Drone strikes have been much in the news recently.  Drone strikes against foreign nationals.  Drone strikes against U.S. citizens on foreign soil and now the possibility that the government might use drone strikes on U.S. soil.  With this controversial topic in mind I was surprised and honored when our Attorney General Eric Holder agreed to a sit-down with me.

MI:  Good afternoon Mr. Attorney General.

EH:  Good afternoon to you enemy of the state.

MI:  Enemy of the state?  Is this because of my webcam?  Listen that was just role play.

EH:  The government does not approve of role play.

MI:  I was just having fun.

EH:  The government does not approve of fun.

MI:  Okay.  Moving along.  You sent a letter to Senator Rand Paul in which you stated that the use of drone strikes on American soil against American citizens was hypothetically possible under given circumstances.

EH:  Yes.  Sometimes it may be necessary and appropriate under the constitution and the laws of the United States for the President to authorize the military to use lethal force within the territory of the United States.

MI:  The President has the authority to do that?

EH:  Yes.

MI:  Where does – 

EH:  He’s the President.  He can do anything he wants.  He has just authorized a drone strike against your house. [A drone takes out Manhattan Infidel’s residence.]

MI:  What the hell?

EH:  And a drone strike against your car [A drone strike takes out Manhattan Infidel’s car.]

MI:  Oh come on!  I just paid that off!

EH:  And a drone strike against your cat [A drone takes out Manhattan Infidel’s cat.]

Cat:  Meow!

MI:  Not my cat! No!

EH:  See.  The President has the authority to order all of that.

MI:  No he doesn’t.  His powers are limited under the constitution.  He has the power to make treaties and appoint ambassadors.  He’s the commander in chief of the Army, Navy and Air Force.  He also has the responsibility to ensure that the laws of the United States are faithfully executed.   What law right now authorizes drone strikes on U.S. soil against American citizens?

EH: The drone strike are………..accessing………accessing.

MI:  Excuse me?

EH:  Accessing.  Accessing.

MI:  What the – your skin is coming off.  Is that….is that metal underneath?

EH:  Accessing.

MI:  My god!  You’re a drone!

EH:  All your base are belong to us!

MI:  I have to get out of here.  I have to alert the American people!

EH:  You have no chance to survive.  Make your time.

MI:  To those of you who are reading this now.  You are the resistance!

My interview ended at this point as I set the Holder drone on fire.  As I ran away I caught one last look at the Holder drone as his skin burned off to reveal the titanium underneath.  We are doomed.

(761)

Famed socialist, friend to the poor, friend of Hollywood, close ally of Sean Penn redistributed his life today.  The announcement came at 4:25 local time by Venezuelan Vice President Nicolas Maduro.

It is true.  Our great leader is dead. Because he cared for the poor and the environment so much, and since he knew that by spontaneously respirating he was taking oxygen from others and leading to more global warming he bravely decided to hold his breath until his life force was redistributed.

Maduro also denies reports that Chavez’s death was the result of his two-year battle with cancer.

I spit on those reports.  Cancer is puny compared to Chavez.  He personally ripped out the cancer cells and threw them at a portrait of George W. Bush, the great Satan himself.  No!  It is an insult to even think that he died of cancer.  His redistribution from life is the result of his enemies – the capitalists, the Church, George W. Bush and Dora the Explorer.

Perhaps hardest hit by the announcement was Chavez’s good friend Sean Penn.  Penn, who had flown to Venezuela last week at reports of Chavez’s weakening condition would not immediately talk to reporters.

“Naturally he’s very distraught” said Penn’s spokesman.

Even though Penn didn’t live in Venezuela he often thought about his brave reforms while sitting in his mansion in Hollywood.  He loved Hugo and considered him a kindred spirit.

As news of Chavez’s death spread, crowds gathered in the capital of Caracas, carrying banners denouncing George Bush and Dora the Explorer and chanting “Muerte al gran George Bush satanás y el gran satanista Dora el explorador!”

Crowds marched to the U.S. embassy demanding the death of the ambassador Larry Leon Palmer.  Palmer, out of friendship for the poor of Venezuela, agreed to shoot himself and then set himself on fire in the ruins of the embassy.

From Washington, President Obama praised Chavez for his commitment to the poor.

Hugo Chavez was my idol and my model.  I admired him for the way he want after the fat cats.  I admired him for his environmental policies.  I admired him for actually being born on the American continent, something I can only aspire to.

He then blamed Ambassador Palmer’s death on a YouTube video.

In keeping with Chavez’s love for the environment his remains were put in a new tomb that been hewn in a rock.  Sean Penn, known in Venezuela as “the Hollywood disciple Hugo loved” ran to the tomb, saw Hugo’s remains and believed in redistribution.

President Obama has announced that flags will fly at half staff in memory of Chavez.

