My Exclusive Interview with Buzz Lightyear

 What the hell do you mean I’m just a toy?

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to interview the ever popular toy, Buzz Lightyear.

MI:  Buzz it’s good to have you here.

BL:  Did you just call me a tool?

MI:  No you misunderstood me.  I called you a toy.

BL:  I don’t follow.  Why did you call me a toy?

MI:  Because you are a toy.

BL:  Yeah, right.  I’m Buzz Lightyear, space ranger from the Intergalactic Alliance currently stationed in the Gamma Quadrant of Sector 4.

MI:  Sure you are.

BLI’m trained in martial arts and am highly skilled in hand to hand combat.  I’m in peak physical condition.

MI:  You honestly have no idea.

BL:  No idea about what?  I’m a brave space ranger.  Look at my space suit.  This button activates my suit’s flight system.  This button contacts Star Command and this button shoots grappling hooks.

MI:  Look, Buzz, you’re not real.  You’re a toy.

BL:  Ha!  I heard you have a wacky sense of humor.  If I’m a toy then why do I have a girlfriend?  That’s right wise guy.  Jessie the cowgirl and I are in love. And not that it’s any of your business but we have consummated our relationship.

MI:  You have no genitalia.

BL:  What? 

MI:  That’s right.  Reach down there and see what you feel.

[Buzz reaches down to feel his midsection.]

BL:  There’s nothing down there!  Nothing!   Oh my god what happened?  Was I in an accident?  How do I tell Jessie? My god my genitalia. My manly genitalia.

MI:  It gets worse.

BL:  What can possibly be worse that that?

MI:  You have no soul.

BL:  What?

MI:  You’re made out of plastic.  You’re hollow.

BL:  No!  Buzz lightyear to Star Command, come in.  Come in Star Command!

MI:  There is no Star Command.  You’re a hollow, plastic, soulless toy.

BL:  Why are you telling me this?

MI:  I’m a reporter.  It’s my job to present the facts.

BL:  I have nothing to live for!

MIYou’re not alive.

BL:  Oh god I’m starting to hyperventilate.  Give me a paper bag to put over my head.

MI:  You can’t hyperventilate.  You have no lungs.

BL:  No!  I – I can’t talk anymore!  I have to be alone to process this.

MI:  So I guess the interview is over?  Oh well.  To infinity and beyond!

BL:  Oh go f*ck yourself!

And so ended my interview with Buzz Lightyear.  Jeesh.  What a drama queen!


4 Responses

  1. And you had no come back to his parting shot? Are you kidding me?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: It’s not worth getting into a pissing match with a plastic, soulless toy.

  3. You know Woody’s toy/real existential crisis was even more weepy and weird than this.

  4. Matt says:

    Hmm, no genitalia, no soul…must be a Democrat!

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