You say Poetry Jam I say pure genius.

Proving once again his mastery over the elemental forces of life, President Obama held a poetry jam today in the White House, an event that could possibly be the most important thing to ever happen in the history of the world.  Dazzled reporters were left temporarily at a loss for words. The Sun rose in the west.  Sea levels receded and The White Hispanic laid down with the True Hispanic.

Using at its theme the Newtown tragedy first up was Attorney General Eric Holder who read his poem entitled “I Walked the Halls.”

I saw dried blood on the walls

I walked the halls where these unspeakable acts took place

I saw horrific crime scene photos

Yeaaaaaaaaa!

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

I keep my eyes wide open because who knows when the gun nuts will strike again

I saw the dried blood on the walls

Because I have brains in my hand

I walk the halls

Holder’s poem left people in tears.  After a three minute standing ovation it was Vice President Joe Biden’s turn as he read from his poem called  “Zapruder in Connecticut.”

Riddled!

Riddled!

Not Just Shot.  Riddled!

Skulls blown open!

Brains in my hand

Gruesome dripping blood

Limbs shot off

Skulls exploded

It’s Zapruder in Connecticut

Gunshots bitches

Biden’s poem ended with the audience stunned, moved to silence by his mastery of words.  Obama ally Senator Dianne Feinstein was next with her poem “Doubting NRA.”

Describe the wounds

Describe the bullet holes in these small bodies

Imploding bullets in block of flesh-like substance

NRA?

NRA put your finger in the bullet holes

You have learned to believe

because you have seen the effects of gun violence

Blessed are those who have not seen and abhor gun violence

Top-rated talk show host phenomenon Piers Moran read a portion from his new book, “I know what’s best for America.”

Tell me about it

The dried blood

Tell me all about it

I want to know every detail

The stench of blood

Excites me

Take me back to that day

I want to live it over and over again

Blood, gore

Bullets shooting through flesh

I want to see the pictures

For the children

Noted documentarian Michael Moore read a poem entitled “See!”

Let us see

At close range

Flesh torn off babies

Let us see bullets out of a

Bushmaster and what they do

to little babies bodies

Violence in act

Violence in speech

is wrong

Flesh torn off by a fusillade of bullets

This is why we need abortion

Mothers aborting their children in the womb

will prevent flesh being torn off by bullets

Departing from protocol somewhat, Moore read his entire work while eating a double bacon cheeseburger.  Critics speculated that perhaps the double bacon cheeseburger was a prop that was supposed to represent the flesh of babies being torn apart and that his teeth represented an assault rifle.

The poetry jam ended with former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who read a poem called “Howl at the fusillade.”

I saw the best babies of my generation

destroyed by bullets

dragging themselves through the kindergarten streets at dawn

Looking for an angry fix

Semen!

Semen on a blue dress

What does this have to do with gun violence?

I don’t know but I wanted to shoot Bill when I found out about

Semen on a blue dress!

And with that the poetry jam was over.  President Obama thanked everyone who attended and reminded them that “We have work ahead of us.  The Republicans, you know, are obsessed with violence.”

He then invited everyone into the dining room to feast on blood pudding.

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A guilty looking Mitch McConnell

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has had his office bugged, leading to embarrassing revelations about his campaign against the puffy-faced martyr Ashley Judd.

“This is just like Watergate” said Democratic National Committee chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

The similarities are striking.  In Watergate we had an evil Republican seeking dirt on political opponents.  Now we have an evil Republican seeking dirt on political opponents.  In Watergate Nixon ordered the break in of the Democratic National Committee’s headquarters.  Now we have a Republican whose office is illegally wiretapped.  Um.  You know what.  Let’s not talk about the wiretapping.  That it irrelevant.  Instead let’s talk about the climate of hate that spewed from McConnell.  That’s the real story. Not the so-called “bugging” of his office.  I mean he’s a Republican. He deserved to be bugged  And I thank god we did so we could find out exactly how hate-filled this man is.

Ashley Judd (Puffy Faced-TN) expressed outrage over the bugging.

I am shocked and outraged that McConnell would say such things about me.  This is yet just another example of the politics of personal destruction practiced by McConnell and his ilk.  How the tape came into being is irrelevant.  It doesn’t matter if his office was bugged.  The important issue here is that he said bad things about me. And that’s not nice. And not being nice is not nice.  Almost as not nice as pink fuzzy socks on a rack.