Dora the Explorer has gone into hiding.

(630)

The Friday deadline has come and gone. Sequestration is now the law of the land.  Drastic, life-changing 2.3 percent cuts to the budget reduction in planned increased spending is affecting everyone.  Even yours truly.

As soon as the sequestration was in place I was working the phones, calling up all my sources, trying to get to the bottom of the story.  Because I’m a reporter.  That’s what I do.  Okay, I was sitting by the phone waiting for Olivia Wilde to call.  She never did.  Why?  I bet she’s with another blogger.  Damn you King Shamus she’s with you now isn’t she? That does it. You are dead to me Shamus. Dead!

But I digress.  What I’ve found from working the phones eating pizza in my underwear and watching ScyFy is that the spending cuts are far worse than I originally thought.

I now present to you, my readers, the full scope of the spending cuts reduction in planned spending increases.  May god have mercy on us all!

• Charlie Sheen’s cocaine input will be reduced.

Said Sheen when informed of this:  “Democracy just doesn’t work.  I’d snort in disgust if I still had nostrils.”

• Charlie Sheen’s hooker allowance will also be reduced.

Sheen appeared to take the news in stride.  “I snorted my penis off a couple weeks back anyway.  No big deal.”

• Joan Rivers will be forced to cut back on plastic surgery.

Rivers was quite angry when told of this.  “I was looking forward to moving my labia above my forehead.  Come on!  I’m 126 years old.  I have to compete with younger labia movers!”

• Steve Tyler, formerly of Aerosmith, formerly of American Idol will be informed that that government-controlled supply of gerbil blood that is keeping him alive will no longer be available.

A distraught Tyler told reporters that “They can take away my guns.  But not my gerbils!”

• The blogger known as Manhattan Infidel will have to reduce his porn viewing by 2.3 percent.

Said the Infidel, “Oh God I’m done.”

• SWAT team across the United States will have their access to ammunition and assault weapons reduced.

According to one head of a rural SWAT team, this will make it much harder to do their job.  “How am I supposed to kill innocent civilians now?”

• And in perhaps the saddest example of the pain caused by sequestration, Paul McCartney fired Pete Best.  Again.

“With the budget cuts I just don’t have the money to hire him” said Sir Paul.

And this is just the tip of the funding cuts reduction in planned increased spending.

I’m sure I join all my readers in praying for President Obama that he may find a way to circumvent the sequestration and once again return America to the fat, bloated spectacle that only a crazy tea bagger couldn’t love.

(569)

Hello to all our fellow unarmed Americans from the Democratic National Committee!

Greetings and salutations!

By now you are reaping the many benefits of the Democratic party’s wise gun confiscation policy.  Crime has gone down (at least the bad types of crime.)  Our schools are safer and a new era of peace on Earth has been ushered in.

Still pockets of crime continue to exist (probably because some Republicans have refused to turn in their weapons).

We once again ask these recalcitrant home owners to turn in their weapons.  They have nothing to fear from the Party or the Government.  With this in mind we now give you some tips to safely turn in your firearms.  (We ask all our subjects to take advantage of this window.)

• In conjunction with our good friends in the hip hop community we are pleased to announce a “Guns for Beyonce Tickets” program.

Doesn’t that sounds like a great idea?  In return for being able to defend your home and loved ones you will receive free tickets to a Beyonce concert.  Good tickets too.  Sure, not as good as the private box seats Jay Z and other Democratic operatives sit in but good seats nonetheless.  You’ll be sitting so close it’ll feel like Beyonce is thrusting her pelvic region for you alone!

To get these pelvic-thrusting tickets all you have to do after turning in your weapon is register as a firearm offender with Homeland Security.

After registering as a firearm offender (and being banned from coming within 100 yards of a school) you will have to answer three easy questions:

1. Why did you have a gun?
2. Was it because you are a racist?
3. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?  Seriously. You should be ashamed of yourself.

That’s it.  That’s all you have to do.  Wasn’t that easy?  The Democratic Party, Beyonce, Jay-Z, President Obama and Mrs. Obama thank you.

• Now we in the Democratic Party recognize that not all Republicans like Beyonce or her pelvic-thrusting concerts.  Some of you may still refuse to give up your firearms forcing state and Federal SWAT teams to visit your domicile.  In order to spare the diffusion of blood we suggest that when confronted by a SWAT team you do the following:

Walk outside your house pointing your assault weapon at the SWAT team.  Proclaim in a voice loud enough for them to hear:  “This is my assault rifle!”

By doing this you will be showing your willingness to comply with law and morality.

If possible, run outside your house.  By running you will be showing not only willingness but eagerness.

If possible, while running shout “This is my assault rifle and it is loaded!”

By doing this you will be showing your that you wish to go above and beyond the law and turn in your ammunition as well.

