before the game the Yankees show on the big screen all Yankees saying “Welcome to Yankee stadium. Please enjoy your stay.”  However Ivan Nova said “Welcome to Yankee Stadium.  Please buy plenty of concessions.  Los Yanquis have my family. I want to see them again.”  I bought some popcorn.

Recommended reading material:  The New York City Draft Riots:  Their Significance for American Society and Politics in the Age of the Civil War by Iver Bernstein.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “My wife is a nurse.  She gives me these pills that make me all happy inside.”

Lucky bastard gets free Demerol.  Isn’t that typical of America today? The rich have all the breaks while the rest of us have to buy our Demerol or swipe a fellow blogger’s supply.

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “If I haven’t mentioned this before I have a new couch.”

Yes, you have mentioned it before.  But D.B. gets free Demerol.  I think he has you beat.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I was playing catch with my  eight year old son in the back yard when one of the bodies I buried there became exposed.  My son wanted to know why there is a dead body buried in the back yard.  What do I tell him?”

Excellent question.  Just let him know that your hard work pays the mortgage and you can bury any goddamn body any goddamn place you want and if he doesn’t like it he can get a  goddamn job.  Besides, it was the body of a Mets fan.

So how are the Yankees going to do this year? It’s too early to hit the panic button.  We’ll have a better idea around Memorial Day but this team has issues.  Phil Hughes has reverted to 2008 dead arm form. A.J. Burnett has pitched well so far but he started out last year pitching well also.  CC Sabathia died of a heart attack in January while eating a 32-ounce porterhouse but being the trooper he is still pitches every fifth day.  But for how long?   AROD left the game early with biceps problems.  Derek Jeter?  Future Hall of Famer and he’s done great work for the Yankees.  But how long will the Yankees bat him first and second if all he can do is weakly ground out?  Sooner or later they will have to move him to seventh or eighth in the lineup.

My record so far this year stands at 2-0.  My next game is Sunday May 1st against the Toronto “We have no chance of winning the division, eh?” Blue Jays.

Go Yanks!

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15 Apr 11

New Feature on Manhattan Infidel

Hi! Do you like Manhattan Infidel? You do? Let’s talk and then have sexLately as my blog has become more popular (with more than the police I mean) I have pondered  how to make my site of more benefit to my readers.

Having upgraded my software and taking advantage of the latest surveys I am proud to announce the Manhattan Infidel Chat Line.  That’s right.  For only $52.95 a minute anyone who comes to my site will now be able talk online with hot singles looking for action.

The idea came to me while I was doing a random survey of streetwalkers single women I have met.  I found that an overwhelming 85% would enjoy renting a motel room for an hour talking to someone they’ve never met before who visited my blog.  The other 15% were undercover policewomen  obviously lesbians.

I tested the beta version of this new feature last week and despite a few bugs it worked out better than expected as the following transcript shows.

Tuesday 2:51 AM

First male:  Yeah hi.  I’m hot and ready for action.  Any women on this line now?  

Second male:  Hi. 

First male:  What?  Who is this?  Are there any women on line?

Third male:  Hello.  This is Gavin MacLeod. Many of you may remember me as Murray Slaughter on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Captain Merrill Stubing on the Love Boat or as one of the non important crew members of McHale’s Navy.  I just want to remind my fans that I am appearing in Kenosha Wisconsin’s regional theater production of Oh Calcutta!  Tickets are still available.

Fourth male:  I’ve been on this line for ten minutes and haven’t heard anything hot yet. 

Second Male:  I knew I shouldn’t have given Manhattan Infidel my credit card number.  This smells like a scam.

Manhattan Infidel:  Too late. I have your credit card number and I’m buying the complete Time Life Julia Child DVD collection.

