Famed socialist, friend to the poor, friend of Hollywood, close ally of Sean Penn redistributed his life today.  The announcement came at 4:25 local time by Venezuelan Vice President Nicolas Maduro.

It is true.  Our great leader is dead. Because he cared for the poor and the environment so much, and since he knew that by spontaneously respirating he was taking oxygen from others and leading to more global warming he bravely decided to hold his breath until his life force was redistributed.

Maduro also denies reports that Chavez’s death was the result of his two-year battle with cancer.

I spit on those reports.  Cancer is puny compared to Chavez.  He personally ripped out the cancer cells and threw them at a portrait of George W. Bush, the great Satan himself.  No!  It is an insult to even think that he died of cancer.  His redistribution from life is the result of his enemies – the capitalists, the Church, George W. Bush and Dora the Explorer.

Perhaps hardest hit by the announcement was Chavez’s good friend Sean Penn.  Penn, who had flown to Venezuela last week at reports of Chavez’s weakening condition would not immediately talk to reporters.

“Naturally he’s very distraught” said Penn’s spokesman.

Even though Penn didn’t live in Venezuela he often thought about his brave reforms while sitting in his mansion in Hollywood.  He loved Hugo and considered him a kindred spirit.

As news of Chavez’s death spread, crowds gathered in the capital of Caracas, carrying banners denouncing George Bush and Dora the Explorer and chanting “Muerte al gran George Bush satanás y el gran satanista Dora el explorador!”

Crowds marched to the U.S. embassy demanding the death of the ambassador Larry Leon Palmer.  Palmer, out of friendship for the poor of Venezuela, agreed to shoot himself and then set himself on fire in the ruins of the embassy.

From Washington, President Obama praised Chavez for his commitment to the poor.

Hugo Chavez was my idol and my model.  I admired him for the way he want after the fat cats.  I admired him for his environmental policies.  I admired him for actually being born on the American continent, something I can only aspire to.

He then blamed Ambassador Palmer’s death on a YouTube video.

In keeping with Chavez’s love for the environment his remains were put in a new tomb that been hewn in a rock.  Sean Penn, known in Venezuela as “the Hollywood disciple Hugo loved” ran to the tomb, saw Hugo’s remains and believed in redistribution.

President Obama has announced that flags will fly at half staff in memory of Chavez.

Dora the Explorer has gone into hiding.

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