Dateline lower Manhattan, September 2026.

The worldwide movement known as “Occupy Wall Street” celebrated its 15th anniversary today with hugs, smiles and a free concert by David Crosby and Graham Nash.

The festivities got underway just after 9 AM when the Executive Committee of Occupy Wall Street, which has expertly handled and invested the estimated $40,000,000 in donations arrived in their limos.

Editor’s note:  The Executive Committee of Occupy Wall Street moved out of Zuccotti Park in early 2012 because of safety concerns.

“We handle lots of money” said an Executive Committee member.  “And there’s lots of homeless in the area.  They don’t deserve our money.”

Committee members then moved amongst the enlisted ranks of Occupy Wall Street handing out money to the occupiers.  In return for the money the occupiers must sign a statement saying that they agree to abide by the terms of the Executive Committee and repay the loan at 8.5% interest.

After the money had been distributed the first person born during the occupation, dubbed “Occupy 11” stood up to applause.

Editor’s  note:  Occupy 1 through 10 were the result of rapes committed in Zuccotti park and hence were aborted.

The Supreme Leader of Occupy Wall Street then spoke:

Comrades, look around you.  When we arrived here 15 years ago this park and its surrounding area were bustling with activity.  The criminal activity of capitalists [boos from the occupiers].  Capitalists worked here [more boos from occupiers].  But look at this place now!  No activity whatsoever!  We have driven out the moneychangers and replaced it with art.    Our entire occupation is art.  Look at our sculptures –

Editor’s note:  The Supreme Leader is referring to the four-story tall calcified mounds of excrement that surround Zuccotti park.

– These sculptures stand for us.  They represent us!  They represent what we have symbolically and in many cases literally done to the capitalists.  We fling our poo in their direction! We are the resistance!  Occupy!  Occupy!  Occupy!

When the Supreme Leader had finished speaking it was time for the highlight of the festivities.  David Crosby and Graham Nash were wheeled into the park to regale the occupiers with protest songs.  Many in the crowd had tears in their eyes as Crosby and Nash, now in their mid 80s, battled the elements and their bladders to sing.

One morning/I woke up/and I couldn’t remember who the hell I was/Carry on/a bowel movement is coming/a bowel movement is coming to us all!

The crowd sang along, lifted up by the sentiment and paid little attention when Crosby and Nash stopped singing so they could receive their medication.

After the concert was over the Executive Committee got back into their limos but not before promising the occupiers that they will return for the 25th anniversary.

“Unless Bono invites us to his mansion of course.”

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