Gun violence at its worst

Shortly after three pm local time two bombs went off at the finish line of the Boston Marathon.

In the 24 hours since the tragedy unfolded and with no hard news as to who is responsible, I, as a member of the mainstream media must lay the blame squarely at the feet of the Republican party.  I have on the line New York Times reporter Nicholas Kristoff.  Nicholas, what can you tell me?

Kristoff: The ATF needs a director. Shame on the Republicans for blocking this.  Because the Republicans played politics people are dead today.

MI: Sounds about right to me.

Kristoff:Let me just say that today there are no Democrats and Republicans. We are all Americans.

MI:Really?

Kristoff: Well, except for the Republicans of course.

MI: Thank you Mr. Kristoff.

Let me next speak with a runner, a marathon runner who was actually at the scene of the man-caused disaster.    Hello, are you on the line?

Marathon runner:  Yes I am here.

MI: Can you tell me what happened?

Marathon runner: I was just about to finish and I heard an explosion and smoke.  It was a bomb.

MI:Are you sure it was a bomb?  Could it have possibly been an assault rifle?  Could it have possibly have been more gun violence?

Marathon runner:What?  No.  It was a bomb.  I heard a big boom.

MI: Are you sure it wasn’t a rat-tat-tat of an assault rifle?  It is Patriot’s day in Massachusetts, and tax day.  Are you sure it was a bomb and not the rat-a-tat-tat of an assault rifle manned by a right-wing extremist?

Marathon runner:It was not an assault rifle.  It was a bomb. I know it was a bomb.

MI:So you’re a bomb expert now?

Marathon runner: No I’m just a marathon runner.

MI: So you’re ignorant? Good bye.

My next guest is – tell me who you are?

Marathon runner 2: I’m a marathon runner.

MI:  Are you sure you’re not a teabagger?

Marathon runner 2: No.  I run marathons.

MI:How many guns do you own?

Marathon runner 2: I don’t own any.

MI: Can you tell me about the fusillade of bullets at the finish line?

Marathon runner 2:What are you talking about?  It was a bomb.

MI:You are useless to me.  Why must you lie?  Goodbye.

And so while the facts are still coming in and a suspect has not as of yet been identified, I am confident that the guilty party was a teabagging marathon runner carrying an assault rifle.

We must ban assault marathon runners!  It’s for the children.

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