Prosecution Rests in Kirk Trial

 I’m Captain James T. Kirk and I’m all man

Prosecution for Star Fleet rested today in the trial for dereliction of duty of Captain James T. Kirk.

In its closing statement the lead prosecutor for Star Fleet called Kirk “unfit for duty on all counts” and presented a picture of a man obsessed with sex whose entire career was one bad decision after another.

Among the damning evidence introduced Kirk would often go on shore leave and shoot civilians with his sidearm.

“Kirk claimed he was protecting the Federation but we believe he just liked shooting people.”

let’s shoot some civilians!

And then there was the issue of Kirk’s, shall we say “interesting” sex life.

“Look, we at Star Fleet Headquarters aren’t prudes.  We enjoy sex.  Sometimes even with Methodists.  But when a peace conference is delayed because the top Federation negotiator is getting his freak on, well, things have to change.”

The following security tapes were entered into evidence:

get on top of me you Vulcan son of a bitch!

Take it all!

I like it rough!

Oh god yes!! yes!!

I love it!

And always there were the green women.

I like them green!

My tasty green delicious bitch!

Don’t disturb us we’re going to get our freak on.

“Kirk insisted that whenever he beamed down to a planet he had an Orion slave girl waiting for him.  Do you know how hard it is to procure one?  So we started spray painting women green.  Kirk found out and he was pissed.  He said, ‘You don’t understand.  Green women can do things.’ Then he showed me some photos.  I wish the mind could unsee what the eyes have seen!”

Kirk also displayed a pronounced hostility to all native religions and would often destroy their temples.

Superstitious cretens!

Die religion die!

Destroy the temple!

But what in the end forced Star Fleet’s hand was Kirk’s questionable political affiliations.

“Kirk and Spock were founders of the Federation Nazi Party.  I mean, come on.  We’re trying to win the hearts and minds of people and they are doing this?  Star Fleet is not the Fourth Reich.”

You will obey the Fuhrer!

The fourth Reich will last for centuries!

The defense starts next week.  Kirk, who against the advice of counsel will be defending himself, looks forward to “total exoneration.   And green women.”


3 Responses

  1. Trestin says:

    Well… It makes sense that they would create a Nazi Party. After all, Star Fleet is nothing more than the military force of the Marxist Federation.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Trestin: Let’s see. A future with no cash. No money. Yeah, that sounds marxist now that you believe it.

    Does this mean OWS won?

  3. Trestin says:

    Yes, partly (people still shower) and strangely so has the Navy. You notice it’s a star fleet with Navy ranks, not Army or Air Force.

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