*** Breaking News *** Jose Reyes Injures Hamstring Signing Contract with Marlins

My  hammy!Jose Reyes, former shortstop for the New York Mets, injured his hamstring while signing his new 6-year 106 million dollar contract with the Miami Marlins.

As the ceremony progressed and cameras flashed, Reyes, surrounded by Team General Manager Michael Hill and President of Baseball Operations Larry Beinfest,  doubled over in  pain, grabbing his leg.

“My hammy!  My hammy!” screamed Reyes as embarrassed team executives looked on.

As Reyes collapsed to the floor screaming in agony Hill touted Reyes athletic achievements and how they will help the Marlins in their quest for a pennant.

“Jose is one of baseball’s premiere athletes.  His combination of athleticism, speed and on base percentage will make the Marlins a force to be reckoned with in 2012.”

The injured Reyes, who was sobbing quietly, crawled towards the podium and pulled himself up.  Refusing help Reyes told reporters “I’m good.  I’m better now.  It’s just a slight -”

At this point a sickening sound was heard that was described as “kinda like tearing a bed sheet in two.”

Reyes collapsed again, grabbed his leg and shouted “My other hammy!  My other hammy!’

It was then that team executives decided to call an ambulance.

Paramedics arrived,  strapped him to a stretcher and took him away.  As they entered the elevator Reyes gave the thumbs up sign to assembled reporters.  The  door to the elevator then closed, taking his thumb off.  Reyes could be heard screaming in the elevator, “Not my thumb!  Jesus not my thumb!”

As the paramedics approached the ambulance they lost their footing and released the stretcher.  The now out of control stretcher then jumped a curb, became airborne and crashed into the ambulance, breaking Reyes nose and jaw.

“Jesus Christ.  Not my nose and jaw!  Not my nose and jaw” screamed Reyes.

A backup ambulance arrived and took Reyes to a hospital for x-rays.  At the hospital a confused doctor told reporters:

Well we’ve done the x-rays and frankly I’ve never seen anything like this. He has no heart, liver, pancreas or other internal organs.  As far as we can figure out his entire body is composed of nothing but hamstrings.  Thousands of them.  Accordingly we’re transferring Mr. Reyes to a special State research facility for study.

At the Florida Research Center for Stuff We Don’t Understand, Reyes was brought in under heavy guard and dumped into a giant fish tank.

“But I can’t swim!  Not without my hammy’s!” shouted a frightened Reyes.

A confused attendant was heard to say, “What?  This isn’t the mermaid?”

The Miami Marlins have announced that they are confident that Reyes will be healthy and available in time for opening day.

“I just wish we knew he was a mermaid before we signed him” said GM Hill. “The insurance costs alone are going to kill us.”


2 Responses

  1. This guy just hosed the Marlins for millions. He’ll play–maybe, maybe–100 games this year.

    Good for you, Jose. I knew you would make a perfect double agent, weakening teams in the Mets’ division. Brilliant.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: If only he could have signed with the Red Sox.

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