Once inseparable the three little pigs now won’t speak to each other, victims of income inequality.

The three pigs upon reaching maturity were sent out into the world by their mother to “seek their fortune.”

The first pig was not very successful.

“I’ve never been very good at business” he admitted in the deposition.  “I’m a dreamer.”

Without good job prospects he took advantage of a sub prime mortgage and built his house out of the cheapest building material he could find:  straw.

His house was modest and he was “Poor but proud.  And I had an iPad.”

All was well until a big bad wolf, or as the pig refers to him, “some Jew banker” came along and with a huff and a puff blew his house down.  “Just because I was behind on the mortgage payments.”

Now homeless his life descended into a hell of drug addiction.  The final blow to his dignity coming when he sold his beloved iPad to feed his crack addiction.

The second pig was a little more successful and was able to build his house out of sticks.

“Not bad for a midlevel manager” he maintained.

Still the housing and credit crisis of 2008 hit him hard.  He lost his job and was unable to make payments on his house of sticks.  Soon a big bad wolf, “from some Jew-owned bank probably” came and blew his house down.

Also reduced to homelessness he took to robbery to pay for his new iPad and give himself food money.

Unlike his two brothers the third little pig was very successful. Obtaining a well-paying job and watching his debt he was able to build his house out of bricks.  When the market collapsed in 2008 he was able to survive, albeit by the hair of his “chinny chin chin.”

Successfully refinancing he is now actually ahead on his payments and looks forward to paying off his mortgage sooner than expected.

Then the trouble began.

Upon hearing of his success his two brothers sued.  They are asking that the third little pig share his wealth and “rightfully redistribute to us what should be ours.”

“It’s only fair” said the little pig who build his house out of straw.  “I mean, why should he have more than we do?  He may be my brother but he represents the 1%. ”

The pig who built his house of out sticks added that “I blame my mother.  She should never have sent us out into the world.  Competition is bourgeois.  We were happy at home.  So it’s her fault too.  And the big bad wolf banker of course.”

The lawyer for the little pig who built his house out of brick has stated that the lawsuit if “frivolous” and looks forward to vindicating his client.

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Editor’s note:  The following excerpts are from the Penn State 2011-2012 student handbook.

From the Desk of Rodney A. Erickson, President of Penn State.

Hello students!

Welcome to Penn State.  You have made the correct choice in coming to this college.  Among Penn State’s core values are integrity, commitment to excellence, athletic achievement and not reporting serious crimes to the police.

As a student at Penn State you will be thrust into new situations.  You will meet new people.  You will be put into new positions.

This is totally normal.

And while most of your encounters will be consensual and long-lasting unfortunately this might not always be the case.  If you see a violent crime being committed, for the good of the University, please follow these steps:

1.  Do not report the crime.  What good will come of this?  It would only needlessly embarrass the University in its fund-raising efforts.

2.  Leave the scene immediately.  Do  not attempt to help the victim.  This will only hurt the victim.

3.  Contemplate the crime for 24 hours.   After leaving the scene call your father.  After you call your father spend the next 24 hours in contemplation.  Ask yourself, “How do I feel about this crime? Will reporting it help or hurt the cause of social justice?  Will reporting the crime help stop global warming?”  If the answer is no and reporting the crime will not help prevent man-caused climate change then there is no reason to report it.  You have done your duty to your conscience by contemplating the incident.  Hopefully the incident will just go away.

We here at Penn State are proud to support many noteworthy charities, such as the Second Mile Foundation, started by erstwhile defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky. 

You many notice many children going into the showers at the Penn State Athletic facilities.  This is totally normal.  Children love to be around naked adults.  So if you happen to walk into the shower one day and see a 60-year old man pinning a 10-year old boy up against the shower wall do not worry about it.  Most of all, as stated above, DO NOT REPORT THE INCIDENT.

Penn State has many enemies:  Michigan State, Ohio State, Nebraska, Wisconsin, Michigan.

Reporting the crime will only comfort them.

We are……Penn State!

Rodney A. Erickson, President, Penn State.