A Kentucky Democratic operative claimed that a local liberal group was behind the so-called bugging but that it was not a big deal.

They used an iPhone.  And iPhones are cool.  See.  Totally not illegal or creepy like Watergate. Besides technically it wasn’t his office that was bugged.  The iPhones have great microphones.  We were actually standing outside his office taping the conversation.  Again, with an iPhone.  And iPhones are cool.  Just like Steve Jobs.  This was totally not Nixonian.  Besides why are we talking about the so-called bugging?  The important issue at stake is the mean things he said about Ashley Judd.  That’s what we should be talking about.  We should concentrate on achieving social justice for puffy faced people everywhere!

Democratic National Committee spokesman Brad Woodhouse says that the party does not condone secret tapings.

We would never secretly tape someone.  Not like Nixon.  But this was a semi-public taping using an Apple product. So I don’t understand the outrage over the so-called taping.  It’s manufactured outrage.  What we should be talking about is the comments McConnell made.  Now we can see what sort of person he really is.

Indeed there have been calls from around the nation for McConnell to step down from office for allowing himself to be bugged.  A group calling  itself “Justice for Puffy Faced” has asked for his resignation.

“By letting his office be bugged McConnell has proven himself unfit for public office” said their spokesman.

Meanwhile the FBI has become involved in the investigation.  Said a representative from their Louisville office:

We probably should look into it.  Yeah, I suppose it was an illegal bugging.  Then again I  work for the FBI so it’s not like I know anything about the law.  But you know what bugs me?  The things McConnell said on that tape. That is the important issue.  That is what we should be investigating!

As for McConnell, he remains defiant (and hateful.)

“I will not resign or apologize.  I have done nothing wrong.  And Ashley Judd is a puffy faced insane woman.”

Note:  Senator McConnell may not have actually said the last part about Ashley Judd.  But it has a ring of higher truth to it.  I call upon all America to bug the offices of all Republicans.  This must be done to weed out hatred.

It’s for the children.

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Republicans think this is ghoulish. Teabaggers!

It has been announced that President Barack Obama has agreed to appear on Season 17 of Dancing with the Stars.

“President Obama is excited about the opportunity” said Press Secretary Jay Carney

As a sophisticated intellect he enjoys opportunities like these to get away from the stresses of being America’s chief executive.  Why just the other day at a private White House party when we were watching Justin Timberlake perform the President said to me, “I enjoy this.  It makes me forget that I had to shut down the White House tours because the evil Republicans had forced me to implement the sequester.”

A spokesman for Dancing with the Stars told reporters that “There are two things that Dancing with the Stars prides itself on.”

One of them is our ability to get the top stars, the people that Americans are most fascinated with to perform on our show.  The second thing we pride ourself on is our judges ability to take it up the ass.  But perhaps I shouldn’t talk about that.  We already had evil on the show.  I won’t even mention her name but it was the spawn of that horrible ex-governor of Alaska.  So why not have goodness itself on the show?  So that’s why we are so excited to have President Obama this year.

As to who will be the President’s dancing partner, Lindsay Lohan and Lena Dunham were the two top prospects mentioned.

Sadly we had to go without either.  Lohan kept failing the drug test and Dunham couldn’t pass the physical.

So while President Obama as of yet does not have a dancing partner his first dance number has been revealed.  Entitled “Dancing on the Graves of Murdered Children” it will have President Obama and his as of yet unnamed partner dancing in a graveyard as they try to avoid evil undead zombies.

Having President Obama dance on graves of children will show his compassion.  And the evil undead zombies trying to stop him will represent the Republicans.  It’s all very symbolic and deep you see.  Totally befitting a man of the President’s intellect.

A sketch has been released showing an artist’s representation of the dance number.

This is so cool! And it’s for the children.

As for the musical number, it has been decided that Patty Smyth’s “The Warrior”  will be used.  Special lyrics will be inserted into the song just for the occasion which go:

Shooting  at the Second Amendment

Bang Bang I am the Socialist

Victory is mine

No one is more excited to be appearing on the show than President Obama himself, who believes the opportunity can be used to further his gun control agenda.

