Turn in Your Firearms! A Message From the Democratic National Committee

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Hello to all our fellow unarmed Americans from the Democratic National Committee!

Greetings and salutations!

By now you are reaping the many benefits of the Democratic party’s wise gun confiscation policy.  Crime has gone down (at least the bad types of crime.)  Our schools are safer and a new era of peace on Earth has been ushered in.

Still pockets of crime continue to exist (probably because some Republicans have refused to turn in their weapons).

We once again ask these recalcitrant home owners to turn in their weapons.  They have nothing to fear from the Party or the Government.  With this in mind we now give you some tips to safely turn in your firearms.  (We ask all our subjects to take advantage of this window.)

  • In conjunction with our good friends in the hip hop community we are pleased to announce a “Guns for Beyonce Tickets” program.

Doesn’t that sounds like a great idea?  In return for being able to defend your home and loved ones you will receive free tickets to a Beyonce concert.  Good tickets too.  Sure, not as good as the private box seats Jay Z and other Democratic operatives sit in but good seats nonetheless.  You’ll be sitting so close it’ll feel like Beyonce is thrusting her pelvic region for you alone!

To get these pelvic-thrusting tickets all you have to do after turning in your weapon is register as a firearm offender with Homeland Security.

After registering as a firearm offender (and being banned from coming within 100 yards of a school) you will have to answer three easy questions:

  1. Why did you have a gun?
  2. Was it because you are a racist?
  3. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?  Seriously. You should be ashamed of yourself.

That’s it.  That’s all you have to do.  Wasn’t that easy?  The Democratic Party, Beyonce, Jay-Z, President Obama and Mrs. Obama thank you.

  • Now we in the Democratic Party recognize that not all Republicans like Beyonce or her pelvic-thrusting concerts.  Some of you may still refuse to give up your firearms forcing state and Federal SWAT teams to visit your domicile.  In order to spare the diffusion of blood we suggest that when confronted by a SWAT team you do the following:

Walk outside your house pointing your assault weapon at the SWAT team.  Proclaim in a voice loud enough for them to hear:  “This is my assault rifle!”

By doing this you will be showing your willingness to comply with law and morality.

If possible, run outside your house.  By running you will be showing not only willingness but eagerness.

If possible, while running shout “This is my assault rifle and it is loaded!”

By doing this you will be showing your that you wish to go above and beyond the law and turn in your ammunition as well.

By following these steps we at the Democratic National Committee feel confident that the scourge of gun violence will be eliminated from America forever.

God bless our Savior President Obama!



2 Responses

  1. This is a great plan. I’ll go along just as soon as all government entities give up their guns, including those fun loving Secret Service folks. Leading by example is my motto.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: No doubt you are a racist teabagger! Imagine citizens wanting to keep their inalienable rights.

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