First male:  What?  I knew it.  It’s a f#$_@$g scam! Manhattan Infidel if I ever find you I’m going to kick your ass! You motherf- [click]

Manhattan Infidel:  I’m sorry people I had to disconnect him.  He violated the terms which call for a new civility in discourse.  Hey, Gavin MacLeod?  You sound interesting.  Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Third male:  Yes.  And tickets are still available.  Come see me and Al Pacino in the starring roles.

Second male:  You know the other guy was right.  This is a f$%@*g scam.  I’m calling the police.  [click]

Third male:  As Gavin MacLeod, union member and respected thespian I must remind you that my credit card number can only be used for pizza, aluminum siding and cocaine.  Come see me.  I’ll be in Kenosha for two more weeks.

Manhattan Infidel:  I got your credit card numbers!!  And I’m maxing them out baby!  I’m mad!  Mad with power I tell you!!  The world is mine!  (Well, except for certain sections of Brooklyn I’m afraid to go to at night.)

Fourth male:  I’m still here.  Any hot women? Is Gavin MacLeod still on the line?

As you can see there are a few kinks to be worked out but having said that I remain very excited about this new feature and the opportunity it presents to interact with my loyal readers.

You must be over 18.  Service not available in New Jersey and the Dominican Republic.  Service not available where prohibited by law.  Gavin MacLeod not available where prohibited by law.

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14 Apr 11

Mitt Romney Announces Exploratory Committee to Determine by How Much He Will Lose 2012 Nomination

Look at me. Look at my hair. Don’t look at my record.The handsome ex-governor of Massachusetts stared into the camera.

Hello. I am Mitt Romney.  And this is my hair.  I am announcing today the opening of an exploratory committee.  This exploratory committee has one purpose:  To determine by how much I will lose the 2012 Republican presidential nomination.  If my exploratory committee determines that I will lose badly, drop out after the first few primaries and lose millions of my own fortune in the process then I, Mitt Romney, along with my hair, will announce that I will run for President of this great land.

Like many Americans I, and my hair, are worried about the direction this country is heading. We need to rediscover what made this country great.  I believe I am that man.  Only I represent the core values of the Republican Party such as socialized medicine, crippling deficits and entitlement spending under the guise of compassionate conservatism.

I believe that I, and my hair, can lose and lose badly.  None of my opponents can claim this.  Rudy Guiliani has no hair. This means he has nothing to hide.  Mike Huckabee has pedestrian hair.  This means he is no-nonsense. Donald Trump has the hair of a 1960s hippie woman’s underarms. Obviously he is a formidable opponent.

All these men have fixed, core principles.  Not so me.  Like my hair, which waves in the breeze, my beliefs waver according to the political winds.

In the near future my exploratory committee will be mailing you a questionnaire.  Your honest answers will help me, and my hair, determine how likely you are to not vote for me.

This questionnaire has been put together by top advisers on my exploratory committee.  These advisers, like you, will probably not vote for me.  Now that I mention it, three have left to join Michelle Bachman’s exploratory committee, two have vowed to gouge out their eyes rather than vote for me and one is my mother who, while she personally admires me, has no intention of voting for me.

So please, I ask all Americans to engage in the political process and answer my questionnaire.  Your help is greatly appreciated.  

I am Mitt Romney and I approved this message.

The preceding announcement was funded by the “How Much Will  Mitt Romney Have His Ass Handed to Him in 2012” political action committee.

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13 Apr 11

Yankees Rained Out

“Baseball?  It’s just a game – as simple as a ball and a bat.  Yet as complex as the American spirit it symbolizes.  It’s a sport, business and sometimes even religion.” ~ Ernie Harwell, “The Game for All America” 1955

The tarp on the infield. A sad site.

Well tonight the Yankees were supposed to play my pick to win the AL East – the Baltimore Orioles.  Unfortunately I arrived at Yankee Stadium just in time for the torrential downpours.  Shortly after 7 PM (the purported game time) the game was officially called off.

