President Obama started his campaign for reelection with a stop on the Gulf of Mexico in Louisiana, site of the 2010 oil spill.  Holding a can of oil in his hand he poured it onto the beach.

This pristine beach, a beauty of  nature was damaged irreversibly by the oil spill last year.  The Republicans love fossil fuels and would keep us dependent upon them. But oil is dangerous.  That’s why I am ordering an end to all drilling in all U.S. territory forever.  Never again will a fish, or a man, die because of Republican policies.  From now on we will use clean, renewable energy.  From now on all cars will run on wind power. From now on all planes will fly on wind power.

Not content with being the greatest orator the world has ever known, President Obama then gave concrete examples of his commitment to renewable energy. Throughout the United States, wind factories, dubbed Soylent Wind have begun manufacturing wind power. Air Force Two, the Vice President’s plane has been retrofitted to run solely on wind power.

It took off today on its maiden wind flight.  I expect to hear from the Vice President any minute now talking about the wonder of wind-fueled jet flight.  What? What do you mean the plane went down?

After his speech in Louisiana President Obama then jetted up to New York to speak at the site of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire that killed 146 garment workers in 1911.

The Republicans love cotton.  Wasn’t cotton the source of the plantation economy?  You see, my opponents the Republicans would bring back slavery and force people to wear cotton clothing.  My policy, enlightened Democratic policy will emphasis wind-based clothing.  Wind technology is safe and clean.  From now on all a citizen has to do is walk naked into the wind.  If he is within five miles of a soylent wind plant the wind will clothe him.  Never again will anyone die in a sweat shop making cotton clothing for slave owners.  What?  What do you mean it was the Democrats who were the slave owners?

From New York City the President traveled to Mt. Holly New Jersey, the site of a recent tragedy where a 15 year old girl received a deep bruise during a game of lacrosse in gym class.

Contact sports?  Is there anything more barbaric?  More dangerous?  More indicative of  dangerous Republican policies?  I pledge in my second term to end all contact sports across America. Contact sports drive up health care costs.  That’s why my health care reform is necessary. I say to the Republicans:  Competition never again!

The President then held up a bacon cheeseburger to the crowd.

You see this?  Studies show that 100% of people who eat this will one day die.  No doubt from clogged arteries.  When I am re-elected I will ban all food.  My soylent wind factories are also producing a new pill that will substitute for food.  They have named it after me.  It is called soylent Obama.  Sure the pill is hard to swallow.  You may experience nausea and vomiting.  But you’ll soon adjust and wonder how you ever lived without it.  Republicans would let you eat what you want, driving up  health care costs. Democratic policies know what’s best for you.  My administration’s policies will help the masses. That is all.  You are dismissed my people.

****  Breaking News ****

The wreckage of Vice President Biden’s wind-powered plane has been discovered ten feet from where it took off.  According to the National Transportation Safety Administration the malfunction was most likely caused by Republican policies or lack of wind.

**** Breaking News ****

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