Firing assholes can lead to a slippery slope.

Rutgers University basketball coach Mike Rice was fired after a video hit the internet showing him bullying his players.

Said the athletic director for Rutgers:

Naturally I’m as shocked as anybody to discover that the basketball coach I hired is an asshole.  In all the years that I’ve been involved in college sports I have never, ever encountered a coach who yelled or bullied his players. Never!  This is unheard of!  Until now all the coaches I’ve ever met have been gentle and humble, good with children and they called their mothers every week.  So the moment I found out that Mike Rice was an asshole well I had to take action.  I apologize to all the players on the team whose feelings may have been hurt.  I apologize to Rutgers students who aren’t on the team whose feelings may have been hurt.  I apologize to anyone not attending Rutgers who may have seen the video and whose feelings were hurt. And most of all I’d like to apologize to my mother for not calling her more often.

The college basketball coaching fraternity reacted swiftly to the firing of Rice. Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski told reporters that “It was a sad day for the coaching fraternity.”

In all my years of coaching I have never yelled or swore at a player. Absolutely never!  That kind of behavior is just not acceptable.  Sure we all want to win but yelling at my athletes is not the way to do it.  So let me reiterate.  I have never raised my voice to a student. And I call my mother every week.  In fact I’m going to call her now.  What?  What the hell do you mean she’s on the phone with Jim Calhoun?

Syracuse Orange head coach Jim Boeheim personally reached out to the unfortunate Rutgers athletes who were victimized by the bullying.

I called each and every one of them and told them not to get discouraged.  All of America admires their bravery in the face of such outlandish bullying.  And I told them that if there was ever anything they needed to give me a call.  I would recruit them myself but unfortunately they all suck.  No wonder Rice yelled at them.  Did I just say that?  I mean I’m going to call my mother now.  What? What the hell do you mean she’s on the phone with Jim Calhoun?

Still others are worried that firing Rice for being an asshole sends the wrong message.

A spokeswomen for MAAD (Mothers Against Assholes who aren’t Democrats) said that while Rice was an asshole he shouldn’t have been fired.

“There are other, bigger assholes out there who need to be fired.”

When pressed for examples she cited drill sergeants

An asshole drill sergeant yelling.

headmasters

An asshole head master bullying young men

and bloggers.

A blogger, perhaps Manhattan Infidel not yelling but being an asshole

Under pressure to act, Congress has passed a bill authorizing the confiscation of so-called “Automatic assault assholes.”

“It’s important that we not have assholes roaming the streets” said Carolyn Maloney (D-NY).  “Unless of course they call their mothers regularly.  And vote for us.”

In a related note, former University of Connecticut basketball coach and asshole Jim Calhoun has said that he is going to personally call everyone’s mother.

“I just hope that by doing this I won’t have to spend as much time in purgatory.’

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