Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll: More Revelations at Captain Kirk’s Trial

I’m Captain James T. Kirk and I’m all manThe salacious trial of Captain James T. Kirk of Star Fleet enters its third week with more bombshell testimony depicting an out of control ship with an officer corp that was, to put it mildly, unfit for duty.

“Everybody on board the ship was drunk all the time” said an enlisted man testifying at Kirk’s trial.  “Captain Kirk himself would often wander the corridors drinking.  He wasn’t even trying to hide it.  What sort of example did that set?”

Screw responsibility I’m getting plowed

This shit is good

On one notorious occasion dubbed “Spank that!”, a drunk Kirk attacked Yeoman Rand and raped her.  Rand dropped the charges when her quarters were upgraded and she was promoted.

I’m the captain. You can’t say no!

You’re gonna take it all and like it

Come over here!  You know you want it you f#$#(* tease!

And when Kirk wasn’t drunk or raping a yeoman he was self-medicating with powerful horse tranquilizers that left him catatonic for hours.

I love drugs!

There was also a strong counter-cultural element on board the Enterprise, giving the ship the nickname the S.S. Hippie throughout Star Fleet.  Space aliens who had “tuned in, turned on and dropped out” made the Enterprise their home. Singing protests songs and preaching peace they severely retarded morale.

“We all hated them” said a crewman.  “Smelly dirty hippies.  They kept taunting me and calling me ‘Herbert’ whatever the hell that meant.”

Groovy baby!  Groovy!

A groovy jam session!

Infected with their pacifism many of the crew took to neglecting their duties and scribbling graffiti on the walls.

Duty?  Screw that I’m an artist!


First Officer Spock was the most disturbed by the graffiti.

“He didn’t understand pacifism.  He just didn’t think it was logical.  He was often complaining about what idiots Humans were.”


And, of course, with the crew infected by peace, love and rock and roll poor Yeoman Rand got the worst of it.

“It’s bad enough the Captain raped her but it got to the point where she couldn’t even roam the halls anymore.  Well, to be fair she was the only blond on the ship and everyone wanted to hit that.”

the wages of blondness

And where was the only man who could turn the ship around and restore morale?  Where was Captain Kirk during all of this?

Hanging out by the public baths, holding alien sex toys and looking for action.

I’m looking for a little fun boys

Kirk maintains all charges are false and says he can’t wait to take the stand to prove his innocence.


7 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    If one decides that being molested is a deal breaker, then maybe one should not go to Penn State join Star Fleet.

  2. Spock was right. We humans are idiots. How we ever reached the top of the food chain is beyond me.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: This just in: Captain Kirk claims that anything that happened in a shower on board the Enterprise was nothing more than “horse play.”

    Jim: Any human who thinks they are the top of the food chain has never met a pit bull.

  4. Matt says:

    Did he ever explain the showering with boys? Who knew, and how far did it go?

  5. MK says:

    Where do you get the pics to go along with the photos, they’re so appropriate, it’s like it really did happen.

  6. How in the world did that last prop get by NBC’s censors? They must be the same people running the FEC today.

    “Because the Only Good Progressive is a Failed Progressive”

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    matt: apparently they let their higher ups know so legally they are in the clear.


    LAS: Maybe the censors were drinking Romulan Ale (which technically is more of a lager.)

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