As part of my continuing series that aims to better the lives of my readers, I now present my guide to dream interpretation.  But before I do this I ask all my readers to not try this at home.  Do not self-interpret your dreams.  Leave them to a professional like myself.  Remember, I am a blogger and heavily medicated.

A regular reader of my blog emails:

I have this recurring dream that I am at the plate in the bottom of the ninth.  It is game seven of the World Series, we are down by three runs and there are two outs.  I hit a grand slam and win the game.  I am the hero of the moment.  What does this dream mean?

That’s a common dream and it means that you are obsessed with transsexual prostitutes, pick them up frequently and then murder them.  You keep their skulls in  your refrigerator as mementos of your crimes. Yes, I believe this is the only possible interpretation.  I have forwarded your email to local law-enforcement you freak!

Another reader emails me that:

I have a dream where I am promoted at work and given a good raise.  For the first time I am able, really able to provide for my wife and children.  This has worried me a lot in the past. What does it mean?  Does it mean I will be promoted?

That also is a common dream.  It means you are a shallow, self-absorbed capitalist pig who cares nothing for others. The fact that you are unable to provide for your family means that you deny your wife her right to get a job outside your bourgeois fantasy home.  You probably make her cook for you too.  You disgust me.  I thought your backward type died out in the ’60s.  Yes, this is the only possible interpretation to this dream.  And you are obsessed with transsexual  prostitutes as well.

One reader states:

I have a good job that pays me well.  But I find it intellectually unsatisfying.  I have recurring dreams that I am a writer with a popular blog that lets me express myself. I always wake up happy from these dreams.  Perhaps my dreams are trying to tell me to start a blog?

Interpreting this dream was a little harder but after much thought and reflection I believe I have the answer.  You are sexually conflicted and have trouble achieving an erection.  You take Cialis for your erectile dysfunction but whenever you get within five feet of a woman you break down crying.  You spend most of your time at home sitting on the couch. Usually you accompany your couch potato lifestyle by drinking cans of beer and throwing the empties at your cat.  You have no friends.  You are a Taurus.  And you are obsessed with transsexual prostitutes.

And finally a reader writes me that:

I have this dream.  I am the only man in a room filled with beautiful college girls.  They are dressed as french maids, cheerleaders and nurses.  They all want me and take turns tearing my clothes off and satisfying me.  Some like to be spanked. ‘Spank me daddy, spank me please’ they cry.  Others have handcuffs. ‘I’ve been a bad girl officer.  Please frisk me and take me to an interrogation room and have your way with me.’  What do these dreams mean?

You have a blog, don’t you?

And that’s my guide to dream interpretation.  I hope I was able to help my readers better understand the true meaning of their dreams.

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