Blimpie Introduces New “Gallstone Wrap”

Mmm, mmm, delicious!

Mmm, mmm, delicious!

Blimpie, the sandwich chain giant has rolled out a new menu item:  The Gallstone Wrap.

“We were looking to develop a new food item for our menu that our competitors didn’t have” said Blimpie’s chief operating officer.

We tried a number of different sandwich combinations but none of them were what we were looking for.  Then I read that there are over 600,000 gallbladders removed in the United States every year.  I put two and two together, because that’s what I do.  I’m an executive.  So we signed deals with local hospitals throughout the country.  Whenever someone gets their gallbladder removed they ship us the stones.  We put them on flatbread, with a choice of toppings of course.  And voila!  A daring new sandwich that none of our competitors have.

During pilot testing customers were at first reluctant to try the new gallstone wrap.  But once they found out it was low in cholesterol and calories the wrap started to fly off the shelf.

Customers who tried the wrap found it delicious and ask Blimpie to extend the pilot program, which the restaurant chain was happy to do.

However, many soon started reporting side effects. Customers stated that they were doubled over in pain and vomiting.

We didn’t take these reports seriously, to tell the truth.  I mean, that’s what most people do after eating our sandwiches. So we took it as a sign that we were on the right track.

Ironically many of those reporting symptoms had to visit emergency rooms to have their gallbladders removed.

This was perfect for us.  It meant a never-ending and cheap supply of gallstones for our stores.  It was a win-win situation.   People eat the wrap, develop gallstones, go to the hospital and have them removed.  The hospital in turn sends us the gallstones.  It’s recycling!  Very environmental.  In fact we’re sure this prevents global warming.

In keeping with their corporate commitment to the environment Blimpie will be marketing the gallstone wrap with a tie-in to an “Adopt a polar bear” program.

“Eat gallstones.  Save a bear” posters have begun shipping out to Blimpie franchises.

Not to be outdone, chief rival Subway has announced it is developing the “Kidney stone wrap.”

“It’ll be nothing like Blimpie’s gallstone wrap” said Subway President Fred DeLuca.

We will encourage customers to make their own kidney stone wraps.  All a customer has to do is urinate on our flat bread.  By having the customers use their own kidney stones we can reduce the price of the wrap by a dollar! 

Despite their enthusiasm for their new sandwich Subway has announced a temporary halt on the kidney stone wrap.

“The first customer who tried it ended up shredding his penis” said DeLuca.  “It wasn’t a pretty sight, what with the screams and all.  Scared the children it did.”

Until the kinks are worked out in the kidney stone wrap, Subway will instead substitute the Bleeding Pile sandwich.

There has been no comment from Blimpie on Subway’s new sandwich plans.


4 Responses

  1. Bleeding piles sandwich??? That would kill the blood sausage market.But, if it’s for the children, I guess it’s okay.

  2. Did I gget spamed again?

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Yep. I had to go in and approve it. Strange. usually I get a message that a comment has been flagged as spam.

      I blame Sarah Palin.

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