In my relentless quest to provide my readers with the latest in culture I now give you my review of Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “J. Edgar”, the biography of seminal FBI director J. Edgar Hoover.

Eastwood bravely does not avoid the issue of Hoover’s sexuality but tackles it head on.  In this scene early in the movie Hoover, played by Leonardo DiCaprio informs his mother that he has been appointed Director of the FBI:

Hoover:  Mother!  Mother!  Great news!  I’ve been appointed director of the FBI!

His Mother:  Oh son I’m so proud of you!

Hoover:  Thanks mom. I love you.

Now this scene clearly shows that Hoover is gay since only homosexuals love their mother.

While not ignoring his role in building up the FBI the movie is mainly a story of the relationship between Hoover and his trusted aide Clyde Tolsen.  While not specifically mentioning their physical relationship this scene hints strongly at its sexual nature:

Tolsen:  Director Hoover the Japanese have bombed Pearl Harbor!

Hoover:  Oh my god!  I don’t know what to say.  I’m shocked!

Why was Hoover so distressed by the bombing?  Perhaps he was concerned that America was not ready to fight a World War.  Or maybe he was just gay.

Indeed one can say that J. Edgar is Hollywood’s greatest homosexual love story since the industry explored the manly, hirsute love between Robert Redford and Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969).   No wait.  I’m sorry.  I was thinking of Can’t Stop the Music starring Bruce Jenner, Valerie Perrine and the Village People (1980).  I always get those movies mixed up.

It can be said that this entertaining movie definitively proves once and for all that J. Edgar Hoover was a homosexual.  It is Hollywood’s greatest feat of investigative journalism since they proved that Abe Lincoln was gay in this controversial deleted scene from How the West was Won (1962) involving Lincoln and his first Vice President Hannibal Hamlin.

Lincoln:  Four score and seven years……dammit I’m never going to be able to write this speech.

Hamlin:  Maybe you’re just tense.  Why don’t you relax and take your shirt off.

Lincoln:  Okay (taking off shirt.)

Hamlin: My Abe, your manly and hirsute.

Lincoln:  Well I’ve been working out.

Hamlin:  I wish I could quit you Abe.  Maybe one day we can show our love in public.

Lincoln:  Maybe. One day.  When the intolerant Republicans are not in control of Capitol Hill.

Hamlin:  But we are Republicans.

Lincoln:  That’s right.  I forget sometimes. Oh yeah.  I like that.  A little to the left please.

I was lucky enough to snag an exclusive interview with director Eastwood via the miracle of web cam technology:

MI:  Mr. Eastwood it’s great to have the opportunity to speak with you.

Eastwood:  How you get my webcam ID?

MI:  I’ve spent a lot of time in prison.

Eastwood:  Okay I guess that makes – what?  What the hell does that mean.

MI:  I’d like to talk to you about J. Edgar.

Eastwood:  Sure.  But first can you take your shirt off?

MI:  Okay (taking shirt off.)

Eastwood:  You’re very manly and hirsute.

MI:  Well, I’ve been working out.

And so readers I highly recommend this entertaining and informative movie.  Go see it the first chance you can.  Only a homosexual would avoid watching it.  And that’s a fact.

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