Slow-Moving Zombie Signed by Yankees

 Is this zombie the answer to the Yankees problems?

Despite winning 95 games and the American League Eastern Division last year many questions surround the Yankees at the start of Spring Training.  Shortstop Derk Jeter will be 39 this year and is recovering from a broken ankle.  AROD is out until July at the earliest.  Last year’s starting catcher is now with Pittsburgh.  Mariano Rivera is 42 and coming off knee surgery.  Will the Yankees be able to win this year?  With all these questions fans naturally looked to GM Brian Cashman.  Would he be able to pull off a blockbuster move before the start of the season?  Well it appears he has.  The Yankees announced today that they have signed a slow-moving zombie to a two-year deal.

“This slow-moving zombie is very versatile” declared Cashman at the press conference announcing the deal.

He can throw a ball.  He can field. We haven’t decided what position he will play yet and I don’t know exactly how a decomposing zombie will react to the heat of summer but still, come on.  You have to admit the Yankees are stronger already.

At his first day in camp reporters watched as the zombie took batting practice.

“He struck out a lot” said one reporter.  “So he’ll fit right in with Tex and Granderson”

“He seemed confused and unsure of himself at the plate” said another.  “And at one point he tried to eat the batting practice pitcher but I can see how he might bring a new dimension to the team.”

A third reporter remarked on how it took him 3 1/2 minutes to get from home plate to first base.

“That’s pretty damn slow but it still beats out Mark Teixeira so he’ll add some speed to the offense.”

When asked why he had signed the zombie Cashman responded that, being a zombie, he was pretty sure he wasn’t taking any performance-enhancing drugs.

That makes him different than most people on our team.  Besides, he’s undead.  And under our collective bargaining agreement with the Player’s Association that means that I don’t have to offer him arbitration.

Mike Lupica of the Daily News hailed the signing.

This zombie is not your traditional athlete.  He brings a certain air of intellectualism to the sport.  He reminds me Tony La Russa in many ways, only not as mobbed up.

As to the motives of the man who signed him, Cashman told reporters that

It would have been nice if I could have signed a young player.  And by that I mean someone around 40 or 41 years of age but the free agent market was slim this year. And we have to get our payroll down to get under the luxury tax.  And the zombie was cheap.

The final word remains with the zombie himself.  When introduced to reporters and asked what he hoped to contribute to the team he responded, “eat brain.”

“You see” said Lupica.  “The man’s an intellectual.”



4 Responses

  1. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: I’ll tell you what stinks: the Yankees chances of doing anything respectable in 2013.

  2. innominatus says:

    Does he bat right handed? Being slow, that would make him late on a lot of pitches. But that might be OK, since the right field is pretty shallow. Maybe he’ll get a lot of homers and you can get up for a beer (and a restroom break, and a hotdog, and an episode of Glee) while he circles the bases.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: This year looks very bad for the Yankees. Curtis Granderson broke his arm in the 2nd freaking game of spring training and is out until May.

    P.s. you were mentioned in my four year post. Prepare to be disintegrated.

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