Jose Reyes, former shortstop for the New York Mets, injured his hamstring while signing his new 6-year 106 million dollar contract with the Miami Marlins.

As the ceremony progressed and cameras flashed, Reyes, surrounded by Team General Manager Michael Hill and President of Baseball Operations Larry Beinfest,  doubled over in  pain, grabbing his leg.

“My hammy!  My hammy!” screamed Reyes as embarrassed team executives looked on.

As Reyes collapsed to the floor screaming in agony Hill touted Reyes athletic achievements and how they will help the Marlins in their quest for a pennant.

“Jose is one of baseball’s premiere athletes.  His combination of athleticism, speed and on base percentage will make the Marlins a force to be reckoned with in 2012.”

The injured Reyes, who was sobbing quietly, crawled towards the podium and pulled himself up.  Refusing help Reyes told reporters “I’m good.  I’m better now.  It’s just a slight -”

At this point a sickening sound was heard that was described as “kinda like tearing a bed sheet in two.”

Reyes collapsed again, grabbed his leg and shouted “My other hammy!  My other hammy!’

It was then that team executives decided to call an ambulance.

Paramedics arrived,  strapped him to a stretcher and took him away.  As they entered the elevator Reyes gave the thumbs up sign to assembled reporters.  The  door to the elevator then closed, taking his thumb off.  Reyes could be heard screaming in the elevator, “Not my thumb!  Jesus not my thumb!”

As the paramedics approached the ambulance they lost their footing and released the stretcher.  The now out of control stretcher then jumped a curb, became airborne and crashed into the ambulance, breaking Reyes nose and jaw.

“Jesus Christ.  Not my nose and jaw!  Not my nose and jaw” screamed Reyes.

A backup ambulance arrived and took Reyes to a hospital for x-rays.  At the hospital a confused doctor told reporters:

Well we’ve done the x-rays and frankly I’ve never seen anything like this. He has no heart, liver, pancreas or other internal organs.  As far as we can figure out his entire body is composed of nothing but hamstrings.  Thousands of them.  Accordingly we’re transferring Mr. Reyes to a special State research facility for study.

At the Florida Research Center for Stuff We Don’t Understand, Reyes was brought in under heavy guard and dumped into a giant fish tank.

“But I can’t swim!  Not without my hammy’s!” shouted a frightened Reyes.

A confused attendant was heard to say, “What?  This isn’t the mermaid?”

The Miami Marlins have announced that they are confident that Reyes will be healthy and available in time for opening day.

“I just wish we knew he was a mermaid before we signed him” said GM Hill. “The insurance costs alone are going to kill us.”

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This being “exclusive interview” week here at Manhattan Infidel I am excited to interview the one, the only, the inimitable Ludwig van Beethoven.  A crucial figure in the transition from the classical to the romantic eras in western music he remains one of the most famous and influential composers of all time.  Beethoven also composed many of his greatest works while virtually deaf.

MI:  Mr. Beethoven I thank you for meeting with me.

Beethoven:  [Silence]

MI:  [Louder] I said I thank you for meeting with me.

Beethoven:  No I don’t have to pee.  My bladder is fine thank you.

MI:  Okay. Let’s start with your music.  Were you conscious that you were breaking new ground?

Beethoven:  [Silence]

MI:  [Louder] I said was there a plan or did your music evolve organically?

Beethoven:  What?  No.  I’ve never had an orgasm with a man.  I resent the question.

MI:  You misunderstood me.  Let’s start with your body of work.

Beethoven:  Why are you talking about my body?  When I agreed to this interview I didn’t realize I’d be talking to a pervert.

MI:  No no.  It’s. [Pause].  I see your hearing difficulties are creating a problem.  I’ll speak louder.  [Louder]  What space in music history do you think your body of work inhabits?

Beethoven:  You have how many bodies in your crawlspace?

MI:  No, that’s not what I said.

Beethoven:  Help!   Help!  Police!   Help!

Policeman:  What seems to be the problem?

Beethoven:  This man has bodies in his crawlspace!

Policeman:  He does, does he?  What kind of sicko are you? Alright boyo, time to meet Mr. nightstick. [ Taking out nightstick and beating MI with it.]

MI:  No.  No.  Ouch.  Stop it.  I’m just a blogger.

Beethoven:  You heard him.  He’s a mugger.  A mugger who kept asking me about my body.

Policeman:  You sick, twisted, disgusting man.  Time to meet Mr. mace [Maces MI.]

MI:  Oh God my eyes.

Policeman:  [Speaking into police radio] Officer needs assistance.  We have a suspect.  A serial killer and sex predator.  Request armed backup immediately.

MI:  Help me!

[Other officers arrive.]

Second officer:  Is this the pervert?  Alright boyo, time to meet Mr. taser.  [Tases MI.)

Here the interview with Beethoven ended.  The remaining transcript is a jumble of screams (possibly Manhattan Infidel’s), electronic noises (possibly a police taser) and a male voice (presumably Beethoven) saying “That’s it.  Get him!  Show no mercy!  More taser!”

(443)

As part of my continuing series I am happy to present my interview with perhaps the most famous physicist ever:  Albert Einstein

MI:  Dr. Einstein thank you for meeting with me.

AE:  It’s my pleasure.

MI:  One thing confuses me though.  You died in 1955.  How is it that I am interviewing you now?

AE:  Time.

MI:  What?

AE:  Linear time.  Linear time is an illusion.  Much like Michael Bolton’s hair.  What we perceive as time happening in sequential order is not true.  Time is three-dimensional.  Many different times happen at once.

MI:  I see.

AE:  Blueberry.

MI:  What?

AE:  I just answered your third question.

MI:  But I haven’t asked it yet.

