Soccer Loving Idiot Run Over by Car

What could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong?

A soccer-loving man who planned to dribble a soccer ball from Seattle Washington to Sao Paulo, Brazil to watch the 2014 World Cup was run over and killed in Lincoln City, Oregon just 14 days into his journey.

The man, whom local police refer to as “The soccer loving idiot” was dribbling his blue soccer ball along the side of the road when he was hit from behind by a 1995 Nissan pickup.

The soccer-loving idiot, described as an unemployed father of two who lost his job last year as a graphic designer had said that his lifelong goal was to go to the World Cup.

“Sad, really” said one of the policeman who found his body.

An American whose lifelong goal was to go to some so-called world cup where a bunch of Europeans and South Americans beat the crap out of each other while watching an incredibly boring game?  I can only surmise he had mental health issues.  Or was a member of al Qaeda. Or maybe his father was cruel and never took him to a baseball game or played catch with him.

His former employer shares the following anecdotes about the soccer-loving idiot:

He was one of my graphic designers.  But he never seems to design anything.  All day long he just drew soccer balls and talked about how much he loved soccer.  He never made any deadlines.  I used to ask him, “Have you finished the project?” and he would say no and then talk to me for 20 minutes about how much he loved soccer.  I should have fired him earlier but the only reason I kept him around was that as a soccer lover I assumed he spoke Spanish.  I have lots of foreign customers so I made him my “go to” guy.  It turns out the only Spanish phrase he knew was “Watch me play with my balls.”  I lost a lot of customers because of him.

The soccer-loving idiot had asked for donations on his web site to be able to complete the trip to Brazil.  His last entry was “What could possibly go wrong?”

Apparently many things went wrong from the start.  On his second day of dribbling his soccer ball he was stopped by State troopers suspicious of his blue ball.

He kept saying he loved football.  But that didn’t look like a football he had on him so naturally we beat him up and threw him in jail.

But the end finally came on his 14th day when the soccer-loving idiot, dribbling his blue ball too close to the shoulder of the road was run over.

When it was discovered that the person run over was a soccer lover, the town gave the man who ran him over the keys to the city.

“It seemed like the least we can do for such a hero” said the Mayor.

Congress is said to be considering a ban on so-called “assault soccer balls.” 

“It’s for the children” said a congressman.


4 Responses

  1. What a sad story. Count me as a futbal loving idiot! It was probably an illegal immigrant that ran the honorable man over. Damn Obama’s open door policy!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Not only is it a sad story Jim. But a true one. I felt slightly guilty about writing this. A man who was going to dribble a soccer ball from Seattle to Sao Paolo didn’t even make it out of Oregon before he was hit by a car and killed.

    Tragic. But comedy gold.

  3. Bob Agard says:

    You should feel guilty. You are getting better and better at this satire thing.

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