The Friday deadline has come and gone. Sequestration is now the law of the land.  Drastic, life-changing 2.3 percent cuts to the budget reduction in planned increased spending is affecting everyone.  Even yours truly.

As soon as the sequestration was in place I was working the phones, calling up all my sources, trying to get to the bottom of the story.  Because I’m a reporter.  That’s what I do.  Okay, I was sitting by the phone waiting for Olivia Wilde to call.  She never did.  Why?  I bet she’s with another blogger.  Damn you King Shamus she’s with you now isn’t she? That does it. You are dead to me Shamus. Dead!

But I digress.  What I’ve found from working the phones eating pizza in my underwear and watching ScyFy is that the spending cuts are far worse than I originally thought.

I now present to you, my readers, the full scope of the spending cuts reduction in planned spending increases.  May god have mercy on us all!

• Charlie Sheen’s cocaine input will be reduced.

Said Sheen when informed of this:  “Democracy just doesn’t work.  I’d snort in disgust if I still had nostrils.”

• Charlie Sheen’s hooker allowance will also be reduced.

Sheen appeared to take the news in stride.  “I snorted my penis off a couple weeks back anyway.  No big deal.”

• Joan Rivers will be forced to cut back on plastic surgery.

Rivers was quite angry when told of this.  “I was looking forward to moving my labia above my forehead.  Come on!  I’m 126 years old.  I have to compete with younger labia movers!”

• Steve Tyler, formerly of Aerosmith, formerly of American Idol will be informed that that government-controlled supply of gerbil blood that is keeping him alive will no longer be available.

A distraught Tyler told reporters that “They can take away my guns.  But not my gerbils!”

• The blogger known as Manhattan Infidel will have to reduce his porn viewing by 2.3 percent.

Said the Infidel, “Oh God I’m done.”

• SWAT team across the United States will have their access to ammunition and assault weapons reduced.

According to one head of a rural SWAT team, this will make it much harder to do their job.  “How am I supposed to kill innocent civilians now?”

• And in perhaps the saddest example of the pain caused by sequestration, Paul McCartney fired Pete Best.  Again.

“With the budget cuts I just don’t have the money to hire him” said Sir Paul.

And this is just the tip of the funding cuts reduction in planned increased spending.

I’m sure I join all my readers in praying for President Obama that he may find a way to circumvent the sequestration and once again return America to the fat, bloated spectacle that only a crazy tea bagger couldn’t love.

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