(517)

In my relentless quest to provide my readers with the latest in culture I now give you my review of Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “J. Edgar”, the biography of seminal FBI director J. Edgar Hoover.

Eastwood bravely does not avoid the issue of Hoover’s sexuality but tackles it head on.  In this scene early in the movie Hoover, played by Leonardo DiCaprio informs his mother that he has been appointed Director of the FBI:

Hoover:  Mother!  Mother!  Great news!  I’ve been appointed director of the FBI!

His Mother:  Oh son I’m so proud of you!

Hoover:  Thanks mom. I love you.

Now this scene clearly shows that Hoover is gay since only homosexuals love their mother.

While not ignoring his role in building up the FBI the movie is mainly a story of the relationship between Hoover and his trusted aide Clyde Tolsen.  While not specifically mentioning their physical relationship this scene hints strongly at its sexual nature:

Tolsen:  Director Hoover the Japanese have bombed Pearl Harbor!

Hoover:  Oh my god!  I don’t know what to say.  I’m shocked!

Why was Hoover so distressed by the bombing?  Perhaps he was concerned that America was not ready to fight a World War.  Or maybe he was just gay.

Indeed one can say that J. Edgar is Hollywood’s greatest homosexual love story since the industry explored the manly, hirsute love between Robert Redford and Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969).   No wait.  I’m sorry.  I was thinking of Can’t Stop the Music starring Bruce Jenner, Valerie Perrine and the Village People (1980).  I always get those movies mixed up.

It can be said that this entertaining movie definitively proves once and for all that J. Edgar Hoover was a homosexual.  It is Hollywood’s greatest feat of investigative journalism since they proved that Abe Lincoln was gay in this controversial deleted scene from How the West was Won (1962) involving Lincoln and his first Vice President Hannibal Hamlin.

Lincoln:  Four score and seven years……dammit I’m never going to be able to write this speech.

Hamlin:  Maybe you’re just tense.  Why don’t you relax and take your shirt off.

Lincoln:  Okay (taking off shirt.)

Hamlin: My Abe, your manly and hirsute.

Lincoln:  Well I’ve been working out.

Hamlin:  I wish I could quit you Abe.  Maybe one day we can show our love in public.

Lincoln:  Maybe. One day.  When the intolerant Republicans are not in control of Capitol Hill.

Hamlin:  But we are Republicans.

Lincoln:  That’s right.  I forget sometimes. Oh yeah.  I like that.  A little to the left please.

I was lucky enough to snag an exclusive interview with director Eastwood via the miracle of web cam technology:

MI:  Mr. Eastwood it’s great to have the opportunity to speak with you.

Eastwood:  How you get my webcam ID?

MI:  I’ve spent a lot of time in prison.

Eastwood:  Okay I guess that makes – what?  What the hell does that mean.

MI:  I’d like to talk to you about J. Edgar.

Eastwood:  Sure.  But first can you take your shirt off?

MI:  Okay (taking shirt off.)

Eastwood:  You’re very manly and hirsute.

MI:  Well, I’ve been working out.

And so readers I highly recommend this entertaining and informative movie.  Go see it the first chance you can.  Only a homosexual would avoid watching it.  And that’s a fact.

(806)

Dateline:  Huddled in a subway tunnel in New York City.

In the week since the shocking announcement that Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from Kris Humphries after 72 days society, as we know it, has broken down.

As I lay huddled in this subway with other brave New Yorkers I can feel the bombs dropping overhead.  I pray for those caught in the rain of death from the air.

Since the outbreak of hostilities 300 million  have died around the globe.  Europe is one giant radioactive cloud.  The last contact from Europe was a Twitter message from Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi:  “Doom!  Doom!  Where is my Cialis?”

The rise of the Kardashian-bots started on the west coast when fembots, shooting laser beams from their titanium-encased nipples took over California after a brief struggle.

The last poignant message from that doomed state came from Charlie Sheen:  “Fembots!  Fembots!  Oh, cool.  Hi ladies.”

The chaos soon spread eastward.  NASA’s headquarters in Houston was destroyed by the fembots.  Satellites soon fell to the Earth, killing millions and offending Muslims who counted on NASA to boost their self-esteem.

