As baseball season is upon us I figured it would be the perfect time to delve deeply into the troubled financial state of the professional baseball club known as the New York Mets.  (In the interests of full disclosure I must state that I am a fan of the New York Yankees.  Nonetheless I have decided to investigate the Mets finances because the truth must be told, no matter how painful.)

During my visit to their offices, the Wilpons, owners of the Mets, gave me unfettered access to their financial records  They did this because they want the truth to come out as much as I do (and I also drugged them.)  Hey, it was simply easier to check their records when they were unconscious.

As most people know the Mets have been hit hard by the Bernie Madoff  scandal, leaving a gaping hole in their financial well-being to the point that the Wilpons, owners of the Mets, are seeking to sell off shares in the hope of raising money.

Records show that the Mets will lose as much as 250 million this year.  However, not all of their problems can be laid at the foot of Madoff.

• During the 2010 season the Mets spent 35 million on witness protection relocation for Carlos Beltran.  “Think about it” says a MLB executive.  “What other explanation can there be for the fact that Beltran has disappeared.  Foul play?  The Mets haven’t killed a player since Donn Clendenon and that was only because he wouldn’t share his hookers with Gil Hodges.  Well, he wouldn’t share his good-looking hookers with Gil Hodges.”
• 20 million was spent on eyelash enhancement surgery for David Wright.  “It was felt that by enhancing his eyelashes he might get hit by more baseballs and reach first base more often.  I mean, he can’t strike out all the time.”
• A whopping 63 million was spent on unsuccessful facial reduction surgery for beloved mascot Mr. Met. “That’s not a costume.  That’s his actual face” said a Met executive.  “That’s why we hired him.  But recently he’s been having problems standing up…..it’s the weight of the face you know.  Plus he’s on eHarmony now and needed a good headshot. What were we to do?  The doctor said it would work.  But it just left him with scars.  Now he looks like Robert Davi.   Must be very disappointing for him.”
• 12 million was spent cutting off Jason Bay’s head and attaching it to a rubber chicken.  “Yeah, we have no explanation for that” said a MLB spokesman.  “Maybe it was a religious ritual.”

And so readers, as you can see my exclusive investigation show that the Mets, instead of plowing profits into putting a better team on the field foolishly spent large sums of money on what can best be described as dubious investments.

My findings are entirely truthful, objective and nonpartisan.

If I am lying about any of this may Olivia Wilde be waiting for me in my bedroom when I arrive home tonight.

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