My Exclusive Interview with Beethoven

What???????  Speak up!This being “exclusive interview” week here at Manhattan Infidel I am excited to interview the one, the only, the inimitable Ludwig van Beethoven.  A crucial figure in the transition from the classical to the romantic eras in western music he remains one of the most famous and influential composers of all time.  Beethoven also composed many of his greatest works while virtually deaf.

MI:  Mr. Beethoven I thank you for meeting with me.

Beethoven:  [Silence]

MI:  [Louder] I said I thank you for meeting with me.

Beethoven:  No I don’t have to pee.  My bladder is fine thank you.

MI:  Okay. Let’s start with your music.  Were you conscious that you were breaking new ground?

Beethoven:  [Silence]

MI:  [Louder] I said was there a plan or did your music evolve organically?

Beethoven:  What?  No.  I’ve never had an orgasm with a man.  I resent the question.

MI:  You misunderstood me.  Let’s start with your body of work.

Beethoven:  Why are you talking about my body?  When I agreed to this interview I didn’t realize I’d be talking to a pervert.

MI:  No no.  It’s. [Pause].  I see your hearing difficulties are creating a problem.  I’ll speak louder.  [Louder]  What space in music history do you think your body of work inhabits?

Beethoven:  You have how many bodies in your crawlspace?

MI:  No, that’s not what I said.

Beethoven:  Help!   Help!  Police!   Help!

Policeman:  What seems to be the problem?

Beethoven:  This man has bodies in his crawlspace!

Policeman:  He does, does he?  What kind of sicko are you? Alright boyo, time to meet Mr. nightstick. [ Taking out nightstick and beating MI with it.]

MI:  No.  No.  Ouch.  Stop it.  I’m just a blogger.

Beethoven:  You heard him.  He’s a mugger.  A mugger who kept asking me about my body.

Policeman:  You sick, twisted, disgusting man.  Time to meet Mr. mace [Maces MI.]

MI:  Oh God my eyes.

Policeman:  [Speaking into police radio] Officer needs assistance.  We have a suspect.  A serial killer and sex predator.  Request armed backup immediately.

MI:  Help me!

[Other officers arrive.]

Second officer:  Is this the pervert?  Alright boyo, time to meet Mr. taser.  [Tases MI.)

Here the interview with Beethoven ended.  The remaining transcript is a jumble of screams (possibly Manhattan Infidel’s), electronic noises (possibly a police taser) and a male voice (presumably Beethoven) saying “That’s it.  Get him!  Show no mercy!  More taser!”


2 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    The pinnacle of Beethoven’s career came when he sold the melody of “Bad Boys” to Inner Circle for a case of Heineken and $17 in cash. When I see your arrest someday on COPS, the irony of it all will cause me to laugh uproariously.

  2. I came here to drop a pithy stand-alone comment. But it seems unwise to get between “the Infidel,” “innominatus,” and their personal issues with one another. Moving on …

    “Because the Only Good Progressive is a Failed Progressive”

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