Mitt Romney Announces Exploratory Committee to Determine by How Much He Will Lose 2012 Nomination

Look at me.  Look at my hair.  Don’t look at my record.The handsome ex-governor of Massachusetts stared into the camera.

Hello. I am Mitt Romney.  And this is my hair.  I am announcing today the opening of an exploratory committee.  This exploratory committee has one purpose:  To determine by how much I will lose the 2012 Republican presidential nomination.  If my exploratory committee determines that I will lose badly, drop out after the first few primaries and lose millions of my own fortune in the process then I, Mitt Romney, along with my hair, will announce that I will run for President of this great land.

Like many Americans I, and my hair, are worried about the direction this country is heading. We need to rediscover what made this country great.  I believe I am that man.  Only I represent the core values of the Republican Party such as socialized medicine, crippling deficits and entitlement spending under the guise of compassionate conservatism.

I believe that I, and my hair, can lose and lose badly.  None of my opponents can claim this.  Rudy Guiliani has no hair. This means he has nothing to hide.  Mike Huckabee has pedestrian hair.  This means he is no-nonsense. Donald Trump has the hair of a 1960s hippie woman’s underarms. Obviously he is a formidable opponent.

All these men have fixed, core principles.  Not so me.  Like my hair, which waves in the breeze, my beliefs waver according to the political winds.

In the near future my exploratory committee will be mailing you a questionnaire.  Your honest answers will help me, and my hair, determine how likely you are to not vote for me.

This questionnaire has been put together by top advisers on my exploratory committee.  These advisers, like you, will probably not vote for me.  Now that I mention it, three have left to join Michelle Bachman’s exploratory committee, two have vowed to gouge out their eyes rather than vote for me and one is my mother who, while she personally admires me, has no intention of voting for me.

So please, I ask all Americans to engage in the political process and answer my questionnaire.  Your help is greatly appreciated.  

I am Mitt Romney and I approved this message.

The preceding announcement was funded by the “How Much Will  Mitt Romney Have His Ass Handed to Him in 2012” political action committee.



13 Responses

  1. The Jungers says:

    Go Mitt Romney for not getting elected. I do inquire who Infidel is supporting these days?

  2. Mitt Romney will be slaughtered at the polls in 2012.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    TJ: I am throwing the full weight of my moral authority and resources behind an effort to draft Innominatus for President.

    Shamus: He is the MSMs favorite republican at the moment. So… respectable and elite looking. So RHINOish.

  4. Maybe exploratory rectal surgery would be a better idea.

  5. innominatus says:

    Thanks for the vote of confidence. Now where’s that d*mn donation check? Exploratory Committees don’t come cheap, ya know!

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: Maybe when they explore his ass they’ll find his head.

    Inn: Funny. I thought King Shamus was handling all the money. I gave it all to him.

  7. innominatus says:

    That’s like asking KS to guard your Double-Down while you go refill your Pepsi. Things tend to come up missing.

  8. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn, now that you mention it, Shamus wouldn’t take my money. He insisted I pay him in Double-downs which he proceeded to consume in front of me. Then he exploded. Quite the mess.

  9. Matt says:

    Actually, what if Romney’s hair ran on it’s own? He’s all dead beneath the scalp anyway.

  10. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Romney’s hair is suitable to be the running mate for Donald Trump.

  11. MK says:

    I’m with Matt on this, can his hair run without him. I’m still tossing up whether a Trump-Mitt’s Hair ticket is better than a Mitt’s Hair-Trump ticket.

  12. Alice I. Stevens says:

    I hope and pray that you and your hair get elected !!
    Only God, you, and your hair can save this country !
    Love your sense of humor !!

  13. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Thanks Alice. Welcome to Manhattan Infidel.

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