Ever since the tragedy at Newtown this administration has used every opportunity available to promote gun control.  And while Americans overwhelmingly support me I have been blocked from implementing my policies by Republicans.  Republicans who like gun violence.  But we all know Republicans are helpless in the face of pop culture.  That’s why I’m going on Dancing with the Stars.  Even if I don’t win I will defeat the Republicans.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has asked for equal time.

I’d like to be on the show. I’m cool.  Not like people say.  I even have a song picked out.  It’s by The DeFranco Family.  But if we can’t get the rights to that maybe the Starland Vocal Band.

Dancing with the stars has declined to invite Boehner.

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It’s for the children! And if you disagree you’re racist.

Being a well-known and respected blogger can mean only one thing:  I’m very lonely.  I report the issues of the day.  You see, I consider this blog a public trust. I have a responsibility to pass onto my readers facts that will make them think.  And so dear readers I now present with limited commercial interruption President Obama’s remarks at Newtown, Connecticut on April 8th, 2013.

Remember, we all must learn to live with our freedoms abridged.  It’s for the children.  And if you disagree with me you’re racist.

Hello Connecticut! [applause].  And fuck you [silence].  Who the hell put that on the teleprompter?  Anyway I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories again and again and again and again.  We can’t get too much of this guilt porn!  It’s for the children!  [applause].

Every family int this state was shaken by the tragedy of that morning.  Every family in this country was shaken by the tragedy of that morning. While technically that is not true it’s for the children! [applause.]

We hugged our kids more tightly. Well, the kids we know we have fathered. And as a society we decided that we must change.  But how?  Republicans say we should teach values.  They say that what happened was the result of evil.  But we know the truth: There is no evil that cannot be overcome by socialism and government regulation! It’s for the children! [applause].

And Newtown, we want you to know that we are here with you.  Until we leave to go back to New York City for another shopping spree.  Then it’s aboard Air Force One to Martha’s Vineyard.  Ever been there?  Love that place.  It’s nicer than this backwater town.  [silence].  I mean, it’s for the children! [applause].

Last week in Martha’s Vineyard, I mean Connecticut your elected leaders responded. The governor and the Connecticut legislature, many of whom who are here today with their armed bodyguards, passed the most restrictive gun laws in our nation.  Well, second to New York.  But they have an Italian governor.  And the Italians are all mobbed up so do what they say.  Seriously, those greasy garlic eaters scare me.  [silence].  I mean, it’s for the children! [applause].

Connecticut is not alone.  New York, Colorado and Maryland have all passed restrictive gun laws.  Oh sure, the economy in those states suck and people are leaving by the thousands every week and one of the few businesses they have – gun makers – have left for other states since those laws passed putting thousands more out of work…….I lost my train of thought. Oh, it’s for the children! [applause].

I’m proud to say that my hometown of Chicago – go Bulls! – also has restrictive gun laws and gun violence is unheard of in that city. [silence].  Seriously. [silence].  This proves that gun laws can bring down crime.  [silence].  It’s for the children! [applause].

Now there is only one thing that can stand in the way of change – that’s the politics in Washington.  How dare those Republicans oppose my will.  Is that how Democracy works?  Where opposition is allowed to oppose the will of one man?  I remind you that I am a constitutional scholar and I say no!

Martha’s Vineyard, I mean Connecticut.  This is not about me. This is about my legacy.  This is not about politics. It’s about me. [confused silence.]

Audience member:  What about the children? [applause].

It’s for the children! [applause].

So let’s do the right thing.  Let’s get this done.  Martha’s Vineyard I thank you. [silence]. Allah bless you.  Allah bless the Soviet Union! [silence]

My name is Barack Obama and I eat dog.  [silence].

I eat dog for the children! [silence].

I eat your children’s dogs [boos].

I think I’ve lost these stupid rubes.  I can’t wait to get to Martha’s Vineyard and go wind surfing with James Taylor.  What?  The microphone is still on?

It’s for the children!   [Tomatoes are thrown up on stage.]

Oh fuck these rubes.  They deserve to have their children shot.

And there you have it.  The president’s speech.  Don’t thank me.  It’s for the children.

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