It’s for the children! And if you disagree you’re racist.

Being a well-known and respected blogger can mean only one thing:  I’m very lonely.  I report the issues of the day.  You see, I consider this blog a public trust. I have a responsibility to pass onto my readers facts that will make them think.  And so dear readers I now present with limited commercial interruption President Obama’s remarks at Newtown, Connecticut on April 8th, 2013.

Remember, we all must learn to live with our freedoms abridged.  It’s for the children.  And if you disagree with me you’re racist.

Hello Connecticut! [applause].  And fuck you [silence].  Who the hell put that on the teleprompter?  Anyway I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories again and again and again and again.  We can’t get too much of this guilt porn!  It’s for the children!  [applause].

Every family int this state was shaken by the tragedy of that morning.  Every family in this country was shaken by the tragedy of that morning. While technically that is not true it’s for the children! [applause.]

We hugged our kids more tightly. Well, the kids we know we have fathered. And as a society we decided that we must change.  But how?  Republicans say we should teach values.  They say that what happened was the result of evil.  But we know the truth: There is no evil that cannot be overcome by socialism and government regulation! It’s for the children! [applause].

And Newtown, we want you to know that we are here with you.  Until we leave to go back to New York City for another shopping spree.  Then it’s aboard Air Force One to Martha’s Vineyard.  Ever been there?  Love that place.  It’s nicer than this backwater town.  [silence].  I mean, it’s for the children! [applause].

Last week in Martha’s Vineyard, I mean Connecticut your elected leaders responded. The governor and the Connecticut legislature, many of whom who are here today with their armed bodyguards, passed the most restrictive gun laws in our nation.  Well, second to New York.  But they have an Italian governor.  And the Italians are all mobbed up so do what they say.  Seriously, those greasy garlic eaters scare me.  [silence].  I mean, it’s for the children! [applause].

Connecticut is not alone.  New York, Colorado and Maryland have all passed restrictive gun laws.  Oh sure, the economy in those states suck and people are leaving by the thousands every week and one of the few businesses they have – gun makers – have left for other states since those laws passed putting thousands more out of work…….I lost my train of thought. Oh, it’s for the children! [applause].

I’m proud to say that my hometown of Chicago – go Bulls! – also has restrictive gun laws and gun violence is unheard of in that city. [silence].  Seriously. [silence].  This proves that gun laws can bring down crime.  [silence].  It’s for the children! [applause].

Now there is only one thing that can stand in the way of change – that’s the politics in Washington.  How dare those Republicans oppose my will.  Is that how Democracy works?  Where opposition is allowed to oppose the will of one man?  I remind you that I am a constitutional scholar and I say no!

Martha’s Vineyard, I mean Connecticut.  This is not about me. This is about my legacy.  This is not about politics. It’s about me. [confused silence.]

Audience member:  What about the children? [applause].

It’s for the children! [applause].

So let’s do the right thing.  Let’s get this done.  Martha’s Vineyard I thank you. [silence]. Allah bless you.  Allah bless the Soviet Union! [silence]

My name is Barack Obama and I eat dog.  [silence].

I eat dog for the children! [silence].

I eat your children’s dogs [boos].

I think I’ve lost these stupid rubes.  I can’t wait to get to Martha’s Vineyard and go wind surfing with James Taylor.  What?  The microphone is still on?

It’s for the children!   [Tomatoes are thrown up on stage.]

Oh fuck these rubes.  They deserve to have their children shot.

And there you have it.  The president’s speech.  Don’t thank me.  It’s for the children.

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