A week into the Summer Olympics in London and many teams have won medals, with the Chinese, the Americans and the South Koreans leading the pack. But one highly-touted team has yet to win a medal:  The Vulcan team.

After years of negotiations, the Vulcan High Council relented and let a contingent of Vulcans travel to London for the games.  Said a top official in London:

We really had high hopes for the Vulcan team.  Really we did. By having a nonhuman team competing in the events we hoped to highlight the diversity of London.  And when you think of the English, one naturally thinks of diversity.

Despite such high hopes, organizers knew they were in trouble when the Vulcan High Council chose as the official slogan of their team, “To compete without knowing the outcome is illogical.”

Halfway through the Olympics the Vulcans have not only not won any medals, they haven’t even finished in the top ten in any event.

“These guys (Vulcans) just seem to look down their noses at the concept of competition” said a judge.

A notorious example was the Vulcan beach volleyball team.  According to their coach the trouble started when they wouldn’t put on their bikinis.

I kept telling them it’s their uniform.  They said it didn’t make any sense to show off their bodies since they could play volleyball just as well in traditional Vulcan outfits.  I had to keep telling them it’s for the cable ratings.  They didn’t understand.  So finally I get them out onto the court and then they start complaining that the feeling of the sand between their toes was “highly illogical.”  I said, “Yeah, well be that as it may you better start playing or I’m gonna shove my highly illogical foot up your collective asses.”  And that’s when one of them told me that she wouldn’t mate with me if I was the last sentient being in the galaxy and she was deep into the most powerful Pon Farr ever experienced.  Whatever.  I’m through with them.  They’re bigger dicks than the South Koreans.

And the trouble is not confined to competition.  The Vulcan basketball team had to be disqualified when they tried to “mind-meld” with some dancers at a local strip club.

“We kept telling them ‘hands off the dancers….hands off the dancers'” said a bouncer.  “Who knew the pointy-eared freaks were so touchy-feely.”

Olympic organizers have conceded defeat with the off-worlders and have asked them to leave the games early.  And even that did not go well.

When we met with the Vulcan team and said we appreciated having them here and thanked them for coming one of them gets up and says, “Your insincerity has caused your trousers to oxidize at an alarming rate.”  F***ing Vulcan assholes.

Organizers for the 2016 Olympic games are not discouraged by the Vulcans and will continue to invite off-worlders.

We sent a delegation to the Klingon Home world to see if they’d be interested but once they found out the competition was not to the death they declined to attend.

The Ferengi were asked next.

When we told them the profits being made at the games they agreed immediately.

The Ferengi have chosen as their slogan, “Rule of acquisition no. 286.  There is profit in wearing bikinis during beach volleyball.”

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