Today I have the privilege to sit down and interview a pop culture icon:  The legendary Kermit the Frog himself.

MI:  Kermit it is my privilege to interview you.  I’ve been a fan for years.

KF:  Yeah whatever.

MI:  You have a new movie coming out. Tell me about it.  Are you excited to be back on the silver screen?

KF:  I don’t know.  I just show up and read the f#(*#ing lines.  It’s Disney’s baby. 

MI:  Oh, okay.  Things have been tough for the muppets since Jim Henson died.

KF:  Tell me about it.  We were bought and sold like pieces of meat.  No regard to us at all. One company who owned us went bankrupt.  No money was coming in.  Do you mind if I smoke?

MI:  No go ahead.

KF:  [Smoking] Ah, that hits the spot.  Anyway.  I had no money coming in so I had to find other avenues of income.

MI:  Such as?

KF:  I’m big into narcotics.  Very profitable. I own lots of poppy fields in Afghanistan.  I also have connections with Mexican drug cartels that bring cocaine over the border for me.

MI:  What?  What the – this will come as quite a shock to my readers.

KF:  Right.  You have a blog?  So you have…..what? Three readers?

MI:  Oh come on.  That’s just mean.  Six actually.  Anyway let’s change the topic.  Let’s talk about your relationship with the other muppets.  Miss Piggy?

KF:  Just friends.

MI:  Animal?

KF:  Son of a bitch owes me money.  I don’t give him drugs for free!

MI:  Fozzy Bear?

KF:  He’s my soul mate.  I love him.

MI: I  hope you don’t mind.  I have to ask this.  The drugs.  Is it –

KF: People are going to do drugs.  You know that.  I know that.  We all know that.  All I do is act on that.  And all this talk of bootlegging – What is bootlegging? On a boat it’s bootlegging.  On Lake Shore Drive it’s hospitality.  I’m a businessman.

MI:  Okay. I wasn’t going to ask about bootlegging.  My question is – the drugs.  Is this just business or is it something you are enthusiastic about?

KF:  Life goes on. A man becomes preeminent, he’s expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms… Enthusiasms… What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? [grabs a baseball bat] Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork…. Looks, throws, catches, hustles – part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don’t field… what is he? You follow me? No one! Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? “I’m goin’ out there for myself. But… I get nowhere unless the team wins.”

MI:  The team.  Very inspiring.  Hey, do you mind not holding that baseball bat so close to my head?

KF:  You blogging son of a bitch. You’re after my drug money [hits Manhattan Infidel over the head with his baseball bat]

MI:  Ow.  That really stings.  Stop it!

KF:  Sorry.  That was supposed to cave your skull in.  You wouldn’t have felt a thing.  Let me try again.

MI:  Get the hell away from me.  This interview is over you psychotic green bastard. The hell with promoting your movie.

KF:  I’m sorry.  Hey, let’s talk some more about the muppets.

MI:  F#$# you.  I’m out of here.

And so ended my interview with drug kingpin Kermit the Frog.

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