After safely winning reelection to a second term, President Andrew Jackson has vowed to sign into legislation any bow and arrow control bill that comes across his desk.

“Reports are coming in from the frontier of massacres of Americans at the hands of bow and arrow wielding Indians” said the President.

How long must our country suffer the scourge of bow and arrow violence?  Why do the Indians need bows and arrows anyway?  Who needs a bow and arrow to defend themselves in America today?

President Jackson then went on to call Indians “bow and arrow nuts” and “bitter clingers.”

Why do the Indians needs these weapons?  To defend themselves?  Defend themselves from what?  We’re not taking away their land. Okay, technically we are.  But we are giving them new lands in return.  That’s why we are forcing them to walk hundreds of miles.  And I don’t want to hear any of this “Trail of Tears” business.  If the Indians are crying it’s because they themselves know it’s time to give up their weapons.

Vice President Martin Van Buren, when speaking to reporters, has promised sweeping legislation.

I tell you, President Jackson has ideas.  He has about 19 ideas he’s going to unilaterally sign.  The bow and arrow will be a thing of the past.  It will be illegal.  No one will ever die from the bow and arrow again.  Our country will never know violence again.

Van Buren also stated that he and President Jackson would have preferred sending bills to congress and having them pass with substantial bilateral support.

But that just isn’t possible. Not with the Whig leadership so adamantly opposed to compromise on this issue.

Among the legislation to be signed by the President:

• A bow and arrow database that will show who owns a bow and arrow.  This database will be available to law enforcement.
• A tax on arrows.
• The banning of so-called “assault” or “automatic” bows.

The banning of the so-called “assault” and “automatic” bow is perhaps the most controversial, with many in the Democratic leadership disagreeing on what exactly constitutes the bow in question. For the purposes of President Jackson’s bill, an assault or automatic bow will be any bow that can be pulled back five feet, or has a handle.

“It’s for the children” said Jackson.

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