Manny Ramirez Retires From Baseball After Testing Positive for Everything

May I ingest that sir?Manny Ramirez, perhaps baseball’s greatest right-handed hitter and two time world champion when a member of the Boston Red Sox, abruptly retired over the weekend when faced with a 100-game suspension after testing positive for a performance enhancing drug.

Ramirez, who was banned for 50 games in 2009 after testing positive for human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), a female fertility drug, was informed last week that he had tested positive a third time for a banned substance.  Instead of complying with the mandatory suspension Ramirez resigned, telling fans that “he is disappointed that he will not be able to lead Boston to the World Series again this year.”  When informed that he actually plays for the Tampa Ray Rays Ramirez said “Boston plays in Tampa now?  Cool.”

When asked to state which substances Ramirez had tested positive for a spokesman for MLB said “Which ones didn’t he test positive for?”

Using documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act as well as other sources investigators were able to piece together a picture of a once-feared athlete desperately trying to hang onto his athletic edge as he grew older.

In addition to hCG, other anabolic steroids and HGH Ramirez tested positive for following psychoactive substances ingested intraveneously:

  • Vitamin supplements
  • Various amphetamines
  • Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA) commonly known as Ecstasy
  • Cocaine
  • Norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitors
  • Methylphenidate
  • Ampakines
  • Yohimbine

In addition to these, Ramirez also tested positive for sheep dip, comfy throw pillows, Clay Aiken, Benjamin Disraeli, the dog from Frasier and heroin.

MLB first started to become suspicious of Ramirez when he spent the off season in Canada for unconventional “Zamboni” treatments.

Someone told him that if he let his testicles get crushed by a Zamboni the resultant release of hormones would give him strength and be undetectable by MLB” said an investigator.   “Instead all it did was give him a lovely falsetto singing voice.”

MLB also has in possession correspondence between Ramirez and fellow disgraced player Roger Clemens in which Clemens advises him to “crush up some bacon, put it into a syringe and shoot it in your butt.  It sounds crazy but it extended my career.”

Ramirez apparently misread the instructions and placed the bacon on a skillet, turned up the heat and sat on it.  He was treated for third degree burns to the anus.

The Commissioner’s Office of Major League Baseball released a statement that said “If in the future Mr. Ramirez would like to be reinstated the provisions of the collective bargaining agreement with regards to drug testing and suspensions for violations thereof will continue to be in force.”

From Boston, former teammate and long time friend David “Big Papi” Ortiz said “I’m shocked, saddened and disappointed. I can’t believe I let him borrow my skillet.”


7 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Two things. OK, 3 things…

    1. Somehow, someway, this has to be Lou Piniella’s fault. Anytime there’s a total confunkulated disaster in MLB, Lou’s fingerprints are all over it.
    2. “sheep dip, comfy throw pillows…” If a supercomputer were used to analyze the English language and determine what, exactly, is the very least likely sequence of words, this sentence would be it.
    3. The last paragraph came from nowhere and made me laugh loudly. Almost a cackle, in fact.

    One of your best posts, I’d say.

  2. Big Papi hasn’t been the same since Manny gave him back his tainted cookwear.

    So so sad.

    Also: Fuck the Red Sox.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: thanks.

    Shamus: So very very sad. And yes, fuck the Red Sox (sorry KH of Eastern Rite.) It did my heart good to see them lose handily last night. (And the Mets lost too for a double dose of gladness.)

  4. The Jungers says:

    GO YANKEES! that is about all i can say to this.

  5. I thought he was a conirmed glue sniffer. My mistake.

  6. MK says:

    “Ramirez apparently misread the instructions and placed the bacon on a skillet, turned up the heat and sat on it.”

    LOL, talk about frying his bacon. On the plus side he didn’t deep-fry his ass.

  7. Matt says:

    The only thing that wasn’t on the list was jenkem.

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