New statistics released from the nonpartisan group “Let’s Stop Cancer Now and Republicans Are Racist” show that Mitt Romney has replaced smoking as the leading cause of cancer in the United States.

“We were as as shocked as anyone” said the director of the nonpartisan group.

I mean we all know that smoking cigarettes causes cancer.  But when we saw the ad where the steelworker says that Romney caused his wife’s cancer we started doing some research.  And what we found out was that Romney causes more cancer deaths in the United States than nicotine.  And we have no reason to make this up since we are a nonpartisan group dedicated to stopping cancer and nothing else. And Republicans are racist.

Picking up on the surprising find, the nonpartisan group “Doctors for Patient Health and Republicans Want to Kill Black Folk”  speculate that perhaps there is a regressive gene in Romney that activates cancer in random people, but primarily in Democrats who care about global warming and the lack of free birth control for women.

We showed a photo of Romney to a Democrat who was concerned about global warming and the lack of free birth control for women and he immediately complained of  difficulty moving his bowels.  He died that afternoon in  a car crash but we’re pretty sure that the crash was a symptom of his bowel cancer.  A cancer caused by Mitt Romney.  And we have no reason to lie about this since we are a totally nonpartisan group of doctors dedicated to patient health.  And Republicans want to kill black folk.

The Environmental Protection Agency used the finding of the nonpartisan group to officially designate Mitt Romney as a cancer-causing agent.  Said agency director Lisa P. Jackson:

Images of Romney have been proven to cause irreversible stage four cancer.  Under the authority granted the EPA by the Constitution we are banning public displays of Romney on billboards and television.  Our only reason for doing this is to protect America from the cancer cluster that is Romney.  And Republicans use flush toilets which as we all know destroy the environment, cause cancer and kill black folk.

Compounding the danger caused by Romney is his choice of Paul Ryan as a running mate.  Many physicists have postulated that the combination of Romney and Ryan could lead to the Earth itself contracting cancer, causing the magnetic poles to reverse and forcing a collision with the Moon.

“There is a 100% percent chance of this happening” said a physicist from the nonpartisan group “Physicists for Facts and Romney Will Kill us All.”

“This could be the worse thing to happen to Earth since George Bush raped my cat.”

From Washington D.C., President Obama, clearly concerned about the environment and empathetic to all those suffering from cancer released the following statement:

Paul Ryan is Catholic.  Do you know who else is Catholic?  Jerry Sandusky. That’s who.  Do we really want our Vice President widening the anus of nine-year old boys?  I’m Barack Obama and I approved this message.

The EPA’s ban on Romney takes effect immediately.

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With the Presidential campaign in full swing, indeed with the conventions upon us, it is time to take a closer look at the character of Mitt Romney.  After extensive talks with people who have known and worked with Romney in the past a clear picture of his character emerges.  He is a bully.  But his is also a wimp.

The bullying, combined with the wimpiness creates a “bullwimp” factor that should have all Americans asking these questions: Do I dare vote for a bullwimp?  What are the consequences of voting for a bullwimp?  Can a bullwimp protect America from her many enemies? Can a bullwimp inspire confidence? Do you come here often? I’ll try anything once.  Autoerotic asphyxiation? Hell yes let’s get the party started. You want to shave my what?  Jiggers it’s the cops. I’m too pretty to go to jail.  I’ll be a bottom if it gets me a pack of cigarettes. Jailbreak tonight at lights out.  And of course the ultimate question we should all be asking ourselves as the election approaches: Can I make the bloodhounds lose my scent by pouring curry powder on the ground?

I spoke to a member of Romney’s staff when he was Governor of Massachusetts and he had this to say:

What a bullwimp!  He was always bullying people.  He enjoyed it.  But it was how he bullied me that grates so much.  Every morning he’d call me into his office and put on a cardigan sweater.  Then he’d force me to watch “Anne of Green Gables” – the 1934 version with Tom Brown and Anne Shirley. I felt terrorized in a wimp-like fashion.  To this day whenever anyone mentions Anne of Green Gables I cry.  I cry because of the memory of how Governor Romney bullwimped me, not because I found the movie moving, even though when Matthew dies of a heart attack and Anne gives up her scholarship to help Marilla whose eyesight is diminishing always chokes me up.

