Like most of my readers, I, the Manhattan Infidel cannot tolerate dairy products hatred. And after a clip in the news yesterday showing a purposeful man, Adam Smith, CFO and treasurer of Vante of Tuscon, Arizona taking his outrage to the drive-in window at a Chick-fil-A I became inspired. I too have decided to take my outrage over the purveyors of hatred in America today to the source. In my case I have decided to go an organization that is synonymous with hatred: The Organization of Sweet, Widowed Old Ladies Who Use Walkers and Live in Semi-Poverty on Their Meager Monthly Social Security Checks. The following is a transcript of my brave take down of hatred in America.
MI: Is this the headquarters of the Organization of Sweet, Widowed Old Ladies Who Use Walkers and Live in Semi-Poverty on Their Meager Monthly Social Security Checks?
Old Lady: Yes, what can I do for you young man?
MI: Old ladies always taste better when they’re full of hate!
Old Lady: I’m sorry young man, what are you referring to?
MI: Where’s my free water?
Old Lady: Did you say you were retaining water? That happens to me. It’s so painful on these old bones. It’s bad enough I have to use a walker and eat cat food.
MI: Do you know why I’m getting free water? Because the Organization of Sweet, Widowed Old Ladies Who use Walkers and Live in Semi-Poverty on Their Meager Monthly Social Security Checks is a hateful corporation. Just because someone wants to kiss another guy………….
Old Lady: Guy? Guy Lombardo? Oh me and my dear departed husband used to see him every New Year’s eve.
MI: I don’t know how you live with yourself.
Old Lady: I have to live with myself. My entire family is already dead. My husband….my brothers and sisters….
MI: You’re a horrible person with horrible values.
Old Lady: Please. I’m an old lady. Can you please leave me in peace? Please go away.
MI: I just did something real good. I feel purposeful.
Old Lady: Please. Please leave me alone.
MI: I’m a nice guy by the way. And totally heterosexual. I’m not – not a gay in me. Well, except for the trannies. And once I met Hugh Jackman in a bar and, well, things happen. But I’m not – not a gay in me. Is that your cat?
Old Lady: Yes, it’s my cat. He’s the joy of my life and the only thing I have left.
MI: [Picks up cat and breaks its neck.] I feel good. I feel purposeful!
Old Lady: [Shrieks] Oh my god what have you done to my cat?
MI: I can’t stand hatred. And dairy products. But mostly hatred. I hate hate-filled dairy products. Is that your walker you use to get around?
Old Lady: Oh please I beg of you. Leave.
MI: [Picks up walker and throws it against the wall, breaking it in two.] Purposeful! I feel purposeful!
Old Lady: Help. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
MI: God I feel empowered and purposeful!
And so I left the old lady from the Organization of Sweet, Widowed Old Ladies who Use Walkers and Live in Semi-Poverty on Their Meager Social Security Checks sobbing and cradling her dead cat in her arms. I feel so purposeful! I recommend all my readers be as purposeful as I am!
And for those of you who haven’t seen the clip this post is based on, here it is in all its glory:
And here is the reaction from said douche’s (former) employer:
Vante of Tuscon, Arizona Regrets Actions of Former CFO
(585)
Dude, you’ve been killing it lately.
When the news gets weird, you just get better.
Thanks for making me laugh.
*Shameless worship mode off.
Don’t you just hate haters? Me too.