Pyle I bet you’re the type of marine to f*ck someone in the a** and not even give them the courtesy of a reach-around!

Gunnery Sergeant Vince Carter of the United States Marines freely admits he is frustrated with the new breed of recruits.

“I just don’t understand kids anymore” he said.

I’ve been in the marines 16, or 18 or 19 years I don’t remember.  I’ve always been tough with my recruits.  And they respected me.  But the new marines?  Punks all of them.  Especially this Pyle character.  I mean I know times have changed.  Don’t ask don’t tell and all that. I know we are supposed to be politically correct and sensitive but really.  How am I supposed to do my job if I have to hold everyone’s hand?  What ever happened to the good old days when you could scream at some kid and not have to worry about him crying?

When asked if he had any specific complaints about the modern marine, Carter throws his hands in the air and spits out one word in disgust:  Pyle!

One of my favorite things, and I’ve used it for years is to yell at a recruit and say “I bet you’re the type of man who’ll f*ck a man in the a** and not even give him the courtesy of a reach-around.”  The line shocks the kids into paying attention.  It used to always work.  Well one day I used that line on Pyle and you know what happened?  He just smiled and said, “Oh Sarge you know that’s not true.  I always give reach arounds.  It’s  just common courtesy and downright neighborly.”

Now I’m the one being shocked.  And I don’t like it.  I’m supposed to make these kids killing machines.  One day I caught Pyle writing “Make love” on the walls of the barracks.  I said “What is this?  Make love not war?  Some hippie crap?”  And do you know what Pyle said?  He said  “No Sarge.  I just want to make love.  All the time.  To all of humanity.”  Then he asked me if I needed a hug.  A hug?  This kid got me so out of sorts I had to go beat up a prostitute just to feel better.

Carter wonders if perhaps it is time for him to retire.

I don’t know.  Maybe I should just quit and buy a bar somewhere.  No one needs my type anymore.  I have five good conduct medals.  I was cited for bravery in Korea.  I have a Bronze Star, a Purple Heart.  I have a Semper Fidelis tattoo. I”m proud of that tattoo.  You know I told Pyle to get a tattoo.  So he gets a tattoo of Madonna. And not the religious one.  What the hell?  I guess I’m just a cranky old man.  I’m going for my 20 years then I’m quitting.

Gunnery Sergeant Carter then received a phone call.

What the hell is a metrosexual anyway?

He’s what?  What do you mean Pyle’s redecorating the barracks?  Redecorating it how?  What the f*ck is a metrosexual feel?  That does it!

Carter then slammed the phone down and loaded his revolver.

“I should have shot that son of a bitch long ago!” he said as he left  the room.

Note:  Gunnery sergeant Vince Carter has been arrested for the murder of private Gomer Pyle.  Carter is claiming that he did it for the good of the service.

(565)

At the forefront of self-mutliation

Oscar winning actress Angelina Jolie has revealed that she has had both of her breasts amputated after discovering that she is at risk of getting breast cancer in the future.

“I have just completed three months of medical procedures to remove both of my breasts”  the brave woman said.

My decision to have a mastectomy was not easy.  I cried.  Brad cried.  Brad cried some more.  And some more.  Then he started drinking heavily and looking at personal ads on Craigslist.  Then he cried again.  Then he texted Jennifer Aniston and asked her to send him some photos of her breasts.  And then he cried some more. But Brad supports me 100 percent.  I wish he could be here himself to tell you how much he supports me but he’s at a strip club now.

Angelina then talked about why she made her decision.

It’s all very sciency.  The doctors told me that I have some sort of gene which makes me predisposed to maybe getting breast cancer.  So I made the decision to be proactive.  The doctors tell me my chances of getting breast cancer have now been reduced to five percent.  Though I still don’t understand how I can get breast cancer seeing as I have no breasts.  But I’ll leave that up to the scientists.  Brad has been with me for every minute of the surgeries, except for the times he was roaming the halls of the hospital asking the nurses to show him their breasts. 

When asked if the surgery had effected her image of herself, she replied in the negative.

I do not feel any less of a woman.  My femininity is not diminished.  I feel empowered, except of course when I take my blouse off and Brad starts crying.  But he’s been very strong.  And he supports me.    He’d be here to tell you himself but he had to look at some pictures that Jennifer Aniston sent him.

The Society for Female Mutilation has praised Jolie for her decision.  Said its president:

Angelina has showed us the difference between being an amateur and being a professional.  Most of us will never be content again with cutting ourselves with razors.  She has showed us a new way.  And we thank her.

As for Jolie, she says that the process has been so positive for her that she encouraged her husband to undergo testing to see if he had any genes which might predispose him to getting cancer.

And the tests came back positive.  He stands a 25 percent chance of developing testicular cancer.  So I’ve been encouraging him to get his testicles removed.  It’s the right decision.  And he’ll be so much more manageable and well-behaved.  In fact I’ve made an appointment with a surgeon to have the surgery done.  As soon as I can find Brad, that is.  Has anyone seen him?

From his Twitter feed Mr. Pitt has announced that he is staying at an undisclosed location until further notice.

I ain’t chopping these off.  No how.  No way!

He has also encouraged all his fans to send him pictures of their breasts.

(853)

Cut me some slack! I’ve evolved.

