The New Crack: 100 Watt Light Bulbs

You wanna light bulb?  I got the good stuff right here!Jose S. stood on the street corner as cars lined up for his services.  What was Jose selling?  Drugs?  Green cards?  Shares in the New York Mets?

None of the above.  Jose was selling the latest contraband item that has swept through cities and towns, destroying lives, marriages and carbon credits.  Jose was selling 100 watt light bulbs.

“It’s like a return to the ’90s” said a police offer stationed in Washington Heights in upper Manhattan.  “I though the worst of the drug scourge was over.  But these people buying light bulbs are worse than crack addicts.”

Because of congressional action the long-beloved 100 watt bulb will soon be illegal.  Instead of making the adjustment to the new authorized bulb, many citizens who have never before been in trouble with the law are risking detection, arrest and jail.  Donna B. of Philadelphia told investigators:

I‘ve been married to my husband Dan for 30 years.  One day he didn’t come  home.  I thought he had just gone into the city to get drunk and throw up at a Neil Young concert.  I’m fine with that.  But then the cops called me.  My husband had been arrested in a sting operation buying a pack of 100 watt light bulbs.  I’ve never been more ashamed in my life.  How will I look my friends in the eye again.  Doesn’t my husband care about me?  The children?  Our planet? What am I going to do with these carbon credits I bought?  They can’t bail him out or expunge his record!

The rise of light bulb related violence has many calling for tolerance, decriminalization or outright legalization of the bulbs. A group calling itself “Citizens Against Light Bulb Socialism”  has petitioned Congress to allow the use of old incandescent light bulbs.

“These new bulbs are crap. Hi.  I’m a light bulb with mercury.  I sure hope you’re not pregnant when I break They give no light and they contain mercury” said a spokesman.  “Keep the government off of my bulbs.”

Lisa P. Jackson, administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency characterized opposition to the new light bulb regulation as un-American.

“Clearly these people are a tiny minority of freaks who do not hold dear the core American value of rugged socialism directed from Washington.  These people make me sick.”

Meanwhile the violent drug trade in 100 watt bulbs continues unabated.

“I’m just providing a service” said Jose.  “If someone gets caught in crossfire between me and a rival bulb dealer so be it.”

As for Dan B. he was sentenced to 20 years in jail for possession of a 100 watt bulb.  He will not be eligible for parole until 2016.


16 Responses

  1. The Jungers says:

    Hey man, whatcha upto, wanna buy a 100 watt light bulb, its way cool. All the kids are doing it these days. Even adults are doing it. Yea thats right man just take a look. Hell I’ll give you a free sample. Yea just try it and see if you like it man.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I believe 100 Watt bulbs should be legal. As a libertarian I believe the Government has no business telling us how to light our houses.

    If they continue on this policy I will have to burn down the EPA.

  3. The Jungers says:

    I’m all for burning down the EPA.

  4. innominatus says:

    Here’s an out-of-character non-smart-ass comment:

    At my second job there’s a walk-in freezer that’s way freekin’ cold. The hippy-dippy curly-Q spaghetti bulbs don’t like to light up when they’re that cold. It is either incandescent bulbs or darkness in there. Well, I s’pose I could fire up the Coleman camp latern. But you get the point.

    There are going to a be A LOT of unintended consequences to this ban and I hope it costs a lot of moonbats their seats in Congress.

  5. The problem with burning down the EPA? All that environmentally damaging carbon coming from the smoke plumes.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: Total darkness – that is the goal of our environmental overlords. It’ll be like the movie Zardoz – we will live outside the zone as primitives and our environmental overlords will live inside the bubble in advanced luxury.

    Shamus: I doubt some of them are human. They might burn mercury fumes, which is apparently OK.

  7. elf says:

    I’m so used to Onion Headlines coming true I no shit thought this was real.


    Then again, I could see these idiots going house to house looking for 100W bulbs.

  8. Manhattan Infidel says:


    Thanks. I’ll take it as a compliment you originally thought the article was real.

    I wrote it with the EPA in mind. “This is the EPA. Come out with your hands up and your 100-watt bulbs in your hands or we will open fire!”

  9. Greg says:

    I started on the 100 watters, but after a couple of months i wasn’t getting the juice i did when I started. I had to go with the two hundred watters. Man I need a fix. You got a fix?

  10. The Jungers says:

    Greg: That’ll cost you triple, 200 watters are hard to come buy and pack a punch.

  11. Mark says:

    Are fines tripled for 3-way bulbs?

  12. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Mark: There is no tripling of fines for three-ways. However, any bulbs interested in doing a three way will receive their own reality show on MTV.

  13. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Greg: I see you need an intervention.

  14. MK says:

    Don’t get me started on the light bulbs, if they’re selling them on the black market, count me in, on the plus side, there won’t be any sales tax.

  15. LED Bulb says:

    it is very helpful for me…thank you.

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