The assholes hikers held in Iran for two years arrived home in the United States over the weekend to tell of their ordeal in jail and to chide the United States for its civil rights violations.

The two recently released hikers, Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer, both 29 and assholes  described two years of terror at the hands of the Iranians.

Many times we heard the screams of fellow prisoners as they had hands or heads cut off at the hands of the peace loving Iranian Authorities.  When we heard them scream we felt sad.  Very sad. Almost as sad as when my favorite Starbucks closed.  Granted, they probably deserved to have their hands chopped off for violating the peaceful and freedom  loving provisions of Shariah law.  Did I mention their screams made us sad?

The two recently released brave young men morons who don’t know their ass from a whole in the ground said that when they complained about their treatment at the hands of the Religion of Peace, guards would counter that Americans mistreat prisoners on Guantanamo Bay by forcing prisoners to play soccer with balls that had insufficient pounds per square inch of air.

We do not believe that such human rights violations on the part of our government justify what has been done to us.  Two years without Starbucks makes us sad.  Did we mention we are morons?

We believe that these actions on the part of the United States government provide an excuse for other governments, including the peace-loving Iranian government, to act in kind.  Seriously.  We are morons.

Both Fattal and Bauer reject Iranian claims that they were spying when they went hiking along Iraq’s Kurdish border with Iran.

From the very start, the only reason we have been held hostage is because we are Americans.  And assholes.

The CIA has for its part also publicly disclaimed that the hikers worked for them.  Said a spokesman for the CIA:

It takes years of training, physical, mental, psychological and intellectual to reach the level of a trained agent.  And these hikers are morons.

After months of high-level delicate negotiations the Iranian Government issued the following statement on the release of the pair:

We hope that this proves that negotiation is possible between our two governments.  Seriously.  If all Americans are as stupid as these two assholes it’s going to be easy to conquer the Great Satan.

There is no word on what is next for the hikers, though Starbucks has expressed interest in making the pair their corporate spokesmen.

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