Welcome to Penn State!

Take it all bitch!Editor’s note:  The following excerpts are from the Penn State 2011-2012 student handbook.

From the Desk of Rodney A. Erickson, President of Penn State.

Hello students!

Welcome to Penn State.  You have made the correct choice in coming to this college.  Among Penn State’s core values are integrity, commitment to excellence, athletic achievement and not reporting serious crimes to the police.

As a student at Penn State you will be thrust into new situations.  You will meet new people.  You will be put into new positions.

This is totally normal.

And while most of your encounters will be consensual and long-lasting unfortunately this might not always be the case.  If you see a violent crime being committed, for the good of the University, please follow these steps:

1.  Do not report the crime.  What good will come of this?  It would only needlessly embarrass the University in its fund-raising efforts.

2.  Leave the scene immediately.  Do  not attempt to help the victim.  This will only hurt the victim.

3.  Contemplate the crime for 24 hours.   After leaving the scene call your father.  After you call your father spend the next 24 hours in contemplation.  Ask yourself, “How do I feel about this crime? Will reporting it help or hurt the cause of social justice?  Will reporting the crime help stop global warming?”  If the answer is no and reporting the crime will not help prevent man-caused climate change then there is no reason to report it.  You have done your duty to your conscience by contemplating the incident.  Hopefully the incident will just go away.

We here at Penn State are proud to support many noteworthy charities, such as the Second Mile Foundation, started by erstwhile defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky. 

You many notice many children going into the showers at the Penn State Athletic facilities.  This is totally normal.  Children love to be around naked adults.  So if you happen to walk into the shower one day and see a 60-year old man pinning a 10-year old boy up against the shower wall do not worry about it.  Most of all, as stated above, DO NOT REPORT THE INCIDENT.

Penn State has many enemies:  Michigan State, Ohio State, Nebraska, Wisconsin, Michigan.

Reporting the crime will only comfort them.

We are……Penn State!

Rodney A. Erickson, President, Penn State.


6 Responses

  1. Rodney Erickson is a moral paragon for our age.

    Also, do not report the incident.

  2. Penn State gives a whole new meaning to “taking one for the team”.

  3. Chakam says:

    I cannot jest about this one. Not that I think you, Infidel, are insensitive for doing so, no. Your sarcasm strikes home as to the crux of this issue.

    I do, however, think about the kids whose lives have been shattered because of the touch of an older man whom perhaps they trusted and esteemed. If indeed he is found guilty, I highly recommend his balls be removed and then fried in olive oil and some garlic. He can eat them as he apologizes publicly to all those whose innocence he has stolen.

    Then I would tattoo a “P” on his forehead and release him to the world. Let society handle this.

  4. Matt says:

    Following this fine PSU tradition, I will not report this post for telling me to not report crimes. Then, others will have to avoid reporting me due to not reporting others.

    Or, the entire process will create a paradox, and destroy the universe. But as long as it doesn’t interfere with fundraising…

  5. Chakam says:

    Matt, change your link on your name. It goes to the old site.

  6. MK says:

    If it weren’t so sick, it’d be funny.

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