Fun things to do during a rain delay:

  1. Walk up to a stranger and say, “When the Grey Hair is dead, Magua will eat his heart.  Before he dies Magua will put his children under the knife so the Grey Hair will know his seed is wiped out forever.”
  2. Ask a Yankee Stadium security guard, “How does it feel being an obese fascist?” Note:  This is not a recommended action for those without medical insurance.
  3. Walk up to a preteen girl and say “How come you’re not dressed like a prostitute?  You are not hip lady!”
  4. Tell a stranger that “My father’s people say that at the birth of the Sun and of his brother the Moon their mother died. So the Sun gave to the Earth her body from which was to spring all life.  And he drew forth from her breast the stars and the stars he threw into the night sky to remind him of her soul.  Now suck it bitch.”

Well anyway this rain out put me in a quandary.  The post for Wednesday April 13th was supposed to be about Tuesday night’s game.  What to do?  Now I have nothing to write about.  But I am prepared for such an emergency.

The date was February 27, 2009.  My blog was about a week old and had a readership of about ten people (mostly drunks I pestered in bars on Third Avenue to read my blog.)  Anyway, I as of yet had no real idea what my blog would be about.  This post was the first post that I consider worthy of mention and a sign of things to come.

So I now present the first official Manhattan Infidel Re-Post.  Enjoy.

Derek Jeter ascends into Heaven:

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12 Apr 11

Manny Ramirez Retires From Baseball After Testing Positive for Everything

May I ingest that sir?Manny Ramirez, perhaps baseball’s greatest right-handed hitter and two time world champion when a member of the Boston Red Sox, abruptly retired over the weekend when faced with a 100-game suspension after testing positive for a performance enhancing drug.

Ramirez, who was banned for 50 games in 2009 after testing positive for human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), a female fertility drug, was informed last week that he had tested positive a third time for a banned substance.  Instead of complying with the mandatory suspension Ramirez resigned, telling fans that “he is disappointed that he will not be able to lead Boston to the World Series again this year.”  When informed that he actually plays for the Tampa Ray Rays Ramirez said “Boston plays in Tampa now?  Cool.”

When asked to state which substances Ramirez had tested positive for a spokesman for MLB said “Which ones didn’t he test positive for?”

Using documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act as well as other sources investigators were able to piece together a picture of a once-feared athlete desperately trying to hang onto his athletic edge as he grew older.

In addition to hCG, other anabolic steroids and HGH Ramirez tested positive for following psychoactive substances ingested intraveneously:

  • Vitamin supplements
  • Various amphetamines
  • Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA) commonly known as Ecstasy
  • Cocaine
  • Norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitors
  • Methylphenidate
  • Ampakines
  • Yohimbine

In addition to these, Ramirez also tested positive for sheep dip, comfy throw pillows, Clay Aiken, Benjamin Disraeli, the dog from Frasier and heroin.

MLB first started to become suspicious of Ramirez when he spent the off season in Canada for unconventional “Zamboni” treatments.

“Someone told him that if he let his testicles get crushed by a Zamboni the resultant release of hormones would give him strength and be undetectable by MLB” said an investigator.   “Instead all it did was give him a lovely falsetto singing voice.”

MLB also has in possession correspondence between Ramirez and fellow disgraced player Roger Clemens in which Clemens advises him to “crush up some bacon, put it into a syringe and shoot it in your butt.  It sounds crazy but it extended my career.”

Ramirez apparently misread the instructions and placed the bacon on a skillet, turned up the heat and sat on it.  He was treated for third degree burns to the anus.

The Commissioner’s Office of Major League Baseball released a statement that said “If in the future Mr. Ramirez would like to be reinstated the provisions of the collective bargaining agreement with regards to drug testing and suspensions for violations thereof will continue to be in force.”

From Boston, former teammate and long time friend David “Big Papi” Ortiz said “I’m shocked, saddened and disappointed. I can’t believe I let him borrow my skillet.”