I next spoke to a man who worked closely with Romney during the 2002 Winter Olympics and he provided a blood-curdling example of his bullwimpness.

He used to tell me how much he enjoyed darning is own socks.  I thought he was talking about autoerotic asphyxiation, which I’m into.  Hell, who isn’t?  Then one day I walked into his office and he was sitting there in a cardigan sweater, smoking a pipe and darning his socks.  I mean, actually darning his socks. It changed my sexuality forever.  I used to wild.  A different woman every night. Now I’m married.  The same woman.  Every night.  Always the same woman.  Every night.  F**#ing Romney ruined my life.

These two examples alone prove that Romney is a dangerous bullwimp.  A bullwimp who is unfit for the Presidency.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to darn my socks.  What?  I always take my pants off when I darn my socks.

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When President Obama was photographed holding a baseball bat (a potentially lethal weapon) in his hand while talking to Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan a diplomatic war of words ensued.

The opposition Turkish Republican People’s Party called the photo “an implicit insult to Turkey and its citizens.” 

Turkish leaders have called for an apology from President Obama.

As the firestorm raged and Turkish troops went on high alert, the White House tried to defuse the crisis.

White House press secretary Jay Carney told reporters:

The Turks are way out of line on this.  I mean, it’s not like the time he called Queen Elizabeth and was photographed rubbing the bust of Churchill against his crotch. Or the time he called British Prime Minister David Cameron and was photographed in a speedo while pouring baby oil on his chest.  Or the time he called up the President of Ireland, Michael Higgins, and was photographed holding a box of Lucky Charms.  I mean, if anyone should get offended it was the Irish.  Everytime Higgins said hello my boss would giggle and say “They’re always after me Lucky Charms.”  And let’s not forget the time he called Putin and was photographed playing with the skull of Nicholas II.  So you see, President Obama has a long history of angering, I mean “resetting” relations with allies but in this case the Turks are wrong.

As to why President Obama was holding the bat in the first place, the official explanation is that he is a big baseball fan and wanted to support his Chicago White Sox.  However upon further investigation the following rumors facts have surfaced:

1. At approximately 11:53 am President Obama has a triple bacon cheeseburger for lunch.
2. At approximately 11:55 am First Lady Michelle Obama discovers the President eating said burger and threatens to “clean his clock!”
3. At approximately 11:56am President Obama hid in one of the many closets in the White House until First Lady Obama left the White House for a shopping spree in Manhattan.
4. At approximately 12:25 pm, convinced the coast was clear, Obama came out of the closet holding a baseball bat for protection.  “Discretion is the better part of valor” he told an aide.
5. At approximately 12:39 pm, still holding the baseball bat President Obama called the Turkish Prime Minister.

And so you see, the preceding crap I made up facts conclusively prove that President Obama was not trying to intimidate the Turkish Prime Minister or insult the Turkish people.

White House spokesman Carney has personally called Erdogan to explain the misunderstanding.

“All married American men carry baseball bats to protect them from their wives” he said.

No word on whether the Prime Minister has accepted Carney’s explanation.

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Today at Manhattan Infidel as part of my continuing series of exclusive interviews with popular public personages I am pleased to interview the current mayor of Gotham, his honor Michael Bloomberg, aka, the World’s Biggest Asshat (“WBA“).

MI:  Good afternoon your Honor.

WBA:  Thank you for having me here Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Before we start do you mind?  I’m thirsty. [Takes a drink.]  Man I love these 32-ounce big gulps.  Especially on hot summer days.

WBA:  Manhattan Infidel may I just say that what you are doing is breaking the law.  32-ounce so-called big gulps have been made illegal by my administration.

MI:  Why?  [Continues drinking.]  Mm.  This is refeshing.

WBA:  It’s for the good of the people.  We have an epidemic of obesity in America.  Banning 32-ounce drinks could prevent thousands of obesity deaths.

