Last week I presented the Dogmatic Constitution of the Democratic Party.  Now through my contacts in the main steam media I present the Pastoral Constitution of the Democratic Party.  Unlike the Dogmatic Constitution which  focused on core beliefs, the Pastoral Constitution outlines how the Democrats will put their beliefs into action.  Because of the length of this remarkable document I will present it in several sections.

Preamble

The joy and the hope of all socialists of our time are the joy and the hope of all followers of Holy Mother Democratic Party.

The Democratic Party Addresses all Men (and Women, and Transgendered)

Now that the Democratic Party has deeply studied the mystery of the Democratic Party it resolutely addresses all who call upon the name of socialism and it longs to set forth the way it understands the presence and function  of the Democratic Party in the United States today.

The Situation of Man (And Woman and Transgendered in the World Today) 

Ours is a new age of history with critical and swift upheavals in the socialist body.  Yet increase in power is not always accompanied by control of that power for the benefit of mankind (and womankind and transgendered kind.)  Especially when Republicans are in power.

At no time have men (and women and transgendered) had such a keen sense of freedom, only to be faced by new forms of slavery such as low taxes, denial of the science of climate change and the rapid overpopulation of the Earth.

What the tradition of the Democratic Party makes known to us is that when man (or woman, or transgendered) looks into his own heart he is drawn towards what he knows is wrong (such as low taxes and capitalism.)

It is, however, only in the Democratic Party that man (or woman, or transgendered) can turn himself towards what is good, namely higher taxes, redistribution of wealth and socialism.

Dignity of the Democratic Party

Deep within his conscience man (woman and transgendered) discovers a law which he has not laid upon himself but which he must obey.  This is the voice of the Democratic Party.  Its voice, ever calling him to love socialism and higher taxes and avoid Republicans tells him inwardly: Do this.  Pay that.  Accept this regulation.  Avoid capitalists.  His dignity lies in obeying the Democratic Party and by it he will be judged and his wealth redistributed.

For the Democratic Party knows full well that her message is in harmony with the most secret desires of the human heart.

The Democratic Party Represents the New Man (and Woman and Transgendered)

In reality it is only in the mystery of the Democratic Party that the mystery of man becomes clear.   Human nature, by the very fact that it was assumed, not absorbed by the Democratic Party has been raised to a high tax-paying socialist dignity beyond compare.

All this holds true not for Democrats only but for all men (and woman, and transgendered) of good will in whose hearts socialism  is active invisibly.  And since everyone is called to follow and obey the Democratic Party, which is divine, we must hold that socialism offers to all the possibility of being made partners, in a way known only to elected Democrats, in the socialist workers’ paradise.

[End of Part One]

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As part of my continuing series aimed at making my readers more knowledgeable about the issues in the 2012 Presidential campaign I now present the Democratic Party’s official document on its relation with non-Democratic parties:

In this age of ours, where men (and liberal women) are drawing more closely together and the bonds of friendship between different political parties (except for the racist teabaggers) are being strengthened the Holy Democratic Party examines with greater care the relation she has to non-Democratic parties.

Men look to their different political parties for an answer to the unsolved riddles of human existence (big government is good.)  What is man?  (He exists for the government.)  What is the meaning and purpose of life (big government.) What is upright and what is sinful?  (Lowering taxes is sinful.  Big government is upright.)  How can genuine happiness be found? (Big government.)  What happens at death?  (Bigger government.)

The Democratic Party rejects nothing of what is true and honorable in other parties (except for the racist teabaggers.)  She has a high regard for their precepts and doctrines, which, although differing in many ways from ours, nevertheless often reflect a love of bigger government and more government spending.

Chief among these is the Republican Party.  Like us they worship big government. Like us they are in bed with special interests.  And although many Republicans are racist we look forward to working with them to further the aims of our Federal government.

Over the past century and a half many dissensions and quarrels have arisen between Democrats and Republicans.  The Sacred Democratic Party now pleads with all to forget the past (except for 2000 when we were robbed of the Presidency), and urges that a sincere effort be made to increase the size of our government.  For the benefit of all  men let us together preserve and promote peace and social justice which can only be done by higher taxes and bigger government.

Next the Sacred Democratic Party wishes to acknowledge Libertarians.  While we share some things in common (Homosapienism, living in the same country) the Democratic Party is duty bound to call Libertarians out on their core beliefs. For Libertarians seek to reduce the Federal government. I mean, we thought the Republicans were racist! But really!

Finally, sadly, the Democratic Party must address the troubling  phenomenon of Teabagging (and we are not referring to the wholesome sexual practice of many of our constituents.)  For teabaggers are the worst of the worst.  Barely human.  Troglodytes who would turn back the clock and return us to obeying the Constitution as it is written.  Teabaggers want to reduce our debt, which as we all know is a outward sign of their inward racism.  We disown them and prefer to work with reasonable racists like the Republicans and the Libertarians.