(521)

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11 Apr 11

The New Crack: 100 Watt Light Bulbs

You wanna light bulb? I got the good stuff right here!Jose S. stood on the street corner as cars lined up for his services.  What was Jose selling?  Drugs?  Green cards?  Shares in the New York Mets?

None of the above.  Jose was selling the latest contraband item that has swept through cities and towns, destroying lives, marriages and carbon credits.  Jose was selling 100 watt light bulbs.

“It’s like a return to the ’90s” said a police offer stationed in Washington Heights in upper Manhattan.  “I though the worst of the drug scourge was over.  But these people buying light bulbs are worse than crack addicts.”

Because of congressional action the long-beloved 100 watt bulb will soon be illegal.  Instead of making the adjustment to the new authorized bulb, many citizens who have never before been in trouble with the law are risking detection, arrest and jail.  Donna B. of Philadelphia told investigators:

I‘ve been married to my husband Dan for 30 years.  One day he didn’t come  home.  I thought he had just gone into the city to get drunk and throw up at a Neil Young concert.  I’m fine with that.  But then the cops called me.  My husband had been arrested in a sting operation buying a pack of 100 watt light bulbs.  I’ve never been more ashamed in my life.  How will I look my friends in the eye again.  Doesn’t my husband care about me?  The children?  Our planet? What am I going to do with these carbon credits I bought?  They can’t bail him out or expunge his record!

The rise of light bulb related violence has many calling for tolerance, decriminalization or outright legalization of the bulbs. A group calling itself “Citizens Against Light Bulb Socialism”  has petitioned Congress to allow the use of old incandescent light bulbs.

“These new bulbs are crap. Hi. I’m a light bulb with mercury. I sure hope you’re not pregnant when I break They give no light and they contain mercury” said a spokesman.  “Keep the government off of my bulbs.”

Lisa P. Jackson, administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency characterized opposition to the new light bulb regulation as un-American.

“Clearly these people are a tiny minority of freaks who do not hold dear the core American value of rugged socialism directed from Washington.  These people make me sick.”

Meanwhile the violent drug trade in 100 watt bulbs continues unabated.

“I’m just providing a service” said Jose.  “If someone gets caught in crossfire between me and a rival bulb dealer so be it.”

As for Dan B. he was sentenced to 20 years in jail for possession of a 100 watt bulb.  He will not be eligible for parole until 2016.

(1239)

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8 Apr 11

Manhattan Infidel's Guide to Dream Interpretation

Dreams can be a tricky thing, especially if you are sex-obsessedAs part of my continuing series that aims to better the lives of my readers, I now present my guide to dream interpretation.  But before I do this I ask all my readers to not try this at home.  Do not self-interpret your dreams.  Leave them to a professional like myself.  Remember, I am a blogger and heavily medicated.

A regular reader of my blog emails:

I have this recurring dream that I am at the plate in the bottom of the ninth.  It is game seven of the World Series, we are down by three runs and there are two outs.  I hit a grand slam and win the game.  I am the hero of the moment.  What does this dream mean?

That’s a common dream and it means that you are obsessed with transsexual prostitutes, pick them up frequently and then murder them.  You keep their skulls in  your refrigerator as mementos of your crimes. Yes, I believe this is the only possible interpretation.  I have forwarded your email to local law-enforcement you freak!

Another reader emails me that:

I have a dream where I am promoted at work and given a good raise.  For the first time I am able, really able to provide for my wife and children.  This has worried me a lot in the past. What does it mean?  Does it mean I will be promoted?

That also is a common dream.  It means you are a shallow, self-absorbed capitalist pig who cares nothing for others. The fact that you are unable to provide for your family means that you deny your wife her right to get a job outside your bourgeois fantasy home.  You probably make her cook for you too.  You disgust me.  I thought your backward type died out in the ’60s.  Yes, this is the only possible interpretation to this dream.  And you are obsessed with transsexual  prostitutes as well.

