New York University President John Sexton announced today a new feminist curriculum to be offered in the Spring.

New York University, like all higher schools of learning prides itself on being in the forefront of indoctrinating, I mean educating, the youth of America.  This new curriculum will further establish NYU as a leader in this field.  And let me further say that as a colonial white male it is my hope that these courses will take away at least part of my guilt.

The full curriculum is still being put together but the following course have been confirmed:

• The Gun as a Symbol of Patriarchy 

In this ground-breaking course students are taught that gunpowder was invented by white men who were insecure about the size of their penises.  Once these instruments of patriarchal tyranny were invented men used them to keep womyn barefoot, pregnant and tied to the stove.  Male students who take this course are encouraged to take their shirts off and sit in front so they can be freely flogged by the female students for their crimes.

• My Fat Upper Pussy Area:  How the Patriarchy uses it to Keep me Down!

Taught by visiting professor Lena Dunham of HBO’s “Girls”, this course shows that the preponderance of Fat Upper Pussy Areas in American womyn is a direct result of their low self-esteem caused by sexist Republican policies.  “If the Republican white man takes away my free birth control how am I supposed to hop on every alpha cock I see?” Ms. Dunham plaintively asks.  “If I can’t cock hop my self esteem will suffer and I eat.” 

While not strictly forbidden from taking this course, men who sign up must pledge to demonstrate their love for FUPAs.

• My Strap-on is My Power! 

This course, taught in conjunction with the “Strap-on” minor teaches that strap-ons have empowered women to compete in the Patriarchy.  As the course description says, “The vagina is flat, supine.  It leads to subjection. Strap-ons give womyn new confidence.”

Men who take this course will be encouraged to wear strap-ons so that they may take part in the sufferings of womyn.

• The Bullet and the Penis:  Dual Harbingers of Patriarchal Oppression

Is is just a coincidence that bullets are shaped like penises?  No says this course.  “They both bring death and misery to the world.  Both should be strictly regulated.  Both should be banned within 50 yards of schools.”  It’s for the children!

If the new Feminist curriculum proves popular Sexton states that NYU may offer a “Dominatrix” major.

“I’m guilty and I need to be punished.  I need to be whipped.  I need my blood to flow” he said.

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