MI:  Since when is it your job to prevent people from dying? And what medical experts say that thousands of deaths could be prevented?

WBA:  I’m not going to argue this point Manhattan Infidel. All intelligent people agree with this ban.  Why even director Spike Lee agrees with me.

MI:  Spike Lee?  The man who tweeted the wrong address of George Zimmerman’s parents and made them go into hiding?  Spike Lee?  Really?

WBA:  Yes. 

MI:  So what’s it like being an asshat?

WBA:  Manhattan Infidel, please.  Let’s be civil.

MI: Okay.  I can be civil. So what’s it like being the world’s biggest asshat?

WBA:  Manhattan Infidel you have to look at the big picture. I’m concerned about my legacy.   People must be forced to be healthy.

MI:  Why stop at big gulps?  Studies show that 100% of people who eat will one day die.  Why not just ban food?  Logically banning food will make us all live forever.

WBA:  I’m way ahead of you.  My administration is already working on a food-substitute called “Soylent Bloomberg.”

MI:  Is it made out of people?

WBA:  Yes.  But non fat people.  Soylent Bloomberg is healthy and nutritious.

MI:  Okay.  I’m sorry I brought this up.  You were also quoted as saying, in light of the tragedy in Colorado, that police officers should “go on strike” and walk off the job and that they should refuse to protect us until, and I’m quoting, “the public, through their legislature, do what’s required to keep us safe.”

WBA:  Yes, that’s correct.  I said that.

MI:  Wow.  So….what’s it like being the universe’s biggest asshat?

WBA:  Manhattan Infidel the job of government is to restrict choice.

MI:  And you also have ordered baby formula locked up in City hospitals.  Any mothers who ask for the formula are to be lectured that they should breastfeed instead.  Is this true?

WBA:  Yes.

MI:  The length and breadth of your asshatness truly knows no bounds.

WBA:  Manhattan Infidel, please.  I beg you to be serious….I…….can you please put that big gulp away?  It’s distracting me.

MI:  What?  Oh this?  This delicious 32-ounce big gulp?

WBA: Yes. It’s….it’s….it’s evil.  It must be destroyed.  Governments were created to destroy evil.  It’s my job as mayor to rid our city of evil.

MI: You can’t take your eyes off my big gulp.  I notice beads of sweat tricking down your forehead.

WBA:  Please Manhattan Infidel, I beg you.  I’m just a man.  I have my limits.  Take that evil from my sight!

MI:  Mm.  What a delicious big gulp.  I love – [Mayor Bloomberg, aka “World’s Biggest Asshat” jumps over the table and attacks Manhattan Infidel.]

WBA:  GIVE ME THE F#$#ING BIG GULP!  I WANT TO DRINK IT!

MI:  Here.  Take it.  Just get off me.

WBA:  [Takes big gulp and drinks from  it.]  Mm.  Oh yes.  Yes.  YES!  God I love big gulps.  I dream of its forbidden pleasure every waking moment.  [He rips off his shirt and pants.] I want big gulp all over my body! [He pours the big gulp over his body and starts licking it off his flesh.] Feel it all over me!  I want to swim in a bucket of big gulps.

MI:  You have issues.

WBA:  Oh god.  Sorry about that.

MI: What’s that smell?  Did you?  Did you just defecate in my office?

WBA:  I lose control of my bodily functions when I’m drinking a big gulp.   I love it.  Look at me!  Look at my underwear!

MI:  Do you have an erection?

WBA:  Such filthy sensual pleasure.  Oh god…….I’m releasing……..

MI:  Did you just ejaculate?   That’s disgusting.  I’m not cleaning that up.  I’m not going anywhere near your bodily fluids.  Clean yourself up and get the hell out of my office.

WBA:  I feel so cheap, dirty and degraded.  But I can’t help myself.  I love it.  Oh, and cops should go on strike until gun control is passed.

And so ended my interview with the world’s, universe’s biggest asshat.   Now if you’ll excuse me I have to find new office space.  I can’t work in my old one anymore.

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