The salacious trial of Captain James T. Kirk of Star Fleet enters its third week with more bombshell testimony depicting an out of control ship with an officer corp that was, to put it mildly, unfit for duty.

“Everybody on board the ship was drunk all the time” said an enlisted man testifying at Kirk’s trial.  “Captain Kirk himself would often wander the corridors drinking.  He wasn’t even trying to hide it.  What sort of example did that set?”

On one notorious occasion dubbed “Spank that!”, a drunk Kirk attacked Yeoman Rand and raped her.  Rand dropped the charges when her quarters were upgraded and she was promoted.

And when Kirk wasn’t drunk or raping a yeoman he was self-medicating with powerful horse tranquilizers that left him catatonic for hours.

There was also a strong counter-cultural element on board the Enterprise, giving the ship the nickname the S.S. Hippie throughout Star Fleet.  Space aliens who had “tuned in, turned on and dropped out” made the Enterprise their home. Singing protests songs and preaching peace they severely retarded morale.

“We all hated them” said a crewman.  “Smelly dirty hippies.  They kept taunting me and calling me ‘Herbert’ whatever the hell that meant.”

Infected with their pacifism many of the crew took to neglecting their duties and scribbling graffiti on the walls.

First Officer Spock was the most disturbed by the graffiti.

“He didn’t understand pacifism.  He just didn’t think it was logical.  He was often complaining about what idiots Humans were.”

And, of course, with the crew infected by peace, love and rock and roll poor Yeoman Rand got the worst of it.

“It’s bad enough the Captain raped her but it got to the point where she couldn’t even roam the halls anymore.  Well, to be fair she was the only blond on the ship and everyone wanted to hit that.”

And where was the only man who could turn the ship around and restore morale?  Where was Captain Kirk during all of this?

Hanging out by the public baths, holding alien sex toys and looking for action.

Kirk maintains all charges are false and says he can’t wait to take the stand to prove his innocence.

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