GEICO is one of the largest car insurance companies in America with over 11 million insured customers.  Yet there is one demographic that GEICO has had difficulties with:  Jews.

“It’s true” said a GEICO spokesman.  “Jews just don’t want to insure with us.  I blame the damn Gecko.”

At the root of the problem is a passage from the Book of Leviticus:

“Of the creatures that swarm on the ground, the following are unclean for you………the gecko.” Leviticus 11:29-30.

Sources familiar with the inside workings of GEICO relate how heated the discussions have been regarding dropping the famous Gecko from its ad campaigns.

“We really want to crack the Jewish market but as long as we have the Gecko with us he’ll be a millstone around our neck” said a GEICO executive.

Indeed if it weren’t for the Gecko’s ironclad ten-year contract with GEICO he would already be history.  But much like the Yankees and Alex Rodriguez (another controversial figure with an ironclad ten-year contract) it seems GEICO and the Gecko are stuck with each other.

GEICO has tried to put its best foot forward and has held many “Jewish outreach” sessions hosted by the Gecko.

“These didn’t go to well” according to people who attended.

The Gecko came out dressed as a rabbi and said “Hello you Jews!  As you can see I’m not swarming on the ground.”  Well this almost started a riot.  The Jews started throwing things at him and calling him an anti-Semite.  We had to rush onto the stage and get the Gecko out of there before he was physically harmed.  I tell you he was quite shaken.  Another time he lost his temper and called the Jews “Stiff necked and uncircumcised” which no doubt probably didn’t help the situation at all.

Compounding matters are the Gecko’s decision to star in the next Mel Gibson movie, “Get the Semite.”

“This was just stupid on his part” said a Geico representative.

The Gecko for his part defends himself.

Oh come on.  I’m just branching out.  Extending my acting chops so to speak.  This movie is a good opportunity for me.  And GEICO wants me to bow out of the production? What a bunch of stiff necked and uncircumcised people they are!  Wait.  I was misquoted.  I mean what a bunch of Micks.  Phew.  That was close.  I mean no one will care if I make fun of the Irish. F*cking drunks.

Because of the controversy the Gecko’s  public appearances will be strictly limited from now on.  According to GEICO:

We don’t want him anywhere near an open microphone.   Who knows what this a**hole will say.  I tell you we should have never hired that Limey bastard.  He’s English right? Australian?  Welsh?  Same goddamn thing.

Employees for GEICO have started calling the Gecko, “Our own Joe Biden.”

When asked to comment Vice President Biden called the Gecko “A great American.  For a cockney.”

As for the Gecko himself he is attempting to rehabilitate his image by financing a movie based on the book of Maccabees.

“Let’s see those stiff-necked and uncircumcised bastards object to that.  What? Oh the f*cking hell with with it then.”

(982)

Mmm, mmm, delicious!

Blimpie, the sandwich chain giant has rolled out a new menu item:  The Gallstone Wrap.

“We were looking to develop a new food item for our menu that our competitors didn’t have” said Blimpie’s chief operating officer.

We tried a number of different sandwich combinations but none of them were what we were looking for.  Then I read that there are over 600,000 gallbladders removed in the United States every year.  I put two and two together, because that’s what I do.  I’m an executive.  So we signed deals with local hospitals throughout the country.  Whenever someone gets their gallbladder removed they ship us the stones.  We put them on flatbread, with a choice of toppings of course.  And voila!  A daring new sandwich that none of our competitors have.

During pilot testing customers were at first reluctant to try the new gallstone wrap.  But once they found out it was low in cholesterol and calories the wrap started to fly off the shelf.

Customers who tried the wrap found it delicious and ask Blimpie to extend the pilot program, which the restaurant chain was happy to do.

However, many soon started reporting side effects. Customers stated that they were doubled over in pain and vomiting.

We didn’t take these reports seriously, to tell the truth.  I mean, that’s what most people do after eating our sandwiches. So we took it as a sign that we were on the right track.

Ironically many of those reporting symptoms had to visit emergency rooms to have their gallbladders removed.

This was perfect for us.  It meant a never-ending and cheap supply of gallstones for our stores.  It was a win-win situation.   People eat the wrap, develop gallstones, go to the hospital and have them removed.  The hospital in turn sends us the gallstones.  It’s recycling!  Very environmental.  In fact we’re sure this prevents global warming.

In keeping with their corporate commitment to the environment Blimpie will be marketing the gallstone wrap with a tie-in to an “Adopt a polar bear” program.

“Eat gallstones.  Save a bear” posters have begun shipping out to Blimpie franchises.

Not to be outdone, chief rival Subway has announced it is developing the “Kidney stone wrap.”

“It’ll be nothing like Blimpie’s gallstone wrap” said Subway President Fred DeLuca.

We will encourage customers to make their own kidney stone wraps.  All a customer has to do is urinate on our flat bread.  By having the customers use their own kidney stones we can reduce the price of the wrap by a dollar! 

Despite their enthusiasm for their new sandwich Subway has announced a temporary halt on the kidney stone wrap.

“The first customer who tried it ended up shredding his penis” said DeLuca.  “It wasn’t a pretty sight, what with the screams and all.  Scared the children it did.”

Until the kinks are worked out in the kidney stone wrap, Subway will instead substitute the Bleeding Pile sandwich.

There has been no comment from Blimpie on Subway’s new sandwich plans.

(1598)