*** Breaking News *** Herman Cain Admits to 13-Year Affair with Himself

I feel much shame!Republican Presidential candidate  Herman Cain, who had previously weathered allegations of sexual harassment, admitted today that he had engaged in an “improper relationship with himself” that lasted 13 years.

Calling an impromptu press conference, Cain admitted to the affair:

I took myself out to dinner.  I brought myself back to motel rooms.  I have often called myself.  This improper relationship went on for 13 years.  I have no one to blame but myself.  It was pretty simple.  It wasn’t complicated.  I was aware that I was married.  And I was also aware that I was involved in a very inappropriate relationship.

Cain said that he decided to go public with his affair with himself because he had been getting calls from reporters and wanted to get his side of the story out.

To prove that he had an affair with himself Cain released cellphone records that showed he called himself often, sometimes early in the morning or late at night.

“Why would I call myself at 4:26 a.m. unless I was lonely and wanted company” he told reporters.

Cain said that the affair with himself started after he heard himself speak in Louisville, Kentucky in the late ’90s.

I said to myself, “I’d like to see you again.  You are beautiful to me, and I would love for us to continue this friendship.”

Despite acknowledging the affair, Cain denies there was any sexual contact.

“Sexual penetration?  With myself?  I tried but I’m not that bendy.”

Cain’s attorney, Lin Wood, provided a written statement that said, in part:  “I quit.”

Cain’s announcement shook up the Republican field.  Putative front runner Mitt Romney said, “I oppose what he did.  I’m all for what he did.”

Rick Santorum announced that he too would have an affair with himself, “but only if it would help me get voters.”

Ron Paul told reporters that, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”

On Hardball, host Chris Matthews contrasted Cain with President Obama.

When Barack Obama speaks I forget I’m talking to a black man.  When Herman Cain speaks all I see is a black man.  I can say this because I’m a liberal and I love my negro children.

There has been no word yet on whether Cain will suspend his candidacy.



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