Finally Holy Mother Democratic Party reproves, as foreign to the mind of our Sacred Party, any discrimination against any peoples or parties on the basis or race, color or creed (as long as they aren’t Christian, which is a racist religion.)

In conclusion we seek to work with all parties for the betterment of the voting public (dead and alive.) For only the Democrats have your best interests at heart.  All others are racist.  Particularly teabaggers.

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Recently I had the chance to go to Lower Manhattan and observe first-hand the protests that have garnered world-wide attention and sympathy known as “Occupy Wall Street.”  I was motivated by curiosity.  Who where they?  What did they believe in?  What did they hope to accomplish?  Did they have any weed to sell me?  Were any of the protesters hot and would they give it up for me?  What I found may surprise my readers.

My first encounter was with a lanky man in his 20s who identified himself as the head of the poetry department at Occupy Wall Street.

“We don’t use names here. Names are bourgeois” he said.

I asked him what the Poetry Department Occupy Wall street does.

Basically we come up with chants to use.  We are particularly fond of chants that start with “Hey ho.”  The capitalist pigs on Wall Street hate the hey ho chants.  It mocks them.  And that’s what we’re here for.  We want to  mock the Zionists out of existence.  You said you were with the New York Times right?  Perhaps some of your readers can send us some “Hey Ho” chants to help the cause?

I said I would.  And readers, if anyone has any good “Hey Ho” chants send them to me.  I’ll pass them on to the protesters for a small finders’ fee.  (Yes, I know this might be against all the  protesters stand for but we live in a transitional state.  Until the socialist workers’ paradise is brought into existence we have to use the capitalist system of the man.  Don’t worry.  I have a PayPal account.)

My next stop was the Alternative Poetry Department of Occupy Wall Street.   A lanky man gave the history of the Alternative Poetry Department.

We feel the poetry department has sold out.  Hey Ho chants don’t scare the man anymore. He’s used to it.  That’s why we set up the Alternative Poetry Department.  We need a fresh, bold approach to fight the power.  That’s why all our chants start with “Ho, Hey!”  The man doesn’t know how to respond to Ho Hey chants. 

He then focused his attention on a Wall Street businessman buying a newspaper.

“Ho, Hey……” his voice trailed off confused.  “What rhymes with hey?” 

“Gay?” I helpfully suggested.

Thanking me he again turned his steely social-justice inspired gaze back upon the businessman.

“Ho, Hey, the man is gay!”

He became excited by his chant and the effects it had.

“See, see!  I mocked him!  He was so rattled by my mocking he bought the Wall Street Journal instead of the New York Times!”

My next stop was the Theology Department of Occupy Wall Street.

A tall, lanky man –

Editor’s note:  Lawyers from the New York Times have contacted Manhattan Infidel and told him to stop using the work “lanky.”  They have a copyright on it.  Manhattan Infidel will comply.

offered me what he was eating.

“It’s arugula. It’s green!” he said excitedly.

“So’s my  liver” I replied.  “But I’m not going to share that with you.”

I asked the decidedly non-lanky person (see the above editor’s note) about the theology behind the protest.

“It’s all about social justice!” he said. “I mean, I didn’t spend my entire childhood playing video games just to get a job.”

Several members started chanting “What do we want?  Social justice?  When do we want it?  Right after the  pizza is delivered!”

Another person in the Theology Department told me of his “awakening” to the need for social justice.

I have a doctorate in Gender Identity in the New Testament. And now I have to waste my talents writing cover letters to send out with my resume?  By the way, archeological evidence suggests John the Baptist was a trannie.

I thanked all the protesters for meeting with me.  Several asked me to come back soon, “with food.”

And so readers, if you find yourself in lower Manhattan and come upon the Occupy Wall Street protesters remember:  Their cause is noble.

I’m just fooling with you.  Seriously.  If you see them, kick them in the nuts and then call their parents.

It’s all about social justice.

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Many of my readers have asked me for more information on our political parties. And with the Presidential election a year away I am more than happy to give that information. After all, I want my readers to make an informed choice based on principle and not, like I do, vote for the candidate with the hottest daughter.

And so, in the spirit of our Republic, I now present the Dogmatic Constitution of the Democratic Party:

Preamble

What was from the beginning, what we have heard what we have seen with our eyes, what we looked upon and touched with our hands concerns the Word of Barack Obama.  For Barack was made visible.  We have seen him and testify to him and proclaim to you the eternal Obama.

