Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Horoscope (The Befouled Edition)

What’s your sign, baby?

It is that time once again dear readers.  Yes, it’s time for my psychotropic medication your horoscope.  A service provided for sex free from the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel.

Aries (March 20 – April 20)

You have a Japanese sex robot.  But you didn’t build that.  Someone else did.  Which explains why the instructions are in Japanese.  Which explains why you didn’t use your sex robot properly.  Which explains why you are in the hospital with a crushed pelvis.  While you are recuperating in the hospital a Gemini will befoul your sex robot with his bodily fluids.  Normally this would make you angry.  But what do you expect from a Gemini?  Damn dirty Geminis!

Taurus (April 20 – May 21)

Ever the entrepreneur you will open the first Japanese Sex Robot cleaning service in the United States.  But you didn’t get there on your own.  Somebody along the line gave you some help.   There was a great teacher somewhere in your life who was addicted to Japanese sex robots.  Your first customer will be a Gemini who will bring a Japanese sex robot to you to be cleaned.  This will prove difficult as the sex robot is really, really befouled.  You will find yourself asking, “What is it with Geminis?  Damn dirty Geminis!”

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Japanese sex robot befouler!  No wonder no one at work wants to shake your hand.  I don’t even want to look at you.  You make me sick.  The Aries whose sex robot you stole wants it back.  Not that it’ll do him and his crushed pelvis any good.  Really.  He should have known what   あなたの骨盤に直接適用されません meant.  But what can you expect from an Aries?  They aren’t the most intelligent of signs.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You do I.T. work for a Japanese sex robot cleaning business.  Good for you.  But somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allows Japanese robot cleaning businesses to need computers.  But that’s not what I want to talk about.  One night while working late on the sex robot cleaning business’s computers you will fall in love with an especially befouled robot.  But you don’t care.  You don’t care about her past.  You just want to hold her.  And love her.  While watching Twilight movies. And you’re way too close to your mother.  If they only had Japanese sex robots back in high school you might have had a date to the prom.

Leo (July 22 – August 23)

Ever the peacemaker you will break up a fight between an Aries and a Gemini.  The police will arrest the Aries (and why not?)  The Gemini will thank you.  You will inquire as to why the two were fighting.  He will explain that the Aries is angry because he befouled his sex robot.  You will then beat up the Gemini.  Damn dirty Geminis! A man’s Japanese sex robot is sacred and should not be befouled by another man.  Unless you’re into it of course.  But only a Capricorn could be that kinky.  Damn promiscuous Capricorns!

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

A Capricorn will ask you if you are into it.  You reply no.  Unless “it” involves Japanese sex robots. But that’s just common sense.  Unless they are befouled.  But only a Gemini would befoul a sex robot.  Damn filthy Geminis.  And who wants to touch a befouled robot? No one.  That’s who. Excepting love-starved Cancers who are too close to their mothers that is.  You will also punch an Aries.  Why?  Why not.  They are a stupid sign anyway.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

You will help a Virgo beat up an Aries.  Why?  You have anger control issues and like to take it out on Aries.  Speaking of taking it out, your anger control issues no doubt are exacerbated by your lack of access to a clean Japanese sex robot.  You’re on a budget after all and cannot afford stuff like that.  You did break into a robot cleaning store once looking for a quick fix but the first robot you saw was especially befouled.   Probably from a Gemini you figure.  Damn filthy Geminis.  Still, they aren’t as bad as Capricorns who keep asking if you are into it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

You consider yourself a man of the world and are quite jaded sexually.  But then someone will invite you to a Japanese sex robot party. (Probably a Capricorn.)  This will change your life forever.  You will sell your children to buy money for a Japanese sex robot. A clean one. Pristine.  Never been touched before. Or so you thought.  It turns out the sex robot you bought was previously owned by a Cancer who used to hold her while listening to Kenny G.  This should shock and disgust you.  But hey, it’s a Cancer.  What do you expect?  Still someone has to pay so you will help a Virgo and a Libra beat up an Aries.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 22)

You are a stick in the mud, hopelessly behind the times.  Your only sex toy is an old-fashioned blow up doll.  And should a man with a heart condition like you have an inflatable doll?  You will have a heart attack attempting to inflate your sex toy.   Paramedics responding to the scene will find your body next to the half-inflated doll.  “If only he had a Japanese sex robot he’d probably still be alive” they will say. One of the paramedics will be a Capricorn and he will finish inflating the doll and befoul it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Who needs love? You’re into it baby.  Boy are you into it.  Even Geminis are shocked by your voracious sexual appetite.  A factory in Hiroshima,  Japan making sex robots will invite you on a tour of the factory in gratitude for your business. Unfortunately your Japanese is not that great and you will accidentally use the phrase “I have a nuclear bomb to blow up” instead of “Where is the sex robot factory” and will be arrested.  Your cell mate will be an Aries. You will beat him up. You will become the other prisoners personal sex robot. Hey, anything for a pack of smokes.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You are not into sex toys.  You are a neat freak who finds the thought of physical contact offensive.  That is until one day when a Gemini, knowing your neat freak ways will bring you his Japanese sex robot. “The store said it was too dirty to be cleaned” he will say. You will clean it and discover the joy of robot sex.  While befouling said robot a lonely Cancer who is probably too close to his mother will break into your house and demand the robot or your life.  You will offer him your Twilight DVDs instead which he will accept.  Hey, it’s a Cancer.  They are freaks anyway.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)

No one likes you.  You prefer to have sex with live people instead of Japanese sex robots. What are you?  A bassist in a rock band?  Well go ahead. Have sex with real people.  See if we care.  But give us something in return.  How about beating up an Aries?


3 Responses

  1. Hey! I didd to have a date the prom. So what if her last name was the same as mine. And , don’t you talk about my mommy!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: You think you have it bad. I’m a Capricorn. I had better brush up on my Japanese so there will be no misunderstandings.

  3. Capricorn is a smoker?

    What an awful disgusting habit.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my Japanese sex robot.

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