“I hate Hispanics” ~ Mark Teixeira

The above photo was taken by your humble blogger before the game.  It’s the new Yankee Stadium as seen from the approximate location of home plate at the old (and torn down) Yankee Stadium

Today the Yankees ended their home stand by playing the Seattle Pilots Mariners.   The Yankees started Freddy “Keep Mark Teixeira the hell away from me” Garcia (5-5 5.00) and the Mariners started Hisashi Iwakuma (2-3 4.20).

The Mariners got on the board first.  On the first pitch of the game Dustin Ackley hit a single.  He later moved to second on a fielder’s choice and scored on former Yankee Jesus “Yankee catcher of the future” Montero’s single.  1-0 Mariners after a half inning.

The Yankees tied it in the bottom of the first.  Curtis Granderson led off with a single and was put out 5-4 on a force play as Derek Jeter reached first. Jeter later went to third on a Robinson Cano double and scored on a Mark “I hate Hispanics” Teixeira single.   Tie score (1-1) after one inning.

The Yankees went ahead for good in the bottom of the second.  Our backup catcher Chris “Mark Teixeria hates Hispanics” Stewart who is batting 60 points higher than our starting catcher doubled.  He came around to score when Derek  “I have no comment on Tex hating Hispanics” Jeter reached first safely on Dustin Ackley’s error.  Why did Ackley commit an error?  Perhaps he too hates Hispanics.  I must investigate this further. 2-1 Yankees after two.

In the bottom of the fourth the Yankees scored again when Chris Stewart, who may or may not hate Hispanics, led off with a single.  He promptly stole second and scored on a Derek Jeter single.  3-1 Yankees after four.

The Pilots Mariners got a run back in the top of the fifth when Michael Saunders hit a double.  He then scored when Jesus “I don’t hate Hispanics.  Just the Irish” Montero singled. 3-2 Yankees after four and a half.

The Yankees scored in the bottom of the fifth when Raul Ibanez hit a home run into the right field bleachers.  Unfortunately it landed in the first row of section 205 and I sit in the first row of section 203.  Why did Raul hit it to section 205 and not 203 where I could have caught it?  Perhaps he too hates the Irish.  There’s too much hating going on in baseball!  4-2 Yankees after five innings.

The Yankees tacked on two more runs in the bottom of the sixth when Chris “hatin’” Stewart led off with a walk, went to second on a Curtis Granderson single and then reached third on a wild pitch.  After an intentional walk to Mark Teixeira (and here the evidence suggests the Pilots Mariners walked Tex to deny the hater the chance to hit) Raul Ibanez singled, scoring Stewart and Granderson.  6-2 Yankees after six.

And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

Alex Rodriguez (who hates himself and hence hates Hispanics as well) is currently on the DL with a broken hand and and won’t be back until September.  That didn’t stop him from tossing footballs before the game.

Why?  Perhaps because there aren’t very many Hispanics in football and he can toss a few footballs without hatin’.

Today was meet and greet day at the Stadium.  Season ticket holders who arrived early got a chance to shake hands with the Yankees.  And each Yankee pretty much responded in character.  Nick Swisher was very much the politician and was kissing babies and shaking hands.  Derek Jeter invited the more attractive (and non-Hispanic) females back to his place.  And Mark Teixeira shot Hispanics in the back as they were running away from him.

Note: I have no evidence Teixeria actually did this.  But as a member of the mainstream media since when do I need evidence if a story “feels” right.

Note:  I myself waited in line and attempted to impress the Yankees with my pitching arm.  They were not impressed by my 55 mile-per-hour fastball.  Or perhaps they just don’t like the Irish. Hatin’!  Hatin’ in the Bronx!

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Aeneas should have stayed with Dido in Carthage. F##$ destiny!  And Mark Teixeira hates Hispanics” didn’t seem to make much of an impression.  Mainly because everyone already knows Tex is hatin’!

Recommended reading material:

America in 1857:  A Nation on the Brink by Kenneth M. Stampp. (And yes he does have two P’s at the end of his name.)  Why?  Perhaps to confuse Hispanics.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I don’t hate Hispanics.  However the Dutch can go hell!  Damn dirty Dutch bastards!”

Well, that makes sense.  Who doesn’t hate the Dutch?

T.S. also of Philadelphia writes, “I don’t hate Hispanics.  But I do hate Cubans.”

Aren’t Cubans Hispanic?

T.S. also of Philadelphia also writes, “No.  They are Latino.”

I think T.S. sounds Dutch.

S.J. of Harlem, New York writes, “I don’t hate anybody.”

I f#$#ing hate you.

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My hatred is reserved for the prostitutes I killed and buried in my back yard.”

Were any Hispanic?  Dutch?

Correction:  Mark Teixeira does not hate Hispanics. He hates Latinos.  Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Vincent Padilla Claims Mark Teixeira Hates Latinos

And so my record this year stands at a respectable 6-3.  My next game is Sunday August 19th against the Bahstahn “Sawks Cack” Red Sox.

Go Yankees!

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