My Exclusive Interview with Albert Einstein

My one regret?  Not living long enough to be in the Village People!As part of my continuing series I am happy to present my interview with perhaps the most famous physicist ever:  Albert Einstein

MI:  Dr. Einstein thank you for meeting with me.

AE:  It’s my pleasure.

MI:  One thing confuses me though.  You died in 1955.  How is it that I am interviewing you now?

AE:  Time.

MI:  What?

AE:  Linear time.  Linear time is an illusion.  Much like Michael Bolton’s hair.  What we perceive as time happening in sequential order is not true.  Time is three-dimensional.  Many different times happen at once.

MI:  I see.

AE:  Blueberry.

MI:  What?

AE:  I just answered your third question.

MI:  But I haven’t asked it yet.

AE:  Linear time. Illusion.  Bolton’s hair.

MI:  Okay.  Can you give me an example of how time bends?  How people may perceive the passage of time differently?

AE: Sure.  Let’s say your wife forces you to go see a romantic comedy.  The movie is only two hours long.  Yet it seems longer.  So incredibly longer.  In your misery time has slowed down.  And in this case as time slows down you age faster.

MI:  Wow.  Incredible.  Next question.  What is your favorite pie?

AE:  I already answered that.

MI:  That’s right. I see you have.  Too-shay as the French might say.

AE:  Oh my God don’t do that!

MI:  What?

AE:  What you’re doing in the park with that woman.  Get out of the bushes!

MI:  When?

AE:  Next week.  Stop it.

MI:  I have no intention – 

AE:  She’s an undercover cop.  No!  Did you have to bludgeon her?

MI: I assure you I am not in the habit of bludgeoning undercover cops in the park.

AE:  You did last week.

MI:  How did you know about that?

AE:  I have a police scanner.

MI:  Okay well this brings up a point about time.  Can’t I just avoid the park next week and hence change the timeline?

AE:  Well I suppose – Oh god don’t do that!

MI:  What?  What now?

AE:  Don’t eat those red peppers.  You know what they do to your digestive tract.

MI:  One last question before I let you go.  Any regrets?

AE:  Look at my hair.  Look at my mustache.

MI:  Yes?

AE:  I always regretted not living long enough to be in the Village People.  I mean they had a cop, a construction worker, even a damn Indian.  Why not a physicist?

MI:  Okay.  Well, it was a pleasure meeting – 

AE:  Oh God, look out!

MI:  What?  What the hell now?

AE:  This doesn’t happen for a month but if I were you I would avoid any activity that involves an octopus and nipple clamps.

And so ended my interview with the famous physicist.


2 Responses

  1. Best. Non-Linear. Interview.


  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Seven. (You haven’t asked the question yet.)

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