Kirk’s Trial Continues

I’m Captain James T. Kirk and I’m all manThe trial of Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise continues at Star Fleet Headquarters.  Billed as the “Trial of the Century” each day leads to further revelations as to life on board the Enterprise that were, to  put it mildly, not in keeping with Star Fleet discipline.

For starters, it seems that security on the ship was lax.

“Knife fights were a constant problem” said a crewman at the trial. “They were breaking out practically every day. Christ you’d think the entire crew was Puerto Rican or something.”

Back off or I’ll cut you!

Kirk himself was known to get in on the action.

Another day. Another knife fight

Damn knives!

Many speculate as to why Kirk would do this.  The consensus seems to be that Kirk was overcompensating for his short height and felt the need to prove he was a man.

In keeping with this he would frequently invite young men onto the bridge and then, bizarrely, proceed to beat them up.

You want command of this ship you punk?  Over my dead body!

Kirk was also known as a man who loved the ladies. He even forced his yeoman to dress nonregulation while on duty which proved to be a distraction to the crew, as this still from a security camera proves.

Yeoman Rand, shake what ya mamma gave ya

Kirk it is alleged also was involved in an improper relationship with his first officer, Mr. Spock.  Kirk was in the habit of inviting Spock to his quarters and then taking off his shirt.  Spock grew confused and was often seen in the halls crying and and saying, “God I love Jim.  But I feel such shame.”

Get a good look at this Spock.  Ya want it?

I love him.  But oh the shame!

Why why why?  Must…pull…myself…together!

But perhaps most damaging to Kirk’s reputation was the astonishing 73% of “redshirts” or lower rank officers, who died under his command.

Entered into testimony was the log of one late redshirt:

This is great.  I’m on the planet with Kirk, Spock and McCoy.  I guess they chose me because they trust me.  My career should get a boost from this.  Hey what’s that over there?  It’s moving towards me.  AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

Hi I’m a redshirt.  Hey what’s that moving towards me?


Kirk for his part continues to deny all charges, claiming they are politically based and trumped up.

“It’s because I’m short!  Star Fleet hates short officers.  If I were taller this wouldn’t be happening.”

The trial continues and can be seen on CNBC every night.


5 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Betcha 20 Quatloos that Kirk is acquitted.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I don’t know Inn. I hear that famous Klingon feminist attorney Gloria All BAK-TAK Red is getting involved.

    If that’s true than Kirk is toast.

  3. I think I just heard Nancy Grace load up her phaser rifle to go out and kill Kirk.

  4. MK says:

    Even in the future, some idiots will bring knives to a phaser fight.

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