One reader states:

I have a good job that pays me well.  But I find it intellectually unsatisfying.  I have recurring dreams that I am a writer with a popular blog that lets me express myself. I always wake up happy from these dreams.  Perhaps my dreams are trying to tell me to start a blog?

Interpreting this dream was a little harder but after much thought and reflection I believe I have the answer.  You are sexually conflicted and have trouble achieving an erection.  You take Cialis for your erectile dysfunction but whenever you get within five feet of a woman you break down crying.  You spend most of your time at home sitting on the couch. Usually you accompany your couch potato lifestyle by drinking cans of beer and throwing the empties at your cat.  You have no friends.  You are a Taurus.  And you are obsessed with transsexual prostitutes.

And finally a reader writes me that:

I have this dream.  I am the only man in a room filled with beautiful college girls.  They are dressed as french maids, cheerleaders and nurses.  They all want me and take turns tearing my clothes off and satisfying me.  Some like to be spanked. ‘Spank me daddy, spank me please’ they cry.  Others have handcuffs. ‘I’ve been a bad girl officer.  Please frisk me and take me to an interrogation room and have your way with me.’  What do these dreams mean?

You have a blog, don’t you?

And that’s my guide to dream interpretation.  I hope I was able to help my readers better understand the true meaning of their dreams.

(661)

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7 Apr 11

Manhattan Infidel Investigates the Finances of the New York Mets

Mr Met needs facial reduction surgeryAs baseball season is upon us I figured it would be the perfect time to delve deeply into the troubled financial state of the professional baseball club known as the New York Mets.  (In the interests of full disclosure I must state that I am a fan of the New York Yankees.  Nonetheless I have decided to investigate the Mets finances because the truth must be told, no matter how painful.)

During my visit to their offices, the Wilpons, owners of the Mets, gave me unfettered access to their financial records  They did this because they want the truth to come out as much as I do (and I also drugged them.)  Hey, it was simply easier to check their records when they were unconscious.

As most people know the Mets have been hit hard by the Bernie Madoff  scandal, leaving a gaping hole in their financial well-being to the point that the Wilpons, owners of the Mets, are seeking to sell off shares in the hope of raising money.

Records show that the Mets will lose as much as 250 million this year.  However, not all of their problems can be laid at the foot of Madoff.

  • During the 2010 season the Mets spent 35 million on witness protection relocation for Carlos Beltran.  “Think about it” says a MLB executive.  “What other explanation can there be for the fact that Beltran has disappeared.  Foul play?  The Mets haven’t killed a player since Donn Clendenon and that was only because he wouldn’t share his hookers with Gil Hodges.  Well, he wouldn’t share his good-looking hookers with Gil Hodges.”
  • 20 million was spent on eyelash enhancement surgery for David Wright.  “It was felt that by enhancing his eyelashes he might get hit by more baseballs and reach first base more often.  I mean, he can’t strike out all the time.”
  • A whopping 63 million was spent on unsuccessful facial reduction surgery for beloved mascot Mr. Met. “That’s not a costume.  That’s his actual face” said a Met executive.  “That’s why we hired him.  But recently he’s been having problems standing up…..it’s the weight of the face you know.  Plus he’s on eHarmony now and needed a good headshot. What were we to do?  The doctor said it would work.  But it just left him with scars.  Now he looks like Robert Davi. Would you want to look like this man?  Must be very disappointing for him.”
  • 12 million was spent cutting off Jason Bay’s head and attaching it to a rubber chicken.  “Yeah, we have no explanation for that” said a MLB spokesman.  “Maybe it was a religious ritual.”

And so readers, as you can see my exclusive investigation show that the Mets, instead of plowing profits into putting a better team on the field foolishly spent large sums of money on what can best be described as dubious investments.

My findings are entirely truthful, objective and nonpartisan.

If I am lying about any of this may Olivia Wilde If I am lying may this woman show up in my bedroom be waiting for me in my bedroom when I arrive home tonight.


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