AE:  Linear time. Illusion.  Bolton’s hair.

MI:  Okay.  Can you give me an example of how time bends?  How people may perceive the passage of time differently?

AE: Sure.  Let’s say your wife forces you to go see a romantic comedy.  The movie is only two hours long.  Yet it seems longer.  So incredibly longer.  In your misery time has slowed down.  And in this case as time slows down you age faster.

MI:  Wow.  Incredible.  Next question.  What is your favorite pie?

AE:  I already answered that.

MI:  That’s right. I see you have.  Too-shay as the French might say.

AE:  Oh my God don’t do that!

MI:  What?

AE:  What you’re doing in the park with that woman.  Get out of the bushes!

MI:  When?

AE:  Next week.  Stop it.

MI:  I have no intention – 

AE:  She’s an undercover cop.  No!  Did you have to bludgeon her?

MI: I assure you I am not in the habit of bludgeoning undercover cops in the park.

AE:  You did last week.

MI:  How did you know about that?

AE:  I have a police scanner.

MI:  Okay well this brings up a point about time.  Can’t I just avoid the park next week and hence change the timeline?

AE:  Well I suppose – Oh god don’t do that!

MI:  What?  What now?

AE:  Don’t eat those red peppers.  You know what they do to your digestive tract.

MI:  One last question before I let you go.  Any regrets?

AE:  Look at my hair.  Look at my mustache.

MI:  Yes?

AE:  I always regretted not living long enough to be in the Village People.  I mean they had a cop, a construction worker, even a damn Indian.  Why not a physicist?

MI:  Okay.  Well, it was a pleasure meeting – 

AE:  Oh God, look out!

MI:  What?  What the hell now?

AE:  This doesn’t happen for a month but if I were you I would avoid any activity that involves an octopus and nipple clamps.

And so ended my interview with the famous physicist.

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Day 1.  September 17, 2011.

This is soooo cool!  I arrived in downtown Manhattan to find hundreds of other revolutionaries! Morale here is high.  Together we can change the world and defeat the capitalists.  I just wish the park had wifi.  I have this new Macbook that’s bitchin!  Thanks mom and dad for buying it for me.  But without Wifi it’s pretty much useless.  Oh well.  Time to go to sleep.

Day 2.  September 18th, 2011.

Wow.  So cool. I slept here in the park last night with my comrades and the man did not disturb us.  I woke up once because I had to urinate.  I found a bottle and urinated in that.  Then I put it back on the table.  Sure hope no one drinks it.  This is the start of the revolution!  What the hell?  Where’s my Macbook?  This is just great.  No doubt the man or some other pig took my Macbook during the night.  That had all my music!

Day 3.  September 19, 2011.

I kept it in as long as I could but I had to defecate.  I crapped all over a cop car!  That’s sticking it to the pigs.  When I told everyone what I did they all high-fived me.  I’m  popular!  I’m really popular.  I just wish that hot chick over there would talk to me.  It’s starting to stink in the park.  Must be the stench of capitalism.  Time to go to sleep.  I stole someone’s Macbook today.  It’s only fair.  Why should he have one when I don’t.

Day 10.  September 26, 2011.

They are building some really tall skyscraper not far from me.  They call it the Freedom Tower.  Apparently the previous tower collapsed after it caught fire.  I don’t believe that. Steel does not melt.  It was probably some Jew.

Day  17.  October 3rd, 2011.

Last night I heard the hot chick having sex.  I just wish it was me having sex with her.  Everyone here smells pretty bad.  Must be exposure to the exhaust fumes from passing cars and buses.  Today someone stole the  Macbook that I stole.  Life isn’t fair sometimes.

Day 25.  October 11, 2011.

I’ve been scratching my head all day.  Everyone has been scratching their heads all day.  It just itches.  Some fat cat banker told me I probably had lice.   Like I’m going to listen to the 1%.

Day 30.  October 16th, 2011.

Cough.

Day 34.  October 20th, 2011.

The homeless in the area keep coming into OUR park and taking OUR food.  They have no right to our food.  They didn’t work for any of it.  Cough.  Everyone in the park is coughing.  Even the hot chick when she’s having sex.  I don’t like her anymore.   My head itches so bad it’s driving me crazy.

Day 35.  October 21, 2011.

Cough.

Day 36.  October 22, 2011.

Scratching my head all day.

Day 37.  October 23, 2011.

Cough.  Scratch.

Day 47.  November 2nd. 2011.

I stole the Macbook that had been stolen from me that I originally stole when mine was taken.  Last night I confronted the hot chick. I went into her tent and got on top of her.  She screamed and said get off me.  Like her body is private property!  Isn’t that what we are fighting against?  Everyone heard her screams.  The others in the park surrounded me and shouted, “Shame, shame, shame” until I went back to my tent.   Cough.

Day 53.  November 8th, 2011.

Today is election day.  I’ve never voted myself but my parents and aunts and uncles do.  David Crosby and Graham Nash were here today.  Neither one was coughing or scratching their head.   This is just like Woodstock!  This is so cool man!  Someone stole the Macbook that had been stolen from me that I originally stole when mine was stolen.

Cough.

Day 60. November 15, 2011.

The pigs showed up this morning and told us all to leave.  Many were arrested. The hot chick looked hot in handcuffs.  They say we can go back in the afternoon after they “delouse” the park, whatever that means.   I don’t think I’ll be going back.  I’m tired and cold.

Cough.

Postscript. November 21, 2011.

I am back home with mom and dad.  They seemed happy to see me and offered to help me with my resume and cover letter.  Today they are taking me to the doctor.  They say he’s going to give me some pills and use a special comb on my hair.

Cough.

Scratch.

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