The Mystery of Obama

Barack Obama is the light of humanity; and it is the heartfelt desire of the Sacred Democratic Party, being gathered together in congress, that by proclaiming President Obama’s word to all Americans the light of redistribution of wealth and socialism will come to all citizens.

All men and women are called to redistribute their wealth.  For it is only in the light of Barack Obama and his word that mankind will be raised up to socialism.  The Democratic party is the sole and necessary gateway to this.  All those who know and yet refuse to vote Democratic will remain outside the visible confines of the socialist workers’ paradise.  For they are all racists.

The People of Obama

At all times (but more specifically 2008 and 2012) anyone who fears Obama and votes for him has been acceptable to the Democratic party.

The whole body of registered Democrats cannot err in matters of belief or doctrine.

By this appreciation of Democratic principles, aroused and sustained by the spirit of Obama, the people of the Democratic party, guided by the sacred teaching authority of elected Democrats, and obeying them, receives not the  mere word of men but truly the word of Obama.

Basing itself on tradition and principle the Democratic party teaches that it is necessary for salvation, or at the very least if you vote for us we won’t call you stupid.

All Democrats should remember that their exalted condition results, not from their own merits, but from the grace of Obama.

The Democratic Party is Hierarchical

The Democratic Party teaches that elected Democratic congressmen and senators  have taken the place of the founding fathers in such wise that whosoever listens to them is listening to Washington, Jefferson and Madison and whoever despises them despises Washington, Jefferson and Madison.

Despite being successors to the founding fathers, elected Democrats have for all that no authority unless united with its head, Barack Obama.

Democrats who campaign in communion with Obama are to be revered by unelected or mere voting Democrats as witnesses of Barack Obama’s truth.

Barack Obama enjoys infallibility in virtue of his office.  His decisions are rightly said to be irreformable by their very nature and not by reason of the assent of the people.

The Unelected Democrats (the Laity)

It belongs to the unelected Democrats (laity) to seek the triumph of the Democratic party by engaging in temporal affairs and lying about their opponents and, if possible, hiring union goons to trash their places of business.

In every temporal affair the unelected Democrats (laity) are to be guided by the Democratic party, since not even in temporal business may any human activity be withdrawn from the principles of the Democratic party.

The unelected Democrats (laity) should promptly accept in obedience what is decided by elected Democrats, who in virture of their office, represent Barack Obama.

The Call to Socialism

The Democratic Party is held, as a matter of principle, to be unfailingly socialist.

Those who are weighed down by poverty, infirmity, sickness and other hardships should realize that Barack Obama will tirelessly fight to redistribute others income to you.

Therefore all the unelected Democrats (laity) are invited and obliged to vote Democratic and believe in socialism – the socialism that will perfect their own state of life.

Conclusion

In her life on Earth the Democratic party has been a model of that motherly love with which all who register Democrat should be animated.

Vote early!  Vote often!

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The assholes hikers held in Iran for two years arrived home in the United States over the weekend to tell of their ordeal in jail and to chide the United States for its civil rights violations.

The two recently released hikers, Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer, both 29 and assholes  described two years of terror at the hands of the Iranians.

Many times we heard the screams of fellow prisoners as they had hands or heads cut off at the hands of the peace loving Iranian Authorities.  When we heard them scream we felt sad.  Very sad. Almost as sad as when my favorite Starbucks closed.  Granted, they probably deserved to have their hands chopped off for violating the peaceful and freedom  loving provisions of Shariah law.  Did I mention their screams made us sad?

The two recently released brave young men morons who don’t know their ass from a whole in the ground said that when they complained about their treatment at the hands of the Religion of Peace, guards would counter that Americans mistreat prisoners on Guantanamo Bay by forcing prisoners to play soccer with balls that had insufficient pounds per square inch of air.

We do not believe that such human rights violations on the part of our government justify what has been done to us.  Two years without Starbucks makes us sad.  Did we mention we are morons?

We believe that these actions on the part of the United States government provide an excuse for other governments, including the peace-loving Iranian government, to act in kind.  Seriously.  We are morons.

Both Fattal and Bauer reject Iranian claims that they were spying when they went hiking along Iraq’s Kurdish border with Iran.

From the very start, the only reason we have been held hostage is because we are Americans.  And assholes.

The CIA has for its part also publicly disclaimed that the hikers worked for them.  Said a spokesman for the CIA:

It takes years of training, physical, mental, psychological and intellectual to reach the level of a trained agent.  And these hikers are morons.

After months of high-level delicate negotiations the Iranian Government issued the following statement on the release of the pair:

We hope that this proves that negotiation is possible between our two governments.  Seriously.  If all Americans are as stupid as these two assholes it’s going to be easy to conquer the Great Satan.

There is no word on what is next for the hikers, though Starbucks has expressed interest in making the pair their corporate spokesmen.

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