By following these steps we at the Democratic National Committee feel confident that the scourge of gun violence will be eliminated from America forever.

God bless our Savior President Obama!

(574)

Since the days of Ronald Reagan it has become quite commonplace for actors to enter the realm of politics.  The latest actor to flirt with the idea of running for office is box office star Ashley Judd, who is considering challenging Mitch McConnell in the race for Senator from Kentucky.  I was lucky to snag an interview with Ms. Judd.

MI:  Good afternoon Ms. Judd.

AJ:  Thank you Manhattan Infidel it’s good to be here.

MI:  Let’s talk about your foray into politics.  You have talked about running for senator in Kentucky.

AJ:  Yes I believe that by running I will contribute to the political dialogue.  I believe I have much to offer the people of Kentucky.

MI:  Such as?

AJ:  I believe that the Patriarchy is destroying this country.

MI:  The, the Patriarchy?

AJ:  Yes. Of which you are a representative.

MI:  Well I – 

AJ:  Pig!

MI:  Could you explain to my readers more about how the Patriarchy is destroying America?

AJ:  Certainly. Pig.  To this day, a common vestige of male dominion over a woman’s reproductive status is her father ‘giving’ away her away to her husband at their wedding, and the ongoing practice of women giving up their last names in order to assume the name of their husband’s families, into which they have effectively been traded.

MI:  Well there are many people, women particularly, who look upon their father’s giving them away as a sweet and beautiful ceremony.

AJ:  Don’t interrupt me little person!

MI:  Now was that necessary?

AJ:  I’m not through talking about the Patriarchy.  Patriarchal religions, of which Christianity is one, gives us a God that is like a man, a God presented and discussed exclusively in male imagery, which legitimizes and seals male power. It is the intention to dominate, even if the intention to dominate is nowhere visible.

MI:  I see.  Are you insane?

AJ:  Yes.  But that’s beside the point. Throughout history men have tried to control the means of reproduction, which means trying to control woman.  I’d like to propose that the society in which we live is, in fact, extremist and radical. It is so skewed, massively out of balance; the result of one sex ruling and objectifying another for at least the last millennia.

MI:  Anything else you’d like to add?

AJ:  Yes.  [Sobbing]  My husband has left me.  Oh god my husband has left me!

MI:  Well maybe it’s your puffy face?

AJ:  It’s from sinus medication!

MI:  Are you sure?  Are you sure you didn’t have cosmetic surgery?  I mean you used to be so hot but I must say that during this entire interview I haven’t once thought about boning you.

AJ:  [Sobbing] My husband left me!  My husband left me!  I want him back!  I’m useless without a man in my life!

MI:  I’m telling you it’s your puffy face.

AJ:  [Gets up and runs away] My husband!  My husband!

And with that ended my interview with Kentucky senatorial candidate Ashley “Puffy Face” Judd.  I ask all my readers if they encounter Ms. Judd to show compassion.  I mean, it can’t be easy living with a puffy face like that.

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After safely winning reelection to a second term, President Andrew Jackson has vowed to sign into legislation any bow and arrow control bill that comes across his desk.

“Reports are coming in from the frontier of massacres of Americans at the hands of bow and arrow wielding Indians” said the President.

How long must our country suffer the scourge of bow and arrow violence?  Why do the Indians need bows and arrows anyway?  Who needs a bow and arrow to defend themselves in America today?

President Jackson then went on to call Indians “bow and arrow nuts” and “bitter clingers.”

Why do the Indians needs these weapons?  To defend themselves?  Defend themselves from what?  We’re not taking away their land. Okay, technically we are.  But we are giving them new lands in return.  That’s why we are forcing them to walk hundreds of miles.  And I don’t want to hear any of this “Trail of Tears” business.  If the Indians are crying it’s because they themselves know it’s time to give up their weapons.

Vice President Martin Van Buren, when speaking to reporters, has promised sweeping legislation.

I tell you, President Jackson has ideas.  He has about 19 ideas he’s going to unilaterally sign.  The bow and arrow will be a thing of the past.  It will be illegal.  No one will ever die from the bow and arrow again.  Our country will never know violence again.

Van Buren also stated that he and President Jackson would have preferred sending bills to congress and having them pass with substantial bilateral support.

But that just isn’t possible. Not with the Whig leadership so adamantly opposed to compromise on this issue.

Among the legislation to be signed by the President:

• A bow and arrow database that will show who owns a bow and arrow.  This database will be available to law enforcement.
• A tax on arrows.
• The banning of so-called “assault” or “automatic” bows.

The banning of the so-called “assault” and “automatic” bow is perhaps the most controversial, with many in the Democratic leadership disagreeing on what exactly constitutes the bow in question. For the purposes of President Jackson’s bill, an assault or automatic bow will be any bow that can be pulled back five feet, or has a handle.

“It’s for the children” said Jackson.

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