New statistics released from the nonpartisan group “Let’s Stop Cancer Now and Republicans Are Racist” show that Mitt Romney has replaced smoking as the leading cause of cancer in the United States.

“We were as as shocked as anyone” said the director of the nonpartisan group.

I mean we all know that smoking cigarettes causes cancer.  But when we saw the ad where the steelworker says that Romney caused his wife’s cancer we started doing some research.  And what we found out was that Romney causes more cancer deaths in the United States than nicotine.  And we have no reason to make this up since we are a nonpartisan group dedicated to stopping cancer and nothing else. And Republicans are racist.

Picking up on the surprising find, the nonpartisan group “Doctors for Patient Health and Republicans Want to Kill Black Folk”  speculate that perhaps there is a regressive gene in Romney that activates cancer in random people, but primarily in Democrats who care about global warming and the lack of free birth control for women.

We showed a photo of Romney to a Democrat who was concerned about global warming and the lack of free birth control for women and he immediately complained of  difficulty moving his bowels.  He died that afternoon in  a car crash but we’re pretty sure that the crash was a symptom of his bowel cancer.  A cancer caused by Mitt Romney.  And we have no reason to lie about this since we are a totally nonpartisan group of doctors dedicated to patient health.  And Republicans want to kill black folk.

The Environmental Protection Agency used the finding of the nonpartisan group to officially designate Mitt Romney as a cancer-causing agent.  Said agency director Lisa P. Jackson:

Images of Romney have been proven to cause irreversible stage four cancer.  Under the authority granted the EPA by the Constitution we are banning public displays of Romney on billboards and television.  Our only reason for doing this is to protect America from the cancer cluster that is Romney.  And Republicans use flush toilets which as we all know destroy the environment, cause cancer and kill black folk.

Compounding the danger caused by Romney is his choice of Paul Ryan as a running mate.  Many physicists have postulated that the combination of Romney and Ryan could lead to the Earth itself contracting cancer, causing the magnetic poles to reverse and forcing a collision with the Moon.

“There is a 100% percent chance of this happening” said a physicist from the nonpartisan group “Physicists for Facts and Romney Will Kill us All.”

“This could be the worse thing to happen to Earth since George Bush raped my cat.”

From Washington D.C., President Obama, clearly concerned about the environment and empathetic to all those suffering from cancer released the following statement:

Paul Ryan is Catholic.  Do you know who else is Catholic?  Jerry Sandusky. That’s who.  Do we really want our Vice President widening the anus of nine-year old boys?  I’m Barack Obama and I approved this message.

The EPA’s ban on Romney takes effect immediately.

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