Then  Philadelphia fell as the fembots poisoned the local cheesesteak supply.

Traveling up New Jersey to New York City there was a brief moment of optimism that the fembot attack could be stopped when the deadly fembot caravan got caught in a multicar pileup on the New Jersey Turnpike.  But the fembots soon recovered and entered New York City.

At first the city welcomed them.  Mayor Bloomberg asked the fembots if they would like to march in the Village Halloween Parade and warned them not to smoke in public.

But soon the fembots turned on New York City, taking over the TV stations.  This message was sent out on all channels:

Attention world leaders.  We are the fembots.  Your world order, as you knew it, is now over.   And can anyone tell me where we can find some parking spaces in Manhattan?  So, to recap:  World order is over.  Where are the parking spaces.  Thank you.

And then the fembot air force started bombing us.  As I lie in this subway tunnel I ask myself:  How could we have been so naive?  How did we not know that the Kardashian divorce announcement was the signal for the rise of the fembots?  How did we not know that Kardashian herself was a fembot?

We owe it to the survivors of this holocaust, we owe it to our children to never let this happen again.

If anyone on the outside is reading this know that you are now the resistance.

Good luck.

The fembots have entered the subway tunnel!

Signing out (for the last time)

Manhattan Infidel

(1413)

In any business adapt or die is the motto.  Businesses must change their services, indeed, even their very reason for being if they are to stay in business.  The fast food industry is no different.  Recently I visited a McDonalds and had a chance to witness first hand the excitement of hope and change.

Greeting me at the entrance to the restaurant was Ronald McDonald himself, who was wearing a button that said “Eat green kids.  It’s healthy!”

MI:  Hello Ronald.  It’s nice to meet you.

RM:  Hello!  Look at my button.  It’s time to eat green!

MI:  Let’s talk about that.  I notice your menu has a lot of new green items on it.  Arugula Quarter pounder. Arugula Big Mac. Belgian Endive McNuggets.

RM:  Green is good!  Green is healthy!  And the kids love it!

MI:   Really? I remind you I am a blogger so you are obligated to tell the truth.

RM:  Alright. You got me.  [Whispering]  Truth is the kids hate the crap.  So do I.  But if I didn’t greenify my menu the Feds were going to shut me down.  Crimes against children.  A cholesterol bandit they called me.  Me?  Ronald McDonald.  I love kids. Remember the good old days when a parent could take his kid to a McDonalds without the government interfering?  It was a treat.  No one got hurt.

MI:  How is the new green menu selling?

RM:  Not good.  No one, apparently, likes Belgian Endive McNuggets. [Shouting]  Like I could have told the government that!

MI:  Please.  Don’t raise your voice.

RM:  I’m sorry. But I’m losing my livelihood. Watch this.  Hey kid, do you want an Arugula Big Mac?

Kid:  Ewww.  Arugula tastes like sick stuff like when my little brother threw up on me.

RM:  You see!  You see!  It’s just that I don’t understand the world anymore. It’s bad enough that I have naked men walking into McDonald’s in San Francisco.  Do you know how awkward it is to tell a six-year old that the naked man’s pee-pee isn’t an Belgian Endive McNugget? When did I become a biology teacher?  Why do I have to tell kids about penises?

MI:  Wow.  I never knew this was going to be so tough on you.  Have you talked to your competitors? How are they faring?  How’s Burger King doing?

RM:  Burger King?  He’s got problems of his own.  Civil war you know  Been deposed.  Last I saw he was hanging out at a Wendy’s looking for asylum.

MI:  Jesus.

RM:  I know.  Hey, what time is it?

MI:  It’s a little after 11 AM.

RM:  Good.  The bars are open.  Let’s grab a few pints.

MI:  Sounds like a good idea.  Maybe a burger too?

RM:  As long as it’s not green. [laughter]

And so ended my visit to a McDonalds.   Readers. next time you visit a McDonalds try the green stuff.  Let’s keep him in business. And if you happen to see the Burger King let him know that what happened to Kaddafi will happen to him as well.

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